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By: Panther Modern
Date: 6/30/98 1:02:12 PM
# Replies: 25
So, I'm driving in Sugarland (mistake #1), and it was very late/early (depends on your point of view) ... nevertheless, it's nearly 4am, and as I look up in the rear-view mirror, I see the flashing red and blue lights of a Sugarlandian cop. Considering I hate 99% of people in Sugarland ANYWAY, I wasnt real cooperative with the cop from the start (Hey, I was tired and on my way back home in NW Houston). He walks up to my car and gives the me usual bullshit that cops do.. license, insurance, etc. So the cop shines his light in my face and says "Boy, you're eyes are kinda bloodshot, you been drinkin?" I said "No officer, you're eyes are kinda glazed, you been eatin donuts?" And thats how I went to jail. That was probably the stupidest thing I've ever said in my entire life.
Response #1
By: Ralf
Date: 6/30/98 5:55:29 PM
I'd give that a 9+ on the Chutzpah meter. You got balls, bucko.
How long did the beating last?
Response #2
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 6/30/98 7:40:34 PM
You could have said, "Your wallet looks kinda thin; would you like a $50?"
Probably same result, tho.
Response #3
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 6/30/98 11:43:13 PM
"Occifer, Occifer, take me drunk, I'm home"?
My favorite story along those lines was a friend of mine who got pulled over. He had been drinking and the cop told him to get out of the car and asked if he could see his license.
My friend replied, "Can I play with your gun?"
His friends drove the car home sans him.
Response #4
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/30/98 11:51:01 PM
But great!!!!!!
I loved it!
What exactly did he take to jail on/for?
"What are you in for?"
"Being a smart-ass"
I mean provided you hadn't been drinking, what COULD he actually have taken you to jail for?
Response #5
By: Emil Lang Esq.
Date: 7/1/98 1:10:38 PM
Who knows. The court date and bought jury have probably been arranged already.
Response #6
By: Panther Modern
Date: 7/1/98 3:54:46 PM
"insulting a peace officer" and "disobeying a peace officer"
Response #7
By: Da Sissop
Date: 7/1/98 4:51:54 PM
Doesn't sound like you "disobeyed" anything. And if insulting a peace officer is a crime, I wanna know how to get a similar law passed to protect programmers.
Request a jury trial. I'll be your counsel.
Jim "Racehorse" Porter.
"Your honor, if a peace officer told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?
Response #8
By: Ralf
Date: 7/1/98 5:42:00 PM
"Would it please the court, I would like to submit the following statement on my client's behalf: OINK, OINK, OINK."
Response #9
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 7/1/98 7:59:02 PM
That's a load of crap! It is NOT against the law to insult a cop!
And I don't see as how you disobeyed anything. Don't take that crap man!!! Fight it. There's no way that cop will get away with that.
Response #10
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 7/1/98 8:04:40 PM
Mmmm... Doughnuts.
If it *were* against the law to insult police officers there'd be a lot of screenplay writers in jail. Acutally after seeing Habitat and Species II, I *do* wish there were a lot of screenplay writers in jail.
Response #11
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 7/1/98 10:26:05 PM
Thank goodness, bad taste isn't against the law.
If it were, I'd havea life sentence!
Response #12
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 7/2/98 12:16:46 AM
Spaz, Charlie tuna, John Waters, and...
Response #13
By: XeonoeX
Date: 7/2/98 4:19:12 PM
Well Jas, I think that is a crocketh of shit. And it stinketh such that none can abide it. However, as a "FORMER" (please note that word there!) Texas Peace Officer, I can assure that it is not against the law to insult a Peace Officer. You can be held liable in civil court, providing that the offended party was injured in such a manor as to cause personal loss. I mean, perhaps your Cop friend is a reforming donut addict, and perhaps your insults caused him to "Jump of the wagon" so to speak, and thusly went on a massive donut binge that caused him to go on a crime spree to support his ever increasing habit. THEN perhaps some liability may come upon you. But just for insulting him when he was probable being a schmuck (as most SLPD are...They have a 75 hour course on schmuckenomics and the history of schmuckdom, which they must pass) I wouldn't sweat it. And if anything comes down about it, after the jury sets you free, you can always take on the SLPD and stick it to em for all sorts of civil charges. (You got the false arrest and the ever so popular Defemation of character.)
-XNX
Response #14
By: Ralf
Date: 7/3/98 8:03:12 AM
Xeo, tell us some stories!
Did you ever use your gun to open a "child resistant" bottle of Tylenol? Ever use your siren when you were late for a movie? How many donuts DO police officers eat, anyway?
Response #15
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 7/3/98 10:51:04 PM
Wow, Xeo.. I *thought* I recognized you...
You gave me that ticket on 59 back in '90...
Response #16
By: XeonoeX
Date: 7/4/98 4:40:30 AM
Actually, I use my five year old to help me open child resistant bottles. I have been known to go above and beyond the call of duty when trying to get to the movies on time, and on a national average, a cop will consume 2.734 donuts per shift. This number however varies on the type of donut being consumed. Whereas a plain glazed (or chocolate iced) donut tends to lean more towards 3.41 DPS (donuts per shift) a jelly filled falls on the shorter end of the line with a mere 1.23 DPS. And, of course, the donut to cop ratio varies depending on the appitite and particular rotundness of the officer in question. I myself, however, am more of a koloche man.
-XNX
Response #17
By: Ralf
Date: 7/4/98 10:36:27 AM
God! Koloches! I'd forgotten about those.
They are an unobtainable delicacy in Atlanta. You go into a donut shop here (like a Krispy Kreme) and ask for koloches and they'll tell you he quit last week.
Of course, if they *did* start serving kolaches here, they'd ruin them. Smothered in grits or boiled peanuts or some bullshit.
And don't EVEN get me started on what the mexican food is like...
Response #18
By: Cleotis
Date: 7/4/98 11:31:17 AM
Oh, man. No joke.
The closest thing to a fajita I've found in Tennessee is Chili's.
At least we have great Chinese and Japanese here. The sushi here kicks ass.
And, I can finally buy Shiner Bock in Nashville!
Response #19
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 7/4/98 1:19:40 PM
Yeah, but you *do* have Krispy Kreme donuts. The best damn donuts on the planet.
As for kolaches, well, you know, I am of Czech descent and I *do* have relatives that run their own smokehouse and bakery..
Wanna trade?
Response #20
By: XeonoeX
Date: 7/4/98 5:41:07 PM
Geeeze.... from unlawful arrests to the underground trading of black market krispy kremes... These messages sure do take on al ife of there own!
-Bill
Response #21
By: Ralf
Date: 7/5/98 10:53:10 AM
Aieee! Don't shoot me! :-)
Gowan: how can we do this? I think I'd make out better'n you, since kolaches would travel better than Krispy Kremes. I mean, those donuts are 97% sugar and air, and turn into rubber hemorrhoid cusions within an hour. Like butterflies: yummy, but short-lived.
If you could convince your family to open a franchise here, I'm sure they'd clean up.
Response #22
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 7/6/98 1:21:34 AM
Don't feel bad guys. i'm just in Austin, and you can't find a kolache here either. These people here will feed you bagels until you puke! But ask for a kolache, and they usually say "bless you"
As far as donuts, well, if you never been here, and taken the little drive to the Lone Star Bakery in Round Rock, and had the World Famous Round Rock donuts, well friend, you have NOT lived! I really have never liked donuts, but hell, I even like these. They are absolutely the best donuts I have ever had.
Response #23
By: XeonoeX
Date: 7/6/98 2:53:02 AM
WOW! L.S.B. Rules Cap'n. I haven't had one of there donuts in a long time, but you're right... best damn donuts on the planet. And my 5 year old will back me up on that!!!
-Bill
Response #24
By: sooz
Date: 7/8/98 3:33:26 PM
It's no lyin'. Jimmy swears by 'em. They're not just golden... they're YELLOW.
Response #25
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 7/8/98 11:23:29 PM
You got it Xeono and sooz. The only people that would doubt either have no taste buds, (probably non-beer drinkers too! heathens!), or have never tried them.