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By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/8/98 3:56:00 PM
# Replies: 58
So, my contract at Schlumberger is just about up, and once again I find myself in search of a new job. I have an interview with a consulting company on Tuesday, and they have sent me a sample resume demonstrating the format in which they would like me to present mine. The tricky part is, it leads off with a third-person "Summary" paragraph, which I've never done before, so now I'm stressing over this one little insignificant piece of bullshit fluff.
Mr. Porter has continually advanced his career with a combination of sheer luck, backstabbing and skillful tapdancing around the issues. He excels at rising to meet the challenges and overcome the obstacles hurled at him by a sick, uncaring universe and its malevolent God.
Response #1
By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/8/98 6:47:44 PM
Mr. Porter performs well in today's high-stress fast-pased development environment because he redirects his stress to his gastrointestinal system where it can escape later, after business hours, in sudden violent bursts.
Response #2
By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/9/98 9:45:50 AM
Mr. Porter has seven long, hard, throbbing years of rock solid programming experience under his belt, and his expertise, stamina, and passion for his work would make him a really nice asset to any neglected or frustrated firm.
Response #3
By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/9/98 9:56:41 AM
Raised in the wild by bonobos until he was 12, Mr. Porter has overcome hardship and adversity to educate and advance himself to the position is in now: Pending Unemployment.
Response #4
By: Panther Modern
Date: 6/9/98 10:50:02 AM
Mr. Porter has demonstrated excellent skills in the past years at sector editing 6502 assembly code stored on magnectic media on a storage unit nicknamed 1541. This unique ability has allowed him to adapt his body to transform toxic waste into antibotics, and he has also invented wool.
Response #5
By: Zipperhead
Date: 6/9/98 3:35:34 PM
Mr. Porter, although more suited to changing RPG code on an IBM 360-20 would be a great asset to any team. He makes a wonderful "Whipping Boy" and enjoys being blamed for everything. In addition his very soft quiet demeanor also suits him well as a paperweight. I beleive Mr. Porter would be a detrement to any project he becomes associated with.
Response #6
By: Jay
Date: 6/9/98 9:30:58 PM
Apart from his insatiable lusts towards the cleaning staff, parking guards, secretaries, and mail room staff, Mr PORTER has shown us tht he truely diserves the myriad of prison tattoos proclaiming himself the "only Porter House Steak worth its Bone."
Response #7
By: sooz
Date: 6/10/98 9:01:38 PM
(Provided you're submitting the application to a woman):
Mr. Porter is, frankly, cute. Previous supervisors have found it necessary to take him home and cuddle him, feed him milk and cookies, and pinch his li'l cheek.
Response #8
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 6/13/98 6:57:31 AM
Sooz...how do you know it was only women employers who felt that way? (wink, wink, nudge, nudge..)
Response #9
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/13/98 10:29:56 PM
Pinch his what?
Hmm, just wait until HR hears of this!
Response #10
By: Ralf
Date: 6/14/98 5:01:45 PM
HR Pufinstuf?
Response #11
By: sooz
Date: 6/16/98 12:49:32 PM
It's the male employers that wanna Puff his stuff, yes.
Response #12
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 6/16/98 6:42:54 PM
No, his brother...BTD Pufinstuf.
'Behind The Dumpster'
...so have any of you been on a road trip, stop at a gas station, and find that the light in the men's room is burned out and you're on the brink of splitting open like a space pod so you use the woman's room instead. You're leaving and the woman who was waiting for the restroom looks like a guy who is currently under hormone treatment and gives you a look that you're frankly just not up to interpreting but makes you uneasy in a difficult to pin down sort of way?
..hmmm, me neither.
Response #13
By: Mycroft
Date: 6/16/98 9:35:51 PM
No but i did have sex in a women's restroom, once. Scared the heck out of a lesbian when i stepped out, then she jumped again when my friend reached out and closed the door. (she actually had originally gone in there to pee...)
Response #14
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 6/17/98 12:01:49 PM
You're such a scamp.
Response #15
By: sooz
Date: 6/17/98 5:00:00 PM
Let's make this a "weirdest place you've ever done it" thread. Unless someone has an episode of Jerry Springer they can ujpload, since we're in "trashy" mode.
Response #16
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/17/98 5:48:15 PM
Geesh, that would be a long list for me.
Response #17
By: Ralf
Date: 6/17/98 9:29:53 PM
Would it violate the terms of my witness relocation..?
Response #18
By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/17/98 9:33:02 PM
A futon is kinda "weird", isn't it?
Response #19
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 6/18/98 6:21:14 AM
With a crowd of leather-clad Thelemites in the pouring rain around a rapidly-diminishing bonfire while... Oh, geez, words don't do it justice.
::reminisce mode::
Response #20
By: rorschach
Date: 6/18/98 12:49:06 PM
the beach near San Luis pass... three times if memory serves....
Response #21
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 6/18/98 9:55:28 PM
>let's make this a "weirdest place you've ever done it" thread.
Done what exactly? Annoyed a lesbian?
Response #22
By: Ralf
Date: 6/19/98 5:21:34 PM
How DO you annoy a lesbian?
Response #23
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 6/19/98 9:00:46 PM
If you're a man, smooch 'em!
If you're a woman, don't smooch 'em!
Response #24
By: Mycroft
Date: 6/19/98 9:12:08 PM
I was thinking pestering them about when they're going to "get over this phase" and settle down with a "nice man" would be about 10 on the scale.
Response #25
By: Jay
Date: 6/20/98 8:59:44 AM
Are you a REAL LESBIAN or just being fashionable?"
Response #26
By: sooz
Date: 6/20/98 9:28:11 PM
Yep, Mycroft. There's not much more pathetic than a man that says "She may think she's a lesbian, but if she had me JUST ONCE, she'd change her mind."
Martinis, cigars and bisexuality. All STILL hip in Austin. Yawn.
Response #27
By: Ralf
Date: 6/22/98 6:35:05 PM
Dammit, I was a drunk stogy-loving bisexual BEFORE it was hip.
Response #28
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 6/24/98 12:20:26 AM
Personally, I didn't want to be bisexual *because* it was hip.
Oh well.
Response #29
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 6/24/98 7:17:33 AM
Now that you mention it, my brother is continually complaining about the rash of 'non-practicing bisexual women' in Austin's general population...is this just an easy way to lend artificial depth to one's personality?
Response #30
By: Ralf
Date: 6/24/98 5:06:13 PM
How much depth is displayed by basically saying, "I can't decide. I'll just have sex with EVERYBODY."
Me, I'm a non-practicing slut.
Response #31
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 6/25/98 3:27:53 AM
Geez... Who said you had to decide?
Response #32
By: Zipperhead
Date: 6/25/98 3:06:53 PM
EVERYBODY MY ASS RALF!!!! You aint having sex with me!!
Response #33
By: Ralf
Date: 6/25/98 5:28:56 PM
Well, not any more.
Response #34
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 6/25/98 8:48:58 PM
Hey, what happened in the big WebNunz Quake II tourney?
Anyone else not have a life on Friday?
Response #35
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 6/25/98 9:31:49 PM
Well, I didn't, but that was because I was spending the weekend dead for tax purposes...
Response #36
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/25/98 10:11:46 PM
You know...
Response #37
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 6/26/98 11:35:15 AM
Well, I was proposing a second Quake II tourney that people might actually come to.
Okay, okay, I was just doing it cause I wanna play.
Response #38
By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/26/98 11:46:52 AM
The First Annual Quake II Tourney on Wednesday was a rousing success, although only Ralf and I showed up. My tremendous ping advantage made me pert'near unstoppable, and it is therefore that I will also gladly run the server again for the Second Annual WebNuns Quake II Tourney, to be held tonight, at 7-ish, weather permitting.
Response #39
By: Ralf
Date: 6/26/98 12:29:38 PM
Or maybe he beat me because I SUCK.
Let the Ralfpocalypse continue!
Tonight at 8:00 EST?
Response #40
By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/26/98 12:46:33 PM
I say 7-ish (central) because, whether or not I am actively participating at that very minute depends on when a couple of visitors may show up.
I'm selling a PC system in a effort to pay my bills and coast into July... If ya wanna see the ad I posted to houston.forsale, I suppose you could click here... and somebody may come by to see it this evening.
Also, a friend o'mine wants a photo scanned, and may bring it by this evening as well.
But despite the fact that it could be grand central station around here, I still wanna play Quake! So the server will be up, even if I have to step away for a few moments.
Response #41
By: Zipperhead
Date: 6/26/98 3:38:24 PM
I challenge any of you to a game of CHESS!!!!!
Response #42
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 6/27/98 4:10:35 AM
Anyone for Marathon? Or Avara? Or Bolo?
Hah!
Atcherly, I think I have a network-capable version of quake. hmm.
Response #43
By: Ralf
Date: 6/27/98 2:08:34 PM
I lost to Fang's railgun prowess AGAIN. It was the soul-scorching defeat of the century. I bow to his superior fyrepowir and LOW PING advantage. :-)
Gowan kicked my butt numerous times, but I was able to kick his right back. I think our ping times were more evenly matched.
And the taunting sure was great!
Response #44
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 6/28/98 10:30:49 PM
Yes, it was rousing good fun and I even got to blow Fang away a time or two despite his 10x ping advantage.
Of course, the way to even this out is for someone OTHER than Fang run the server side. Then he still has to ping in. Of course, then the OTHER person running the server has the advantage.
Sure, sure you're gonna say, "But you don't have a static IP." Yeah, well, that's what ICQ is for. "hey, what's your IP?" tada.
I'm tanned, rested and ready for a rematch.
Response #45
By: Ralf
Date: 6/28/98 10:43:40 PM
You want a challenge? I'll run the server over my 28.8 modem. :-)
Even in this configuration, sometimes -- SOMETIMES -- I can come close to beating Fang. He's very good.
Response #46
By: rorschach
Date: 7/1/98 8:50:41 AM
you mean FANG had a better rail gun than RAIL? what is wrong with this picture?
Response #47
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 7/1/98 11:18:31 AM
Rail envy?
Response #48
By: Da Sissop
Date: 7/1/98 2:07:11 PM
Yo, ralfie! Is the PHSS-- I mean "HumanSoft" quake server still up and running?
Probably the *fairest* scenario is to meet at an impartial third-party quake server somewhere.
Response #49
By: Ralf
Date: 7/1/98 5:35:27 PM
Alas, no. The server to which you refer was Guy's machine, and he's moved onto another job & another life, and we recycled his Quake server.
It's doing real work now.
I agree -- the impartial 3rd server is the way to go. I'll look around tomorrow at work and see if I can locate a worthy machine.
Response #50
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 7/1/98 10:53:29 PM
Yes, but how will you find one that has a mostly equal ping to all of us? It may have a decent ping from Hotlanta, but it may be 100 hops outta the way for Houston.
Response #51
By: rorschach
Date: 7/1/98 11:34:47 PM
there oughtta be a software utility that has a settable delay built in so you could calibrate it for each user so that the ping rates balance out... just a thought.....
Response #52
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 7/2/98 10:29:06 AM
Oh, sure, there OUGHTTA be.
Whadda we all look like to you? A bunch of programmers or something?
Response #53
By: rorschach
Date: 7/2/98 10:51:18 AM
now that you mention it...... FUCKIN A!
Response #54
By: Da Sissop
Date: 7/2/98 5:40:55 PM
Speaking of programmers, and resumes, and whatnot...
I'm employed again! Yay! I'm gonna be a "consultant", which I think means I don't actually have to work, I just have to tell *other* people how to work.
Response #55
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 7/3/98 1:56:32 AM
And who and what and where will we be consulting?
Hmmm?
Response #56
By: Ralf
Date: 7/3/98 7:50:10 AM
Coolness. You can dictate dress codes and communications requirements.
"Memo to the president: To enhance productivity, I suggest your employees all wear hawaiian shirts and speak with scottish accents."
Response #57
By: Da Sissop
Date: 7/5/98 11:35:11 AM
Whelp, the company is called Common Vision, and I'll start out doing some VB programming for American General, and then eventually they're gonna wanna start training me in some whizbang new development environment called SilverStream. It's kind of a Java thang.
Response #58
By: Zipperhead
Date: 7/9/98 7:45:09 AM
I give you 3 months. Sounds too structured for you!!!!