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By: Da Sissop
Date: 8/17/98 10:46:27 PM
# Replies: 37
What he should have said:
"Good evening. I'm addressing you tonight because this has been one of the hardest, most troubling, and most surreal days of my Presidency.
"For seven months the lead story in every newspaper has been an embarrassing probe into my private life, about matters no rational human would ever want to admit to. To all of you, my fellow Americans, and to the world, I sincerely, humbly apologize. My indiscretions have been an embarrassment to the country and to the office of the President, and although I can't expect it, I can only hope that you can forgive me, and consider all the good things we have accomplished together these past six years... things like (good thing #1) and (good thing #2), and, the accomplishment I am most proud of, (good thing #3). I hope and pray, when history reflects on my Presidency, these political achievements will outweigh the personal mistakes in my private life.
"It was the realization of the seriousness of the situation, the remorse, and the anguish over the embarrassing consequences to the credibility of the Presidency, that led me to be less than totally forthcoming when originally confronted with the charges. I will also admit to you that I felt a little defensive about my personal indiscretions being used by my political opponents to detract from my accomplishments and distract me from my duties as your President. I know I can't make any excuses, but perhaps you would consider how you might respond if you were confronted with the most embarrassing, most regrettable incident from your private life, an incident which you knew could threaten your professional credibility, whether or not it had any direct impact on your ability to do your job. I realize now I made the wrong choice.
"The most painful part of this is the realization of the pain I have inflicted upon my wonderful wife and daughter. I will do whatever it takes to make things right with my family, and I hope that you, the American people, will also respect our privacy in this regard.
"Finally, I would also like to apologize to Monica Lewinsky, for causing her personal life to be scrutinized to such an unimaginable degree, and for ruining a really nice dress.
"Thank you, God bless you all, and goodnight."
Response #1
By: sooz
Date: 8/17/98 11:32:10 PM
"...And therefore, lying to a grand jury okay, if it's sort of a sticky (ahem) situation that you're in, and it could mess up your life really bad if you tell the truth. Yes, in that case, lying is ok."
See, the original Paula Jones accusation, whether true or not, was quite serious. That's where the lie was told. What was wrong with being honest then?
Response #2
By: rorschach
Date: 8/22/98 4:38:03 PM
well, you see, if he admitted it THEN it could have been used in court AGAINST him.... but now that the paula jones case has been ruled upon and is over he can admit to it and not be charged with sexual harassment, merely perjury... I agree with fang tho. he needed a better speachwriter/ventriloquist. I MUCH prefer fang's version to willy's.... I know willy's didn't, ahem, SATISFY, me.....
Response #3
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 8/23/98 9:20:06 AM
Just curious, but how do you think Monica will appear in history...
Response #4
By: Jay
Date: 8/23/98 10:03:59 AM
on her knees....
Response #5
By: Ralf
Date: 8/23/98 10:42:12 AM
I can't wait for the Hall of Presidents at Disney to get updated.
Response #6
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 8/23/98 10:36:26 PM
I think it's still to early to tell how Monica will appear in history. We still don't know what all the effects on Clinton's Presidency are going to be yet.
It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.
Sorc'(Rev)
Response #7
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 8/24/98 5:30:48 AM
Tra la la la la la laaaaaa!
Response #8
By: sooz
Date: 8/24/98 7:27:46 AM
(chiming in with a harmony...)
Response #9
By: Da Sissop
Date: 8/24/98 5:24:04 PM
But wait, there's more! He's gotten out the trusty rolodex of little-known despots, terrorists and strongmen, and come up with Osama Bin Laden, President of Terrorist University... Personally I'm still bitter about last year's Homecoming game, which was a total rout, but I digress....
Response #10
By: Ralf
Date: 8/25/98 5:16:21 PM
...and... AND... we are once again picking a fight with Lybia (headed up by Mallowmar the Wackey) over this 1988 Locherbie 747 bombing thing.
I think it'll go nuclear.
Response #11
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 8/25/98 10:13:08 PM
Ralf Sez:
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I think it'll go nuclear.
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Ya'know...raising the planet's ambient background radiation a couple of notches...COULD lead to some pretty interesting mutations.
Sorc'(RAD)
Response #12
By: rorschach
Date: 8/26/98 1:09:49 PM
actually that reminds me of a thought thats been percolating around in my brain for a bit. everybody is screaming about greenhouse gasses causing global warming... they are wrong. the gasses aren't HELPING any mind you but that isn't the real problem. th REAL problem is all the waste HEAT we generate. the average car has about 90 Hp max, (ok, yes there are cars out there with 400 hp under the hood but they are getting fewer and fewer...) when they are running, they probably generate an AVERAGE of 65-70 Hp. an I.C. engine is probably about 30% efficient. the rest is pure heat so 70 % of 65 is 45.5 Hp. 1 Hp equals something like 1800 watts. so each car is generating 81,900 watts of heat every second that it is running in WASTE HEAT. THATS why we have global warming....
Response #13
By: Ralf
Date: 8/26/98 5:29:01 PM
My car generates close to 402 hp at the driveshaft, but thru mechanical losses gets only 340 hp at the rear wheels.
According to da literature.
Course, I never had it over 55, nosirreebob...
As far as waste heat goes, it probably generates 4 Hondas worth.
Response #14
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 8/26/98 6:55:50 PM
Ralf Sez:
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Course, I never had it over 55, nosirreebob...
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Er...Km/Hr, right?
Sorc'(Rev)
Response #15
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 8/26/98 7:14:10 PM
Tess: Tra la la la la la laaaaaa!
Sooz: (chiming in with a harmony...)
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Sorry, it just don't work without the big brass brassiere and long stick.
:)
Sorc'(Rev)
Response #16
By: sooz
Date: 8/26/98 11:54:54 PM
How do you know we don't have those, too?
Response #17
By: benadams
Date: 8/27/98 12:30:22 PM
yo ...
Response #18
By: sooz
Date: 8/27/98 6:33:06 PM
oy...
Response #19
By: Emil Lang Esq.
Date: 8/30/98 9:06:55 PM
vey...
Response #20
By: Cleotis
Date: 9/3/98 11:18:38 PM
yep...
Response #21
By: Ralf
Date: 9/4/98 7:23:06 AM
I did a "-5" for this?
Response #22
By: Cleotis
Date: 9/4/98 10:23:04 AM
Back to the topic at hand...
"Yes, the President should resign. He has lied to the American people, time and time again, and betrayed their trust. He is no longer an effective leader. Since he has admitted guilt, there is no reason to put the American people through an impeachment. He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term; the only possible solution is for the President to save some dignity and resign."
============================================================
A quote during the infamous Watergate scandal by - William Jefferson Clinton, 1974.
Response #23
By: rorschach
Date: 9/4/98 9:38:57 PM
Touche! Personally, the fact that your average run of the mill politician is a person you would not want to invite into your home or trust with your kids sickens me to the core. Hell, if I thought I'd be at all effective *I'D* run.... for political office that is...
I'd probably be run out of town on a rail for too damned many speeding tickets.....
Response #24
By: sooz
Date: 9/5/98 11:23:07 AM
GET OUTTA TOWN! Did he really say that?
Response #25
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 9/6/98 11:55:40 AM
Interesting how things like that come back to haunt you.
Response #26
By: Cleotis
Date: 9/7/98 12:19:18 AM
Sooz, it was e-mailed to me by a friend, so it MUST be true!
Response #27
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 9/7/98 12:26:33 AM
I've decided I'm running for President in 2004.
Start sending politican donations now.
Oh, and somebody volunteer to start my political web site.
Response #28
By: Ralf
Date: 9/7/98 7:58:39 AM
Will you, as our next president, wear pants?
Response #29
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 9/8/98 12:33:37 AM
Hey! I posted here earlier! I'm being censored already!
As your next President, I will wear pants at the appropriate times that our great society has deemed it necessary to wear pants. However, there will be times, PRIVATE times, when I will exercise my RIGHT not to wear pants.
Response #30
By: Da Sissop
Date: 9/9/98 7:33:28 PM
If you elect me as President, you can rest assured that I will be wearing pants nearly 24/7, unless I happen to be seduced by a wily temptress of an intern, in which case I might be pantless for a bit but it would still be perfectly acceptable because I am not married.
And, if I *am* elected President, and I *do* get laid, I promise to tell you all about it the next day.
Thank you. God bless you all.
Response #31
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 9/11/98 2:08:01 AM
Has there ever been a single president?
Response #32
By: Ralf
Date: 9/11/98 8:50:35 AM
A widowed president, yes. Never one elected as a single guy.
Response #33
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 9/12/98 9:20:01 PM
Yes, I found my old quotefile.
Bush: "If elected, I promise NO MORE NEW TAXES."
Clinton: "If elected, I promise to stand up for the little guy."
Zoltar Flabborak: "If elected, I just MIGHT let your pathetic little planet survive."
Response #34 Well, he DID stand up for the little guy. The little guy stood up for him, too.
Response #35 I can see it now... every Saturday morning President Porter holds a State of the Union address to tell us if he "got lucky" last night... Response #36 The State of the Wiener address... Response #37 The McNeil-Lerher Cock Report.
Film at 11:00, for only $14.95.
Kids, get your parents permisson before calling.
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 9/15/98 2:54:27 AM
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 2/17/99 9:17:21 PM
By: Da Sissop
Date: 2/18/99 6:07:31 AM
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 2/18/99 12:05:44 PM