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By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/22/02 8:55:14 AM
# Replies: 22
or...
Response #1
By: Sleeve
Date: 3/22/02 11:33:08 AM
...I don't cry over spilled milk; but spill my beer...!
Please learn the concept of a "live ball," and that being in front of the televion during one is a bad thing. I promise I won't derride "Friends" in return.
The garbage disposal may not work for weeks, but rest assured the recliner will never be broken for more than an hour.
And no, I don't know WHAT that thing is in the back of the refrigerator - I don't bother it, and it doesn't bother me!...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Men want somebody they can be REALLY close to - that will leave them alone!" - Elaine Boozler
Response #2
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/22/02 2:52:32 PM
Well, in THAT case... I'm a MAN!!!
Response #3
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/22/02 4:23:12 PM
..well then, here's your remote. Welcome!
Response #4
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/22/02 5:49:41 PM
and here's the roto rooter.
(what am i saying? i'm talking to the roto rooter expert!)
Response #5
By: sooz
Date: 3/23/02 10:22:47 AM
Do you scratch your special parts like a man?
Response #6
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/23/02 6:02:19 PM
I do like to scratch but I need a programming manual for this remote. Anybody got one?
Response #7
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/23/02 11:51:26 PM
"Ughhh!"
[snatching remote back]
"...I suppose you're gonna ask directions now, hmm?"
Response #8
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/25/02 4:36:47 AM
Nope. I'm pretty good at finding my way through the dark.
Response #9
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/25/02 4:48:35 AM
Hmmm...well it's not programmable anyhow..
[tossing remote over shoulder]
..that was the placebo remote, THIS is the real deal.
[hands Hazel a contraption that could only be described as something contructed by putting three calculators, a Palm Pilot, and a Fluke Multimeter through that teleportation device from The Fly]
That big red button is for 'Help'...the first three chapters of the manual will get you started, the rest is just technical stuff....say, do you live near an airport?
Response #10
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/26/02 10:26:18 AM
I keep pushing the red button but nobody helps me!!!
Response #11
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/26/02 11:01:55 AM
Hmm, perhaps the tactile-response adhesive (tm) wasn't dry yet, try again*
* We at InZane Industries Incorporated do not take responsibility, accountability, or reflectability for the usability or utility of any of our products, services, comments, or bodily functions. The opinions, moods, facial contortions, and any aural secretions and/or nasal emissions of and/or expressed by our employees, contractors, subsidiaries, underwriters, or indeed our slightly infantile and completely un-rockered President and CEO are not those of the corporation as a whole or in part as definable by state, local, or federal law...so there. Having said that, the presence of our UberRemote's 'little red help button' (tm) is not intended to guarantee, manufacture, or even loosely imply that person activating it in accordance with the published instructions can indeed be helped or that help, on a universal scale, exists for said individual. I-Cubed (tm) however does indeed have services for just that purpose and will be more than happy to avail said individual of them, for a nominal fee.
Response #12
By: bob
Date: 3/26/02 1:07:26 PM
i have to check my manlyness for a moment. i was forced to read the instruction manual on programing my remote control. i feel this is justified since the only other option was to start at 000 and work my way up to 068 for my magnovox television.
Response #13
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/26/02 1:17:36 PM
No, no..that was *clerical* information. Looking up the capacitance of a particular part number is not the same as 'add 2 AA batteries as in figure Y'....
On a related note, it may help clarification during household communication if the noun 'remote' is replaced with the word 'penis'. This don't really work well as a pronoun, but when referring to a remote controller, it does kind of sum up the situation by saying:
"Ok dear, I'm going to read this book, you can have the penis now."
Response #14
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/26/02 3:17:53 PM
"dammit, where did i put my penis? i wish there was a pager on that thing."
Response #15
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/26/02 4:54:49 PM
The clapper?
Response #16
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/26/02 4:54:50 PM
[hiking up pants]
"Yep, she keeps asking me to put it on vibrate...."
Response #17
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/26/02 6:43:31 PM
the damn thing would go off at the worst times--at the movies, at the opera..
Response #18
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/26/02 8:01:17 PM
...at the urologist, scared him so bad he wet himself. Boy, was he pissed; had to get showered to cool off. He was steaming so he ended up dropping my sample on his shoes and squeaked when he walked all day, until he was relieved.
Response #19
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/26/02 9:55:22 PM
You all are a laugh riot.
Response #20
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/27/02 6:38:25 AM
Not only that, if you wet SOS's head and use a slight rubbing motion, he'll take the perspiration stains out of an undergarment AND...*his* batteries are included.
Zane The Host Of Totally Amazing Products!
P.S.
As for myself, while if you rub my belly I won't give you good luck, but I'll impart the realization that your luck wasn't really all that bad to start with until now...and I can sing all the words to Aladdin...while playing Quake III.
Response #21
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/27/02 6:37:41 PM
hehe. 7o7sicle is sold out, however. it was very popular, you know, even though it was just the same thing on a stick.
Response #22
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 5/3/02 11:39:57 AM
Zane, that was so on the mark, it was almost scary.
Hazel..sorry..you blew it! You asked HOW...now be a good girl..and go get us a beer will ya?