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By: Ralf
Date: 1/26/00 4:25:16 PM
# Replies: 5
I'm so damned lazy. I just got this amusing email and I'm posting it here verbatim, atribyooshuns and all.
Enjoy. Or not. Or kill me.
Ralf
--
Sent: Wednesday, January 26, 2000 11:03 AM
To: culture@busstop.org
Subject: Merge-Matic Books
Thought you lot would enjoy this. I think the last one is the best.
From the Washington Post Invitational contest, which calls them Merge-Matic
Books: Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors, and to
provide a suitable blurb:
Second Runner-Up:
"Machiavelli's The Little Prince" - Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic
children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is
embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are
executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)
First Runner-Up:
"Green Eggs and Hamlet" - Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger
through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do
that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a
nunnery. (Robin Parry, Arlington)
And the Winner of the Dancing Critter:
"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" - An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does
not object, or even notice. (Mike Long, Burke)
Honorable Mentions:
"Where's Walden?"- Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in
each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear
that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
"Catch-22 in the Rye" - Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll
probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep
school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
"2001: A Space Iliad"- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war
against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph Romm,
Washington)
"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard
Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from
Polynesia. (David Laughton, Washington)
"The Maltese Faulkner" - Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's
struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along
with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts
to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton)
"Jane Eyre Jordan" - Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead
the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.(Dave Pickering, Bowie)
"Looking for Mr. Godot"- A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her
life. She has a loooong wait. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
"The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter" - An 18th-century English nobleman leads a
double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of
post-Revolution France.
"Lorna Dune" - An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for the daughter of
a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as a giant
worm jockey in order to impress her.
"The Remains of the Day of the Jackal" - A formal English butler puts his
loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a
plot to assassinate Charles deGaulle.
"The Invisible Man of La Mancha"- Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir
which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of
corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all the
while singing "To fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally stopped by
a windmill.
"Singing in the Black Rain"- A gang of vicious Japanese druglords beat the
shit out of Gene Kelly.
"Of Three Blind Mice and Men" - Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off
by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight in yourlife?
"Planet of the Grapes of Wrath" - Astronaut lands on mysterious planet,
only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth,which has
been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who
miraculously developed rudimentary technology and evolved the ability to
speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.
"Paradise Lost in Space"- Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend
eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and 2
annoying children.
"The Exorstentialist" - Camus psychological thriller about a priest who
casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what
it's doing.
Luv Jane xxx
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
Jane Falconer
Assistant Systems Librarian
Imperial Cancer Research Fund
PO Box 123
Lincoln's Inn Fields
London WC2A 3PX
Tel: 0171 269 2869
Fax: 0171 269 3084
Response #1
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 2/24/00 1:58:20 PM
well, I enjoyed it...
Response #2
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 2/25/00 4:06:23 PM
I could have fun with this... What about:
"Dante's Towering Inferno" - Lucifer returns from a long vacation to find Hell nearly completed. He goes to the party that night and sees many of Dante's friends on each floor. Suddenly terror breaks loose and all of Hell (except for the sub-basement which is freezing) is plunged into flames.
Or, if movies are allowed:
"Grosse Point Blank Check" - A hitman goes to his 10 year high-school reunion to track down Preston, a 12-year-old who was given a blank check and filled in $1,000,000.
"Meet Joe Black Beauty" - Death comes in the form of a horse to visit a young Bill Parish and learn about the love between a boy and his pet.
Response #3
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/26/00 3:26:01 AM
"Meet Joe Black American Beauty" - Death comes in the form of a gunshot wound to the head of a white suburbanite who is inexplicably participating in the Miss Black America pageant, after he wins a fortune at the racetrack betting on longshots and Mickey Rooney. Satan is involved.
Response #4
By: Da Sissop
Date: 2/26/00 8:32:39 AM
"Saving Private Benjamin" - World War II. Tom Hanks leads a group of men on a seemingly futile mission to locate the bubbly, bumbling Goldie Hawn.
Response #5
By: Ralf
Date: 2/26/00 8:48:33 AM
"Moby Dick Clark and the Rockin New Year" - It's new years eve, and the broadcast is about to begin -- but Dick Clark is missing! Admiral Ahab is called out of retirement to locate the missing man, but what nobody knows is Ahab's secret hatred for Clark. Thus begins a descent into madness, culminating in an epic CGI sea battle high atop Times Square.