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By: Cleotis
Date: 9/4/98 12:11:15 AM
# Replies: 17
Which, according to babelfish, translates to:
"my scents of the house have taste of excrement"
The was just something that didn't sit right with me about titling a message "my house smells like shit". However, sometimes, there's just no other way to say it.
I have no idea how the phrase "taste" was thrown in there, but I digress...
A few moments ago, after a satisfying evening of multimedia development and some zesty IRC chat about pinball, I decided to retire to bed. As I walked through our leased townhome turning off lights and locking doors, my olfactory nerves were tickled with the scent of sewage. While turning the light out on my fish tank, I began to hear water flowing. My first thought was, "Oh great. Jonathan (my 5 year old) is sleepwalking and just peed and pooped downstairs in the guest bathroom."
If only I had been so lucky!
I opened the door, ready to lovingly escort my son to the upstairs bathroom to clean him up and tuck him back in, and was greeted by a 2-foot tall guyser spurting chunks of corn, meatballs, toilet paper, and other filth onto the carpet and wallpaper of our tiny half-bathroom.
Thinking fast, I grabbed the plunger and shoved it down the savage beast's throat trying desperately to keep the waste from spewing all over the room. A valiant attempt on my part, but resistance was futile. Yelling for my spouse to call the condo manager, I was able to fight off the funk for a short time, but I somewhere along the line I underestimated the intelligence and the power of this quaint little porcelain throne.
Wiping beads of perspiration from my brow, I decided to take a breather when once again the beast erupted with a violent force twice that of the first.
"THIS IS WAR!" I cried, as my wife, trembling with terror and anger, and watched from the hallway.
"Honey, can I get you anything?"
"Call the National Guard. We're gonna need some backup here!"
Finally, my persistent plunging was beginning to pay off. It would seem that the beast was tiring.
Moments later, the demons (realizing perhaps that I was no green plunger jockey) retreated back into the bowels of the Nashville city sewer system. The devastation left in their path is sizable, but thanks to "Music City Sewer"'s 24-hour emergency dispatch, a containment crew will be here shortly to analyze the situation.
I write this awaiting their arrival.
Tomorrow I may have no recollection of this event. I have no idea what type of deprogramming I may have to undergo after this traumatic experience.
I write this to you, my friends, to say... I love you all. If I mysteriously disappear in the coming days, don't come looking for me. There are evils that work underneath the city streets. Beneath the guise of that clean, clear blue tidy-bowl puddle you've been greeted by so many times, there lurks a dark side. Wherever I may go, rest assured, I'll be fighting it.
The doorbell just rang. This could be goodbye. My final memory could be the scent of rancid cheese. Wish me luck.
Signed, Your ally in the fight, -Michael
Response #1
By: Ralf
Date: 9/4/98 7:36:45 AM
I shall never mock my toilets again. You sir, are my hero.
And a great bit of writing too. Had me on the edge of my... er, seat.
Response #2
By: rorschach
Date: 9/4/98 9:46:41 PM
so cleo.. wha hoppen?
Response #3
By: Hijinx
Date: 9/5/98 2:54:47 AM
thanks for sharing that.
I about shit myself laughing so hard.
Response #4
By: Da Sissop
Date: 9/7/98 8:42:47 AM
Cleo? Cleeee-o?
C'mon man, quit kidding around... yoohoo, Cleee-o!
Response #5
By: rorschach
Date: 9/7/98 4:38:17 PM
it is likely that due to the rancid mess that inhabited thier lower floor, they may have had to temorarily relocate while the stench was removed (or an attempt is made at any rate....). I AM somewhat curious as to what would have caused this....
Response #6
By: Hijinx
Date: 9/7/98 11:43:04 PM
all I know is that I haven't been to Mikes house in a while...so it ain't got nuthin to do with me!
Response #7
By: Ralf
Date: 9/8/98 7:24:54 AM
Seriously, what would cause a sewer to run backwards?
I mean BESIDES demonic possession?
Response #8
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 9/8/98 2:54:18 PM
It can be only one thing..
C.H.U.D.
Response #9
By: Da Sissop
Date: 9/9/98 7:48:06 PM
There you go propagating misinformation, Homer. Just because C.H.U.D.s live underground does NOT necessarily mean they wallow in sewage. The human mouth is TEN TIMES filthier than a C.H.U.D.'s.
FUCK!
See? A C.H.U.D. would never say that.
Response #10
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 9/11/98 2:10:59 AM
Damn. You're fucking goddamn right.
Response #11
By: Ralf
Date: 9/13/98 1:41:43 AM
You are a potty mouth, Mr. TheBrave.
Response #12
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 9/13/98 11:47:03 PM
We still haven't heard from Cleo.
Response #13
By: rorschach
Date: 9/14/98 12:41:04 PM
he emailed me a couple of times last week, so he's alive and kicking but given the business and personal problems he's having at the moment, he's probably up to his eyeballs in SOMETHING,(hopefully not sewage...).
Response #14
By: Cleotis
Date: 9/16/98 9:56:32 PM
Sewage update.
I swear every line is true.
Roto Rooter came and crawled under the house at 2am. They couldn't get anywhere from there, so they came inside, bringing their large shit-encrusted Roto Rooter machine with them, and removed the toilet. They literally REMOVED the toilet. They sat it on the front porch while they worked.
The shoved the rooter down the beast's cake-hole and drilled for what seemed like hours.
30 minutes later, looking exasperated, the Roto Rooter guy told me he had whipped the monster. He proceeded to tell me that we were using the wrong kind of toilet paper. I happen to like softness on my buttcrack, but he suggested the thin single-ply stuff because it breaks down easier. He vacuumed the chunky mess off the floor, and charged us an extra $40 for doing it.
The next morning, Stanley Steemer drove up in their big yellow van, ready to contain the hazard. They walked in, backed right back out, and took some special chemicals out of the van.
They told us that they treated the carpet with 6 times the normal amount of disinfectant. They also had to pull the carpet up and discard the pad because it was a "biohazard". Sewage had leaked into the plywood flooring below, and they suggested making an insurance claim because the wood will eventually rot and the toilet will fall through the floor.
We didn't call the insurance because we're leasing this place, and the thought of a toilet falling through the floor makes me laugh - especially in light of the way our current landlord has treated us.
So, here we are, two weeks later, still a bit afraid to venture into the half bath downstairs. The kids are still frightnened by the room itself. Marilyn won't clean in there. I seem to be the only one brave enough to face my fears and drop a load down the throat of the porcelain throne.
(I intentionally left room for a sequel)
Response #15
By: Ralf
Date: 9/17/98 4:41:30 PM
"Wrong kind of toilet paper"?
Sounds like, mmmm... llllllllLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAWSUIT!
And if you're using Charmin, count me in on that class-action, baby!
Response #16
By: Da Sissop
Date: 9/17/98 5:06:25 PM
I think we've *all* been emotionally scarred by Cleo's post.
Response #17
By: Ralf
Date: 9/23/98 11:39:24 AM
I betcha he has grounds to sue you, Miytee Sisssop, for luring him here to post that filth.
Oh, the negligence of leaving a bbs unattended!