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By: Ralf
Date: 4/18/00 6:43:30 AM
# Replies: 61
Which is man's best friend?
#1. His dog.
#2. His penis.
Rules:
Women are heartily invited to participate. Those who select #2 must explain their reasoning (although the simple fact that my penis has never run off into the woods to chase a duck settles it for me). No giggling. Sad stories of romantic woe in support of #1 will be received with support and understanding. Those who attempt to combine the two answers are encouraged to seek counselling.
Response #1
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 4/18/00 8:05:31 AM
By a process of elimination (eww), the answer is number one. Although number two can provide a great deal of entertainment and pleasure, it ultimately leads to doom, trouble and heartbreak.
Number one, however, is a friend forever. Sure there may be some bumps along the way (see previous question regarding phlegm), but it'll always come back to the dog loving you for being his master and friend. No ill can come of it.
Response #2
By: sooz
Date: 4/18/00 8:54:13 AM
Penis, penis, penis.
Dogs come and go. They sometimes bite you on your ass. You have to feed 'em, walk 'em, pet 'em. But a penis, boy oh boy, it never leaves you. It doesn't chew up the couch OR your slippers or wake the neighbors or leave something icky in the yard that you might step in. Well, not usually, anyway.
Ya know that saying about how men "let the little head think for the big head?" Well shoot, it's not a man's fault. When he gets an erection, the blood leaves his brain and fills his penis, thus diminishing the ability of the brain cells, neurons and whatnot to fire properly.
Men not only think with their penises, but they're hanging right out in front of 'em like that, actually LEADING them through life! I'm so glad my important things are on the inside.
Response #3
By: Da Sissop
Date: 4/18/00 6:02:43 PM
Yeah, but there can be bumps along the way, and occasionally a burning sensation.
A dog considers its owner to be its best friend. A penis maybe kinda likes its owner, but it *really* wants its owner to meet some other people.
Response #4
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 4/19/00 2:13:56 AM
"You make me want to laugh/You make me want to cry/So why is it I'm happy when there's tears in your eye?"
Given not the choice offered, but the underlying choice: Penis vs. Companionship, I'd have to take companionship. I can *always* jerk off, especially if I choose the right companion. But I'd have to have the right companion.
Response #5
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 4/19/00 3:27:56 AM
Unless of course your using #1 on #2..
Wait..it's too early for that image.. nebermind
Response #6
By: Ralf
Date: 4/19/00 4:35:34 AM
You can't *always* jerk off. I mean, some restaurants frown on that.
Response #7
By: rorschach
Date: 4/19/00 10:26:32 AM
well, there's always the restroom....
definitely Mr Richard for me. don't get me wrong, I love my dog (get your mind outta the gutter people!) but given the choice between living without one or the other... hey George wins every time... After all, dogs live, at most, only 17 years or so. George has been my friend for much longer than that already, and it ain't over yet...
Response #8
By: sooz
Date: 4/19/00 11:19:33 AM
SubSurvey: Have you named your Special Precious? Your George? Your little friend?
Response #9
By: Roxanne
Date: 4/19/00 1:38:59 PM
I am not ashamed to admit it. I have penis envy. So, naturally I would choose the penis as man's best friend. Were I a man, I would definitely think my penis was the greatest thing ever.
Dogs are great, but a penis is forever.
Hmm...if I had a penis for every time BLANK happened...
Response #10
By: sooz
Date: 4/19/00 3:32:52 PM
I do believe Roxanne is on the right track, indeed.
Response #11
By: Da Sissop
Date: 4/19/00 5:43:03 PM
If you *have* named your penis, is it okay to count it on your census form?
Response #12
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 4/19/00 11:32:46 PM
<bill_mcneil>
My penis, yes. Your penis, sadly, no.
</bill_mcneil>
Response #13
By: rorschach
Date: 4/20/00 10:30:30 AM
well I DO provide 100% of George's support.... if only I could get a SSN for him....
Response #14
By: Roxanne
Date: 4/20/00 6:57:17 PM
If the Census is taking a (ahem) head count of all the penises, where do I sign up to help?
Oh my, could you imagine the public service ads for *that* one?
Men! Stand up and be counted! Our great nation needs to know how many of you there are!
Response #15
By: rorschach
Date: 4/21/00 10:14:32 AM
Pfizer will figure out a way to turn it into an ad for viagra....
Response #16
By: Roxanne
Date: 4/21/00 8:15:50 PM
I love the "E.D." commercials:
"This is the face of ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION"
And then showing all these actors who have sealed their fate to never ever get a serious acting job again!
I wonder how these guys even walk down the street anymore. "Hey, look, it's the face of ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!"
Response #17
By: Da Sissop
Date: 4/21/00 8:40:48 PM
Of course, my favorite was when Bob Dole was doing commercials for "E.D." Meanwhile, his wife, "E.D." was running for President.
Response #18
By: Ralf
Date: 4/22/00 7:09:58 AM
Is it E.D. when you can't, like, get it to stop?
Response #19
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 4/28/00 10:28:18 PM
Ralf:
I think so, but for a different reason. It steals blood from the brain that actually knows how to drive a car and shave without opening an artery. If that's not dysfunctional, what is?
As for the question, I'd have to go with penis as well.
o You can take him for a walk even where there are no pets allowed,
o He never chews up your shoes,
o You almost never have to leave out newspaper for him,
o By himself, he can't make any noises that wake the neighbors,
o He rarely drools on anything unprovoked,
o He's easier to bathe,
o You always know how he's feeling,
o He lets you know what the weather's like before you get out of bed,
And though he can't fetch the paper or catch a frisbee, show me a dog that can spell your name in the snow.
Nuff said.
Response #20
By: Ralf
Date: 4/29/00 6:46:21 AM
Good points, all.
I'd still suggest that Eternal Hardon (EH) is ultimately beneficial, and might even become a survival trait, since an engorged penis *does* provide a few additional cc's of auxilliary blood storage. In times of crisis, an EH sufferer could go flacid, injecting a jolt of oxygenated blood into the system.
Watch for "Penis Charging" as the New Olypmics Scandal of 2000[tm].
Response #21
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 4/29/00 3:18:54 PM
if you get a male dog, you not only get a dog, you also get a penis!
now ronnie, where did that thought come from?
Response #22
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 4/30/00 12:42:03 AM
SOS:I think the nubile college girls had something to do with it.
Response #23
By: Ralf
Date: 4/30/00 2:53:17 AM
If you get a female dog, you'll see more dog penises than you thought existed.
Response #24
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 4/30/00 10:00:21 PM
[shudder]
Response #25
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 4/30/00 10:38:35 PM
Wish it into the corn field Timmy! Wish it into the corn field!
Response #26
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 5/1/00 3:33:18 AM
[Zane squints his eyes, tip of his tounge hanging out, and faint burning smell mixes with his cologne creating a very 'Sling Blade'-type atmosphere...just before his starts laughing so hard he durn near wets himself]
"You've done a bad thing...a bad, bad thing!"
[grin] Ever wish you had a head like a PEZ dispenser so you could just take out your brain, break out the Lava(tm), and scub some of the thoughts and images off of it like so much road grime? Well, I sure have!
Response #27
By: WitchHazel
Date: 9/6/01 8:31:22 AM
What kind of a question is THAT?
#2, of course! (You ever hear of a guy putting his dog before his penis? EXACTLY!)
--Haze
Response #28
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 9/7/01 10:40:41 PM
I've heard of guys putting their dogs before their penises, but that was back when I lived in the bay area, so maybe it's the exception that proves the rule.
Response #29
By: bob
Date: 9/10/01 11:03:02 AM
hahahahahahaha, those are both great answers.
my answer: anyone want a dog, i have two that i am trying to get rid of. one is a black lab, about 1.5 years old and the other is a german shepard/rotweiler mix about 2 years old. now then, no one can have my penis, so don't even ask.
Response #30
By: WitchHazel
Date: 9/12/01 4:05:31 PM
Dang. And I was JUST gonna ask...
Response #31
By: rorschach
Date: 9/14/01 10:53:12 AM
If I had the room I'd take the lab off your hands, but alas, I got three dogs now and I do not have the room.....
Response #32
By: WitchHazel
Date: 9/14/01 11:17:15 AM
Are you still sure you don't want someone to take the PENIS off your hands?
Response #33
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 9/14/01 3:22:13 PM
picopenis? :-)
Response #34
By: bob
Date: 9/16/01 10:26:56 AM
witch: dogs are gifts, the penis has to stay with me. it is one of my little hangups i guess you could say. hahahaha
Response #35
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 9/16/01 11:32:42 AM
the words "penis" and "hands" can be used in a variety of ways that would be quite pleasing, however "taking the penis OFF your hands" isn't one of them.
Response #36
By: WitchHazel
Date: 9/18/01 5:46:28 PM
Most guys would probably disagree, Gowan.
Response #37
By: bob
Date: 9/19/01 11:02:49 AM
depends on how you look at it, interesting. not sure i should go in all the details, but most of you have sick minds and will probably follow right along
Response #38
By: WitchHazel
Date: 9/19/01 5:31:59 PM
Yes. Sick indeed.
So sue me!
Response #39
By: Xtopher
Date: 10/18/01 1:15:47 PM
I am suddenly and painfully reminded of an adult film entiteled "Edward Penis-Hands," which did, indeed combine these things.
Response #40
By: WitchHazel
Date: 10/18/01 1:51:36 PM
Eeenteresting.
Response #41
By: bob
Date: 10/18/01 2:19:38 PM
was that one better than "forrest hump?"
Response #42
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 10/18/01 2:47:14 PM
ummmmmmmmm i'm not too sure what is going on again. why do i feel so innocent all of a sudden?
Response #43
By: WitchHazel
Date: 10/18/01 5:07:35 PM
You and me both, man. I have no idea what they are talking about.
(The Witch walks out whistling...)
Response #44
By: Roxanne
Date: 10/19/01 1:52:35 PM
X: Wow! I saw "Edward Penis-hands" too! No kidding! It was rather, uh, creative and disturbing.
Response #45
By: WitchHazel
Date: 10/19/01 2:00:16 PM
If it stars Johnny Depp, I'm going out RIGHT NOW to rent it. Disturbing or not.
Response #46
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 10/20/01 2:18:05 AM
No, it stars Johnny Burma Shave.
Response #47
By: WitchHazel
Date: 10/20/01 1:34:36 PM
Uh huh.
Response #48
By: Xtopher
Date: 10/23/01 12:38:49 PM
On the subject of amusing porn:
My current girlfriend and I share a bizarre delight in renting from a tiny little video store here in Houston called Midcity video. Midcity is fascinating because it's divided into the right-hand path, and the left-hand path. The right-hand path has standard new releases, DVD's, etc, and a vast collection of B-movies and obscure oddities. Last time we found Canniba: The Musical, an early Trey Parker/Matt Stone film. Anyway, the left-hand path is Porn. Walls of it, with aisles that are far too narrow, with the boxes precariously perched overhead as you shuffle through every possible combinaton of oversized genitalia you could concievably imagine.
It's an experience. You also have to check out on the left-hand path, so there's no avoiding it.
We've picked up a few videos from the left-hand path, against our wills... but when I see Buffy the Vampire Layer, or the 69th Sense, something just calls out to me. We're going back next time for the Supornos.
Response #49
By: WitchHazel
Date: 10/23/01 4:18:17 PM
Those names are great. I mean, really. *I* might not be able to pass those up, either. (Luckily, I go to Hollywood video where there is no spiffy titles and adult genitalia staring you down.)
Response #50
By: Cleotis
Date: 10/23/01 7:40:01 PM
I haven't seen a porno since I was a kid, and even then it was only a couple from the corner video store... "The Sperminator" and "Bimbo: Hot Blood" as I recall.
I would actually really really like to see the John Holmes documentary, "Exhausted". Supposedly PT Anderson (the god of all filmmaking) based much of Boogie Nights on it - visually at least.
"Honey, look at that... it's ART!"
Response #51
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 10/23/01 11:50:12 PM
Hollywood Video?
There's no cool video place on the west side?
Response #52
By: WitchHazel
Date: 10/24/01 10:20:24 AM
Not really, Homer. There's nothing like Scarecrow Video, or Video Isle, or any miscelleanous ones within a one-mile radius of our house. Plus, I like Hollywood because everything is a 5-day rental. (5 = good)
Okay, Cleo. Fess up. You said "I haven't seen porno since I was a kid..." Exactly what kind of kid were you?
Response #53
By: bob
Date: 10/25/01 10:38:57 AM
was it the buffy from the series or from the movie? hahahaha
Response #54
By: WitchHazel
Date: 10/26/01 10:17:13 AM
Bob, you shock me.
Response #55
By: rorschach
Date: 10/26/01 11:05:37 AM
you want 120v AC 60 hz, or the industrial strength cattle prod?
Response #56
By: bob
Date: 10/26/01 11:48:30 AM
how's that witch?
Response #57
By: Da Sissop
Date: 10/26/01 6:04:26 PM
Xtopher: Welcome back! I actually own "Cannibal: The Musical" on VHS. I bought it after being sufficiently impressed with both BASEketball and Orgazmo.
Response #58
By: Roxanne
Date: 10/29/01 2:09:22 PM
I enjoy Trey and Matt's twisted sense of humor. I'll have to seek out "Cannibal". I've seen the others.
Response #59
By: WitchHazel
Date: 11/6/01 5:39:57 PM
Hey! I finally figured this one out!
The answer:
His dog's penis!
Response #60
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 11/7/01 6:42:40 AM
not to burst your bubble witch, but the point has already been addressed in message #21:
"if you get a male dog, you not only get a dog, you also get a penis!"
Response #61
By: WitchHazel
Date: 11/7/01 8:53:57 AM
Well, shoot. And I have been pondering this one for weeks. Back to the drawing board...