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By: Ralf
Date: 1/18/98 6:22:45 PM
# Replies: 71
Ricardo strapped on his ElectroThrob Penis Extender, loaded the sperm resevoir with Mentholatum Deep-Heating Rub and smeared its glistening 21" black epidermis with lime jello before plunging it deep into the anus of a 12-year-old virgin hermaphrodite cross-dressing Schnauzer named Klaus.
Then things got kinky.
Response #1
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/19/98 1:57:14 AM
Hmmm, I'm too busy trying to fight against my subconscious' ability to form that image in my brain to be frightened or offended.
Response #2
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 1/19/98 4:03:11 PM
12 years old? That's like fucking your grandmother (in dog years....)
Realizing this, Ricardo sighed a heavy sigh, and became flaccid. No amount of strap-on could help him now.
Response #3
By: Cleotis
Date: 1/20/98 10:17:23 PM
Suddenly, Ricardo found himself strangely aroused. As he flipped channels on his 144" jumbotron television, a giant, larger-than-lifesize image of Barbara Walters appeared on ABC.
"Put your mouth on THIS!", Ricardo shouted, as he lovingly caressed the barrel of his sawed off shotgun with one hand, and reached for his lukewarm beer with the other.
Response #4
By: Ralf
Date: 1/21/98 10:02:15 AM
And the chorus began to sing...
Response #5
By: Jay
Date: 1/21/98 10:38:41 AM
da da da da
Response #6
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 1/24/98 8:30:09 AM
"CHEW ON THIS BITCH!"
Response #7
By: Cleotis
Date: 1/24/98 3:32:39 PM
(Tess, always the eloquent one)
Response #8
By: Ralf
Date: 1/24/98 5:08:12 PM
M-Factor's back!
Response #9
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 1/25/98 9:23:24 AM
Your right...I'll go play somewhere else for awhile..see ya.
Response #10
By: Ralf
Date: 1/26/98 6:25:59 PM
Hey, I'm sorry. Come back! Whatever I said, I didn't mean it!
Sigh.
Response #11
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 1/27/98 11:29:09 PM
I'm glad to be unable to fully remember the origin of the phrase 'chew on this, bitch!'
Response #12
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/28/98 2:30:52 PM
Dentene commerical?
Response #13
By: Ralf
Date: 1/30/98 7:25:38 AM
Before they went mainstream, perhaps.
Pre 1990: "CHEW ON THIS, BITCH!!!"
Post 1990: "Chew on this, madam."
Response #14
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 1/31/98 4:23:07 PM
(>
Response #15
By: Mycroft
Date: 2/12/98 4:15:26 PM
I think it's one of those scene collective-concious things, Homey.
I believe in the original, it was:
CHEW ON THIS BITCH!!!@!!!!111!22!1!12!@!@!!!@!1!21@!@!21@!2!!!!!@1!!!1 !!!!213!3!2!##12!3!2312123!@#@!@!@123!#@!!@!1@#!23!23!23!@#!!1111!!!!!
or very similar. It came from somewhere in the general direction of the apocalypse funhouse. One of those bad, hotel-hall urinating kids.
Response #16
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/12/98 6:17:33 PM
::nodnods::
Response #17
By: Mycroft
Date: 2/23/98 11:48:53 AM
Should one of use try and redo the old "Tale of a Snerd gone weird"-thingie? Tess?
Response #18
By: Zipperhead
Date: 2/24/98 10:37:16 AM
You know Ralf, maybe yoy do need one. But with a 2x4. Hi tess.
Response #19
By: Kathy
Date: 2/25/98 9:35:09 PM
Zipperhead has been banned from several chat rooms already...
Response #20
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/26/98 6:09:16 AM
So?
:-)
Chatrooms. Feh. I remember chatrooms. Chatrooms are where you ask: R U M OR F? and AGE/SEX/LOCATION CHECK!
Feh. Feh and double feh.
Response #21
By: Zipperhead
Date: 2/26/98 8:01:57 AM
Yes! Homer. (Finaly a serious note from The Zip) You are right chat rooms are pure meat markets.
Response #22
By: sooz
Date: 2/26/98 6:51:33 PM
Now, instead of R U M OR F, they just say "SOOZ - STATS?" Barf.
Response #23
By: Zipperhead
Date: 2/27/98 6:18:41 AM
I think sooz has been to a chat room.
Response #24
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/27/98 7:58:56 AM
Zip. That lovely graduate student from Mississippi that let you spank her in private chat the other night.....
...that was me.
Here's an excerpt:
YungMiss : ::struggles against the ropes on her wrists::
ZiprHead : :sends the paddle whistling through the air:
ZiprHead : ahh! hear it crack against your crack!
YungMiss : ::squirms in delight and twitches involutarily::
YungMiss : ::moaning:: AHHH! I KNOW YOU SAID IF I CRIED OUT
THERE WOULD BE MORE, BUT I WANT IT!
ZiprHead : And get it you will.
I think you get the idea.
Response #25
By: Zipperhead
Date: 2/27/98 8:33:31 AM
Thanks a bunch Homer. That was an evening I was going to remember for all eternity....Sigh was so wonderful...Homer I at least hope you were dressed in Drag. Oh, and if theres a sex change in your future be your to let me know. :)
Response #26
By: Ralf
Date: 2/27/98 11:34:14 AM
Homer changes sex at will, with a twitch of his nose.
Homer can move through solid objects.
Homer doesn't worship Satan PER SE, but has been known to return his calls.
Homer can spank the entire population of the earth simultaneously, using only the life-force from his middle finger.
Homer can transubstantiate wine into Easy-Cheeze[tm].
Homer has perfect balance, perfect pitch, and perfect hair.
Homer can download all the porn from the internet instantly, without a computer.
Homer can conjugate verbs in any language, human or otherwise.
Homer can launch himself into space, perform a double-roll, and land on his feet at any point on the Earth's surface. Inexplicable applause and appreciative laughter accompanies the landing.
...so I'm not surprised he was able to convince ZipperHead he was a squirmy spank-craving Mississippian femme.
Response #27
By: Zipperhead
Date: 2/28/98 8:07:59 AM
And Ralf he was very good at it....Homer you are my idol (Sorry Ralf)..So send some of that porn my way.
Response #28
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 2/28/98 9:47:33 AM
And I've got a couple of extra bottles of wine and no toppings for my crackers, if you've got the time... :)
Response #29
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 2/28/98 10:10:33 AM
Hi Zip...as I do appreciate a good butt, the sisters of misery can attest we don't spank in this house..
We prefer mind twisting, gut wrenching, soul stealing, hang you from the ceiling fan and turn it on type discipline...
We were told that was much more acceptable than using them as human lighting rods...
Response #30
By: rorschach
Date: 2/28/98 7:39:58 PM
Ah! GUILT! if applied librally from a young age can do SOOOOO much more to punish those in need of it...or even those who don't....
on a previous topic, a brain cell just fired off a memory from way back when... Yo Ralf, how IS Klaus the schnauser these days...?
Response #31
By: Ralf
Date: 2/28/98 7:55:13 PM
You're remembering stuff from a previous lifetime, Ror.
I don't recall having a schnauser, Klaus or otherwise. I gotta weenie dog named Oscar, though.
Som other Ralf...?
Response #32
By: sooz
Date: 2/28/98 8:28:29 PM
Ralf had Dax the cat and his sibling, um....
Well, they were Manxes, anyway.
Response #33
By: sooz
Date: 2/28/98 8:29:00 PM
Dax and Amiga! Ralf had Dax and Amiga, yes.
Response #34
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/28/98 10:30:37 PM
I am all these things and more. I am capable of understanding Captain Beefheart. Tiresias is jealous of me. I am the prototypical member of the Red Diary Group. I command the forces of nature, and they appreciate my senses of justice and good taste. My snot is poetry. I never promised you a rose garden, which makes it intersting that I brought you TWO.
Response #35
By: Ralf
Date: 3/1/98 1:44:05 PM
Well dammit, I'd worship you, but am I worthy??? I'd probably have to take a home course in disciplery.
Sooz: Yeah! Dax and Amiga, both fierce Manx kitties. Amiga was named for the computer, and Dax was named for a telepathic cat in an obscure series of science fiction books. (Anyone? Anyone? Hints available to those playing at home.)
Alas, both kitties have passed on to the great Sofa In The Sky. They died a few years ago, both victims of cancer.
We filled the void with Pixel, another manx, and Oscar, a miniature dachsund who THINKS he's a cat. Add to the mix our two geriatric kitties Trouble & Ali, and mealtimes are a riot. The zoo's a quiet place compared to the Ralf household at 7:30 AM...
Response #36
By: rorschach
Date: 3/1/98 3:42:20 PM
actually i remembered a vague storyline you used in a story board not too UNLIKE the first part of this thread from way back when, i think it was loosely derived from one of william gibson's books. I do remember Dax and Amiga, I also remember the "diaphram" that they loved....
Response #37
By: Zipperhead
Date: 3/1/98 5:54:59 PM
Wow Tess. I donnot want to know where you live. Thats out of my league.
Response #38
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 3/1/98 10:45:08 PM
You know, I have a complete set of the last days of the NUNS.
Every single message on the thing before it went down and moved to Atlanta.
I'll check and find the story board base.
Here's a sample:
Okay, there WAS a sample here, but I pasted it and the formatting was completely screwed up. So, until I get my brain back and can reformat it, you'll just have to pine for it.
Response #39
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 3/2/98 7:52:59 PM
Hint: use the <pre> and </pre> tags around the text. They're for preformatted, monospaced type.
--homer the answer man.
Response #40
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 3/3/98 6:01:23 AM
And yes, Ralf, you are worthy... *enough.* We can work out the home course part.
muaaahahahahahahahaha!!!
(or something)
Response #41
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 3/3/98 12:23:01 PM
We'll try again, then.
------------
#22 TITLE : "okay..." BY : GOWAN MCGLAND USR#17 ON : 04-17-1995 09:32 LAST : 04-18-1995 12:50 REPLIES: 5well..the board is REALLY messing up now. Headings and messages don't necessarily match. That is, IF you get a heading.
I think the Grunion knows what's up and he's fighting it all the way.
RESP: #1 of 5 BY : BEINFANG USR#1 ON : 04-17-1995 10:08
It's sorta fixed now. Although a few of the original messages are attributed to different people.
Rule of thumb: Never edit a message base after having been drinking Shiner Bock from a Co-Pilot.
RESP: #2 of 5 BY : BEINFANG USR#1 ON : 04-17-1995 13:46
In a canoe. In somebody's front lawn.
RESP: #3 of 5 BY : LAURA USR#61 ON : 04-17-1995 15:05
In a shirt signed by Debby Boone, AND Rosemary Clooney!
RESP: #4 of 5 BY : PYRO HARLEY USR#67 ON : 04-18-1995 02:42
DAMN! I forgot tyo sign the shirt!
Heh heh heh (tm) ...Shoot the Hostage! Pyro Harley
RESP: #5 of 5 BY : JAKA USR#3 ON : 04-18-1995 12:50
Shirt to sign? And I didn't get to draw Jake the Last of the Headbanging Dragons one last time?
Heyy.... idea....
This is all about money, right? SO.. soo.. soooo... maybe if the Exotic Car Wash goes off right, we can make it a weekly thing and just supplement Fang so he won't have to abandon us to the dark wilds of TAG boards with lurking acolytes of B1FF waiting to trap us into expressing an opinion of any kind...
[E]xit, [R]espond, or RETURN:
Response #42
By: Ralf
Date: 3/3/98 8:52:29 PM
Needs more gif animation.
Response #43
By: sooz
Date: 3/3/98 10:19:42 PM
Where's the JAVA?
Response #44
By: rorschach
Date: 3/4/98 8:51:04 AM
good idea... I think I'll go get a cup....
Response #45
By: Cleotis
Date: 3/5/98 10:59:13 PM
I like this thread, because it's one of the only places on the web where you can find the phrase "Electro-Throb Penis Extender".
Response #46
By: Hijinx
Date: 3/5/98 11:00:11 PM
or known as the ET Penis Extender
Response #47
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 3/6/98 2:36:19 AM
Ask and ye shall receive.
Response #48
By: Jay
Date: 3/6/98 10:15:28 AM
anyone loan me 400 bucks?
Response #49
By: Ralf
Date: 3/6/98 6:16:50 PM
"Do not taunt The Violet Wand."
Response #50
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 3/7/98 8:34:56 AM
Ah! GUILT! if applied librally from a young age can do SOOOOO much more to punish those in.. RoR said..
Guilt.. we gave that up for navel lint.. I mean torture! Pure mind distorting torture..
For example.. You are restricted from the phone this weekend..you must talk to Mommy and Daddy...or you can not go out this weekend..you must visit with Mommy and Daddy...
The Sisters of Misery have assured us many times that this is torture!
Ahh.. The perks of being parents..
Response #51
By: Da Sissop
Date: 3/8/98 11:20:46 AM
Coolness in teens can be determined by taking a precise measurement of the number of "radicals" he or she is emitting.
An ordinary teen in a room by himself or herself initially emits about 2500 radicals per minute, or 2.5 K-Rads. If no additional human interaction occurs, this number will begin to decrease at the rate about 50 rads per minute, until rad emission completely ceases, and the teen is completely uncool.
Proximity to other rad-emitting teens seems to have a sort of cross-polination effect, increasing emissions in all individuals to upwards of 6 K-Rads per minute.
Proximity to negatively-charged parents has the startling effect of actually sucking rads out of teens at the rate of about 350 rads per minute, and curiously enough, if additional teens are present, not only does the "cross-polination effect" no longer apply, it actually can trigger a complete, sudden rad DUMP, rendering the afflicted teen immediately and totally uncool.
So yes, it *is* torture.
Response #52
By: rorschach
Date: 3/11/98 9:08:06 PM
but if a teen is forced to remain near a negatively charged parent after all rads have been dumped, does the teen aquire a negative charge as well? and does the negative charge on a parent decrease with rad transfer? does the law of entropy apply to rad transfer? what about the other two laws of thermodynamics?
Response #53
By: Cleotis
Date: 3/11/98 9:58:45 PM
I've heard that young females have been known to burn their necks with curling irons to try to raise their k-rad level.
Response #54
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/13/98 9:06:25 AM
I still recommend the Johnny Bluejeans Hickymaster 2000 (tm).
**As Seen On TV!**
Response #55
By: jjhitt
Date: 3/24/98 3:40:56 AM
damn
Yet another reason for me to get
a Tesla coil. I never would have
guessed they could be used as sex
toys.
Tesla Coils -- They're not just
for Broadcast Power any more.
Response #56
By: Ralf
Date: 3/24/98 8:46:48 PM
Anyone have blueprints for perpetual motion ben-wa balls?
Response #57
By: Jay
Date: 3/25/98 11:01:10 AM
anti-gravity diaphrams
Response #58
By: Mycroft
Date: 3/25/98 1:11:58 PM
Boy, bring me a quart of 40-weight motor oil, the parakeet, and the triple-species strap-on; your brother needs a talking-to!
Haiku: low-grade motor oil a triple-species strap-on child psycholgy
Response #59
By: Loki
Date: 3/25/98 2:53:46 PM
Myyyycrooofftt...... What have I told you about revealing our secrets!!?!!
Actually, that's an adapted line from a continuing dialog that my mother and I have had for years... From across the house, one of us will say....
"Boy! Too bad about that [insert miscelaneous event here] eeeeh? Bring me my BELT, the weed-eater, that mortar and pestle, and a BEeeeeeerrRRRr DAMMIT!"
The format remained the same, but the objects requested and event responsible differed each time.
Don't Haiku me boy!
Child psycholgy Mycroft's been real bad today Look! A violet wand!
Response #60
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 3/25/98 9:05:03 PM
Did the beer freeze the hand upon contact?
Response #61
By: Mycroft
Date: 3/29/98 4:15:54 PM
I now have this distubing image of the end of terminator 2 taking place in a Pap's Blue Ribbon Brewry.
Hasta la *hic*, bay-bee.
Response #62
By: Jay
Date: 3/30/98 11:42:22 AM
I am Drunk Spice
Response #63
By: Ralf
Date: 3/31/98 6:52:21 PM
I am Flatulent Spice.
Response #64
By: Ralf
Date: 4/4/98 6:11:53 PM
Wooooo! Can I clear a room, or what?
Response #65
By: Ralf
Date: 4/5/98 6:24:46 PM
Yep, Ralf, old bean... you still got it!
Response #66
By: rorschach
Date: 4/6/98 3:52:06 PM
AH! but can antiboitics touch it?
Response #67
By: Ralf
Date: 4/7/98 7:38:00 PM
Touche! Here comes the parry...
"I may have a scorching case of herpes, but Ror gave it to me!"
Response #68
By: Loki
Date: 4/8/98 1:10:48 AM
Picture:
A shot of the genital region of a person with the photo cropped just above the actual genitalia, with a large virulent rash extending upwards from the pubic hair in the shape of a vodka bottle.
ABSOLUTE SYPHILIS
Response #69
By: Mycroft
Date: 4/8/98 6:20:54 PM
You know what i really hate, chris? You ideas always see to form _just before_ there is a perfect and apt opportunity to use them. *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*
Response #70
By: rorschach
Date: 4/8/98 8:04:50 PM
but ralf... come on.. admit it.... you loved it!
Response #71
By: Loki
Date: 4/9/98 3:23:28 PM
Mycroft, you may be five minuites ahead of your time, but I know when to use MY knowledge...
Moohoohahaha.