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By: Ralf
Date: 4/12/99 1:07:50 AM
# Replies: 5
After seeing some of the crappy make-money-fast-on-the-Internet schemes out there, I started daydreaming about a parody site I could put together. Just a joke. Maybe if somebody took it seriously, that'd be fun too.
As I fleshed the idea out, I realized with growing horror that THIS one might actually work. It's sick. It's perverse. It's plainly opposed to everything that's decent and humane, and on top of this, it's brazenly capitalist. Something to piss off everyone.
IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, AND/OR LIKE SMALL CUTE ANIMALS, READ NO FARTHER. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
I REALLY MEAN IT.
Here begins Ralf's patented (c) Copyright 1999 plan for Massive Free Money Income And World Wide Web Domination. If you implement this, I automatically get 1/2 the proceeds without any risk to my immortal soul. YOU, however, will roast in hell for all eternity, while 'Zebub sucks your marrow and reads Family Circus comic strips to you aloud.
Here goes:
1. Set up a self-maintained, automatic watering/feeding habitrail system with dozens of cute hamsters. The fluffy angora ones with the cute black eyes would be best. Or perhaps baby bunnies. They need to be CUTE.
2. Assign them each meaningful and symbolic names, like "Princess Di", "Jesus Christ", "Saddam Hussein" and "Oprah Winfrey". The names should be national/religious heros, guaranteed to stir deep emotions both pro and con in the general public. (Perhaps we can even auction off the right to name the li'l critters...)
3. Place webcam(s) so that the habitat can be viewed 24 hours a day from multiple angles.
4. Place the habitat beneath a 50-ton industrial press. Preferably, off-shore, in some country without extradition laws. (Viva la internet!)
5. Wire up two web pages: Web page #1, when accessed, lowers the press 1cm. Web page #2, when accessed, raises it 1cm. The goal for some "players" will be to lower the press and crush the hamsters/bunnies, while the more humanitarian folks will try to save the fuzzies by raising the press.
6. For each access, up or down, we charge $1.00. No matter what the outcome, we make a buck off each hit. How many hits will it take to lower the press all the way? It depends entirely on how many folks "vote" to raise it up... see?
7. Once the whole schmeer is set up, we spam the world with news of this "hideous atrocity some sicko set up", carefully targeting demographics that would love to see cute things crushed to pulp in a 50-ton press and animal lovers alike. The message we send is a demand that this be stopped immediately! However, human beings being the curious lemings they are, many will visit the site to take a peek. Some -- many? -- will spend a buck to threaten or save the fuzzies. Some will become addicted to watching the press creep ever lower, and when it doesn't move fast enough, will spend a few bucks to speed it along. Others will spend their life savings to prevent the inevitable...
8. The national media uproar sparked by this scheme will be worth big advertising bucks. I see T-shirts (both "Crush the bunnies!" & "Save the Bunnies!"), banner-ads, and additional spin-off sites, like crush-the-defenseless-harp-seal or crush-the-substitute-teacher.
Like I said, it's a parody. I would never do anything like this -- it's too depraved.
Serious inquires only.
Response #1
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 4/12/99 1:48:15 AM
Ralf for President!
Response #2
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 4/12/99 4:40:39 AM
You know, any old Evil Genius could come up with squishing bunnies.
Only Ralf could come up with giving them the names of celebrities.
"Save little Jesus Christ!"
"NO! KILL little Jesus Christ!"
"No! Save little Jesus Christ!"
etc.
Response #3
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 4/14/99 1:07:44 PM
ooooooo ralph that is perfect.
Response #4
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 4/15/99 8:44:05 AM
May gawd!!! That is great!!! Fuck Ralf for President, Ralf for Emporer!!! I say we do it!!!
Hell, you know, there's a way to scam this even further. If I remember correctly, our beloved sissop has gotten MORE than a few people with Nunnery WEB cam. Could do more or less the same with this stunt. It would be great!!!
Response #5
By: Ralf
Date: 4/16/99 3:27:48 PM
"And then Billy, (heh) Billy, see... instead of going straight home (snicker) he goes ALL OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD!! Har! Can you imagine? Lookit the little dotted path! Oh HELL that's funny!!"