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By: Da Sissop
Date: 12/31/97 2:10:31 PM
# Replies: 43
Okay, so about a month ago there was a news story about a researcher in Atlanta who contracted a fatal virus from a monkey when the creature splashed some sort of unspecified "bodily fluid" into her eye. Pretty disturbing story on several levels.
Today I'm browsing CNN's website, and I see that a second researcher has been similarly exposed, again, splashed in the eye with a monkey's "bodily fluid." And this one was wearing protective goggles.
It's clear to me that the government is breeding a super-intelligent race of diseased monkeys that can pee with pinpoint accuracy, and now not even our goggles can protect us.
But why? Why would they do this? I have a theory. They want to take away our bananas. They wipe out the banana market, and it causes economic collapse in the one nation that relies almost exclusively on banana exports: Iraq.
Response #1
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 12/31/97 8:32:28 PM
I happen to know for a fact that Davy Jones has trouble peeing with any accuracy at all.
Response #2
By: Ralf
Date: 12/31/97 10:01:24 PM
I think it's a waste of time putting goggles on the monkeys.
Response #3
By: Cleotis
Date: 1/1/98 7:27:46 AM
Oliver Stone 2001:
"Monkey Piss"
Starring Val Kilmer, David Schwimmer, and Madonna as the grassy knoll.
Response #4
By: Ralf
Date: 1/2/98 3:26:51 PM
"12 Urinating Monkeys"
Starring Brad Pitt, of course.
Response #5
By: rorschach
Date: 1/4/98 2:24:42 PM
on a slightly different note. did anyone read the article about how (I guess it was the CDC, or maybe USAMRIID) a vaccine for ebola has been developed and is being tested in guinea pigs and monkeys and will be tested in humans soon? Now, what I wanna know is, who in their flippin right mind is going to be the one to get the vaccine then get exposed, knowing full well he may have received the placebo? turning to a bloody pulp while still alive is not the funnest way to go....
Response #6
By: sooz
Date: 1/4/98 6:13:58 PM
Easy. Anyone that's been on welfare/Medicaid/public assistance for 10+ years (and is able-bodied) gets to be in the first set of volunteers.
Response #7
By: rorschach
Date: 1/4/98 8:25:08 PM
I meant VOLUNTARILY... i can think of ALOT of INVOLUNTARY testers.....Child molesters, IRS Auditors, Officials from Fangs old employer, etc.
Response #8
By: Cleotis
Date: 1/5/98 1:38:09 PM
Robin Harris, (one of the funniest men that ever lived, now deceased) used to do a comedy bit about "nigga's getting they checks".
He told a story about this guy who was upset because he saw on the news that Mexican American's were contracting AIDS faster than the black community.
Of course, the punch line (you can see it coming) was the dumb dude standing in line a the welfare office screaming, "The Damn Messcan's Gettin They AIDS, I Want MY AIDS, TOO!"
hee hee...
Of course, he was black, so he could get away with saying that stuff, ya know.
Response #9
By: sooz
Date: 1/5/98 1:38:31 PM
Ror*: Some of the people to whom I referred would hear "free" and think it's a great idea.
Response #10
By: rorschach
Date: 1/5/98 6:08:05 PM
DARWIN LIVES! EVOLVE OR DIE!
(now where have i heard this before?)
Response #11
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/9/98 12:17:26 AM
I want my Web TV!
Response #12
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 1/9/98 5:36:34 PM
Homer...
Exactly HOW do you know that Davy Jones has this trouble?
Response #13
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/9/98 7:58:11 PM
Be careful what you ask for, Cap.
Response #14
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 1/13/98 8:35:49 PM
I never told you about the time I tried to bolster my career by being involved in the Monkees 75th Anniversary Special?
--homer the mike-was-my-favorite
Response #15
By: SummerSnow
Date: 6/2/98 4:45:07 AM
hey, i'm not suprised with this. all my old high school teachers could also pee with extreme accuracy. and yes, not only when we were bad did we get sent to detention, but we cought some interesting deseases.
Response #16
By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/2/98 7:10:04 AM
Welcome, SummerSnow!
Ya gotta admit, though, when kids know there's a very real threat of swift, wet, smelly disciplinary action, they're much more likely to behave.
Spare the rod and soil the child, that's what I say.
Response #17
By: Jay
Date: 6/2/98 6:00:23 PM
I'd rather spare the child and soil the rod
Response #18
By: Loki
Date: 6/4/98 12:40:55 AM
I'm looking forward to seeing the government train sugar-gliders to cary weaponry and spread diseases. There seem to be LOTS of people down here who have these hyperactive little marsupials. It's too bad that they're slightly dim, because they have opposable thumbs and act like tiny flying cats on crack.
It occurs to me that I probably need more sleep than I've getting... I think I realized this when today I put down on a job application, under the section 'Where did you hear about us:' 'a series of startlingly vivid prophetic dreams'
Response #19
By: Ralf
Date: 6/4/98 5:44:41 PM
Interviewer: So... how prophetic?
Applicant: I KNEW you were going to ask that.
I: Really. How does this end?
A: I knew you were going to ask THAT as well. It ends when you become extremely uncomfortable in my presence and begin an attempt to disengage and end the interview.
I: Ah, yes. Interesting. Well... it's been nice meeting you, and I assure you we'll be in touch...
A: Then you offer me one of your cards...
I: [hastily puts card away] Stop that!
A: Security comes...
Security: Well well well, what's all this then?
A: ...and they usher me from the building. Then I wake up.
S: Come along!
---and now, the punchline---
I: Too bad. He really was *PERFECT* for the job.
Response #20
By: Loki
Date: 6/4/98 7:57:52 PM
Actually it was an application at a temp agency, so I wasn't that worried about it. They're used to strange psychic powers manifesting in their staff.
Response #21
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/4/98 8:44:10 PM
I'd rather spare the tire and spoil the eggs!
Loki, did you ever think of asking the temp agency how long they've been there?
Response #22
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 6/5/98 5:01:23 AM
Reminds me of a story I heard once (or else just made up right now):
A guy goes into the Peruvian jungle, looking for a reclusive medicine man. After much travail, he finds the shaman and says, "I had the same dream for a week. In it, a puma came to me and told me to come here and find you."
The shaman nods sagely (as shamans tend to do) and said, "Yes, that was me in your dreams. Did you bring what you were told?"
The man nods eagerly and holds out a jar of Grey Poupon to the shaman, who subsequently spreads it on his bagel.
Response #23
By: Ralf
Date: 6/5/98 7:18:29 PM
"But, of course."
Response #24
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/6/98 12:05:54 PM
I'm persoanlly shocked and apalled at the recent "Monkey Porn" page that was posted to the links section(Yes it's me that looks at the links) I mean this has gone too far! Exploiting monkeys for pornographic endeavors! That first shot of him in a 69 with a readhead, the subsequent shot of him getting a blow-job, I GUESS from a female monkey. You scroll on down, and there are 2 more, and heavens knows what they are doin! Oh I'm sure some will say this is "art", but is it not animal explotation? I think the porn industry should return to it's roots, and use runways from the bus station needing to make a couple of extra bucks. AFterall, how else could they make a living? This is just wrong! Did we learn nothing from the llama porn industry? This cannot be allowed to continue!
Response #25
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 6/6/98 1:46:32 PM
Well, it's covered under my NEA grant...
Response #26
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 6/7/98 5:34:45 AM
Spastic:
I'm sure the monkeys strapped to tables in Japan surrounded by silver bone saws and little heated spoons, had they been able to pick their form of exploitation, wouldn't be in the situation they're in. As it is, I can hear them wailing the monkey equivilant to "Oh what I wouldn't give to be spat at in da face."
Zane The Opposable Thumb
Response #27
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/7/98 1:06:10 PM
You know Zane, there has ben research done that shows that monkey's actually find the sound of bone saws soothing.
Maybe theri singing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life"?
Response #28
By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/7/98 2:18:38 PM
Oh thanks a lot, guys. Now I'll never be able to eat monkey brains with a clear conscience again.
Response #29
By: Jay
Date: 6/7/98 8:17:03 PM
You'll all be sorry when the Apes take over the planet....
Response #30
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/7/98 9:03:46 PM
Say Fang...
You want fries with that?
Response #31
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 6/8/98 5:09:24 AM
Hmmm..how would one supersize, whatasize, go large, or some other phrase that says "I'm overeating today, and I want to solidify as many arterial walls in one sitting as I can." a serving of monkey brains?
#1 Texas-Style Monkey Brains w/picante Sauce and Jack Cheese Medium Drink Medium Fries
#2 Sourdough Dung Beetle Deluxe Medium Drink Medium Fries
#3 Big Bacon Whale Anus Medium Drink Medium Fries Breath Mint (wafer-thin)
#4 Half-Live Tuna Melt Medium Drink Medium Fries (order comes with wooden mallet you can keep!)
#5 The Ultimate Baby Seal Cheeseburger Medium Drink Medium Fries
"I'll have a number one, go large, with a side of cajun-style sugar ants and a large, orange drink."
Spastic: I heard that too! It seems the monkeys find the sound of the bone saws so soothing, they've begun to use them to cure the symptoms of migrane headaches, pattern baldness, and kidney stones. Isn't modern science amazing?!
Response #32
By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/8/98 6:33:23 PM
The Baby Seal Club Sandwich?
Response #33
By: Jay
Date: 6/9/98 9:18:50 PM
A Jumbo Whack with Cheese
Response #34
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 6/10/98 10:17:56 PM
And no, I don't want an apple pie with that!
Response #35
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 6/13/98 6:25:36 AM
You guy's are sick...
Response #36
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 6/13/98 3:55:11 PM
Tess is back! Tess is back!
And she *still* doesn't have a user profile.
Response #37
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/13/98 9:27:16 PM
Sickness is in the mind of the man with the chicken on his dick.
Response #38
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 6/14/98 7:25:19 AM
Gowan..Gowan! Smooch! You have my permission to create any user profile for me you would like.. I'm feeling like the remaining drops of insect spray...prior to being washed away forever. ;>
Response #39
By: Ralf
Date: 6/14/98 4:22:16 PM
Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: Because he had a chicken screwed onto his dick.
Response #40
By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/14/98 6:01:11 PM
I love the smell of Deep Woods OFF, but I usually buy the designer imposter spray.
Response #41
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 6/16/98 5:55:25 PM
I think one reason she doesn't have a user profile is that, well, nobody's figgered out how to use her yet. But as soon as someone does, we'll have to question them. Format started on one, but I think it's turning out to be a list of black and white stick figure pictograms with bright red 'circle-slashes' through them....more of a 'safety guide'...
Zane The Managing Editor of Willowbrook Home and Garden
*****Do not taunt Super Happy Fun Ball*****
Response #42
By: Ralf
Date: 6/17/98 9:20:11 PM
Tess is EXTREMELY user friendly.
You just have to understand her... uh, interface.
Response #43
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 6/24/98 6:49:09 AM
True...and keep her supplied with rose bushes.