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By: Loki
Date: 4/9/98 3:31:29 PM
# Replies: 93
I proclaim a Blood-on-the-Walls, Ear-bleeding, brain hemmorhaging, sinus-clearing, sanity-rending, "I-call-the-Wind-Mariah" yodeling...
HAIKU COMPETITION!!
And five-seven-five shalt be the whole of the haiku.
Just to start us off...
It smelled like onions, She told me that she liked it, Then I sucked her toes.
Response #1
By: Cleotis
Date: 4/10/98 1:14:02 AM
Bestiality
Bad for your little winkie
That's where AIDS came from
(ducking)
OOF!
Response #2
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 4/10/98 2:39:47 AM
Response #3
By: Da Sissop
Date: 4/10/98 10:40:26 AM
I never believed
Those stories were true until
it happened to me.
Response #4
By: sooz
Date: 4/11/98 12:10:45 PM
I wanted a duck They have such cute little feet But then I got billed
Response #5
By: Ralf
Date: 4/11/98 4:55:49 PM
My dachsund is sweet
Cute as a bug in a rug
Which he just pooped on
Response #6
By: Cleotis
Date: 4/12/98 2:26:27 AM
thud, thud, thud, thud, thud
thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud
thin apartment walls.
Response #7
By: Loki
Date: 4/13/98 8:20:52 AM
Mmmm, giant robots
re-enacting scenes from the
Baghavad Gita.
(Note: Scanning through radio stations thursday afternoon, I distinctly heard someone say "giant robots re-enacting scenes from the Baghavad Gita," and I think it was NPR, but I'm not sure, and I could never find that station again. All I can think of is "so are the days of our lives..."
I also heard, in that same scan: "And the disciples of Christ placed his body within the tomb, and three days later, when the rock was rolled aside... it is said that if he sees his shadow, TWO MORE WEEKS OF LENT!"
Ok. I'm done now.)
Response #8
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 4/13/98 7:34:15 PM
Wrestling can be cool
Some think it is a big fake
Hello Body Slam.
Response #9
By: Da Sissop
Date: 4/13/98 10:04:55 PM
Loki: I kinda suspect you may have subconsciously introduced the word "giant" into the picture, but I suspect this is the enlightenment you seek.
Response #10
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 4/14/98 2:43:31 AM
That reminds me of an article I saw in Newsweek a few years back...
Some Japanese Shinto shrines are using robot priests to chant the scriptures. The article included a picture of a very life-like kneeling priest, palms together, chanting.
I have no idea why, and neither did the article, as I recall. I made a collage with the picture of the priest and some of the text of the article, and I'd scan it, but the scanner is packed.
Did I mention I have to be out of this house in two days?
Response #11
By: Zipperhead
Date: 4/14/98 3:29:50 PM
Homer, Kathy has an extra bedroom.
Response #12
By: sooz
Date: 4/14/98 4:29:38 PM
Come live with us, Homer. Room and board in exchange for web page work.
Response #13
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 4/16/98 4:40:09 AM
Homer's stock answer for when people tell him to move out of Washington state:
"If you knew what I went through to get this goddamned Washington driver's lisence, YOU WOULDN'T SUGGEST THAT."
Response #14
By: Loki
Date: 4/17/98 12:33:34 AM
Like "Beaurocracy,"
the game by Douglas Adams,
Very, very difficult.
Response #15
By: rorschach
Date: 4/17/98 12:21:45 PM
homer, perhaps they are trying to tell you something......
Response #16
By: Loki
Date: 4/18/98 1:19:45 PM
Five seven five, guys.
Please phrase all your responses
in painful haiku.
Response #17
By: Cleotis
Date: 4/18/98 9:34:27 PM
Loki means business!
For real as a heart attack!
You'd better shape up!
Response #18
By: sooz
Date: 4/19/98 3:48:12 PM
It rains everywhere.
Response #19
By: Cleotis
Date: 4/20/98 12:50:56 AM
Nice try, but it's wrong.
Six syllables at the end!
Use fingers to count!
Response #20
By: Ralf
Date: 4/20/98 8:31:31 AM
One, two, three, four, five.
That's as high as I can count.
Broke calculator...
Response #21
By: sooz
Date: 4/20/98 12:07:25 PM
This is lots of fun. But what I don't understand Is how you "return"
Response #22
By: Da Sissop
Date: 4/20/98 1:30:39 PM
You put the aitch tee
em el tag, "<BR>", wherever
you want the line break.
Response #23
By: Mycroft
Date: 4/21/98 1:04:49 PM
What do we do next?
It says, "Insert tube in ass"
Um, won't that hurt a bit?
Only if you fart.
Balistic unconciousness?
Ehhh, just don't light up.
Response #24
By: sooz
Date: 4/21/98 11:17:09 PM
Linda McCartney
Couldn't sing and now she's dead
Even Bill Gates crashed.
Response #25
By: Loki
Date: 4/22/98 12:54:32 AM
Hey people, great news!
I've got a new job that pays
twenty-eight an hour!
Response #26
By: sooz
Date: 4/22/98 12:07:57 PM
Congrats to you, then!
And hearty pat on the back
While stealing wallet
Response #27
By: Ralf
Date: 4/23/98 6:21:12 PM
Is it a Haiku
If you break up a long line
Onto another?
Response #28
By: Da Sissop
Date: 4/23/98 6:41:25 PM
Absolutely not.
Nuh-uh, no way, nosirree.
And you must wear pants.
Response #29
By: Ralf
Date: 4/26/98 4:33:43 PM
Does anyone know
Where one can download a list
Of words, suitable
For use in coding
A program which writes Haiku
Automatically?
Such a list needs words
Broken down by syllable
Or else it won't work.
Response #30
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 5/3/98 4:52:42 PM
Once again, I'm late.
And I do so love haiku.
Even without rhymes.
It could be worse, though.
We could be doing limricks.
That'd be too much fun.
Response #31
By: sooz
Date: 5/3/98 5:19:27 PM
There once was a war in Haiku-land
Where everyone took their pen in hand.
Except that this time
I found I like rhyme
So I did limericks, which were banned.
Response #32
By: Loki
Date: 5/3/98 9:44:40 PM
Bad, bad Shadow Sprite!
Count your sylables, dammit!
Don't make me smack you.
Now you've done it... You've let the Limerick memes loose.
You will pay for your crimes.
There once was a man from seguin
Who invented a fucking machine,
concave or convex, it served either sex,
but oh what a bitch to keep clean.
..or
and played with its self inbetween...
..or
with attachments for those inbetween.
A couple who hailed from New Deli
always stood belly to belly
for once in their haste they used epoxy paste
instead of petroleum jelly.
Response #33
By: Da Sissop
Date: 5/3/98 11:55:49 PM
Okay, I feel the urge to point out that you can use the HTML tag <BR> to preserve a line break after a short stubby line of text.
Now I went ahead and edited the last couple of messages to include those tags, but I just want ya to know I may not always be here to do that in the future. (No, no need to thank me. The smiles on your little faces are thanks enough.)
Response #34
By: Da Sissop
Date: 5/6/98 10:54:40 AM
Quiet here at work
Found a lizard in the hall
Caught him just fer sport.
Pocket dinosaur
Face like Kermit, mouth agape
Whoops, tail just came off.
Response #35
By: jaka
Date: 5/6/98 2:35:11 PM
Small furry bunnies?
Van de Graf generators.
(Resonant belching)
To call tech support
Just whistle at 300 baud
I'll negotiate.
The mental anguish
Of sudden aneurism
Is my specialty.
Just bend over and
Grab the nuclear device
If you please, dear sir.
....This is but a taste,
A snippet of our haiku.
Shall I inflict more?
Response #36
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 5/9/98 9:23:51 AM
ahem...
A lusty young lad named Larry
liked gals who were shaggy and hairy,
with a lamb or an ewe
the fur really flew;
but a ram, best of all, proved extraordinary.
I don't have to count syllables with haiku.
Response #37
By: Loki
Date: 5/10/98 5:13:25 PM
Her bare busom suddenly fell Conan, surprised said, "Oh Hell! My sexual power has damaged this flower" When she had really passed out from the smell.
A frustrated lady named Alice, used dynamite as a...
Um.. I'll take a vote... anyone want to hear this one?
Response #38
By: sooz
Date: 5/11/98 12:04:15 AM
There once was a woman from Azores,
whose ***** was covered with sores...
Ok, I'll stop.
Response #39
By: Ralf
Date: 5/11/98 11:24:23 PM
*****?
Lessee... "five letter word for female anatomy"... where's that cross-word puzzle dictionary...?
(Uvula...?)
Response #40
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 5/12/98 8:53:57 AM
Five letter word for female anatomy?
Busom?
Response #41
By: Jay
Date: 5/12/98 9:39:03 AM
yabos
Response #42
By: Da Sissop
Date: 5/12/98 11:23:31 AM
Does it have to be anatomy? It might be her "hubby".
Response #43
By: Ralf
Date: 5/13/98 6:17:57 PM
"Brain".
(Insert sexist joke here.)
Response #44
By: Zipperhead
Date: 5/23/98 10:51:28 AM
I came into the room, I saw a butt. I spanked it. Fuck that doesnt even make sense.
Response #45
By: Da Sissop
Date: 5/23/98 3:15:09 PM
Okay, these two butts go into a bar, and...
Response #46
By: sooz
Date: 5/23/98 5:51:32 PM
Someone please explain 5-7-5 to Zip. I haven't the patience.
Response #47
By: Zipperhead
Date: 5/24/98 10:17:19 AM
Thats why it didint make sense sooz. Hey I know what Hiakuidhgs is. I saw it on beavis and butthead.
Response #48
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 5/25/98 10:47:08 AM
These 2 butts walk into a bar, they start drinking and make complete asses of themselves!
Response #49
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 5/30/98 6:44:25 AM
and somewhere out there...
Mr Clinton is giving a speech.. a group of reporters are there..
Mr Clinton keeps hiding his left arm behind his back.. one of the reporters jumps up and ask if that is a pair of ladies panites tied around his left arm...
Mr Clinton says "No..that's the patch...I'm trying to quit."
Response #50
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 5/30/98 11:52:29 PM
Is that a patch or am I happy to see you?
Response #51
By: Ralf
Date: 5/31/98 11:10:10 AM
Serious question: can smoking sessation patches be abused?
I like the effects of tobacco, but none of the delivery systems are perfect. Cigarettes & cigars are expensive and tend to be isolationist activities these days. Pipe smoking is cheaper, and minute-by-minute delivers more nicotene goodness than anything else. Modulate the mix properly, and you can even invoke smiles from people who *like* the way second-hand pipe smoke smells.
BUT-- I'd retire the pipe if I could slap a handful of patches on my legs, back, arms... whatever.. and experience the same effects. Minus the smoke, I mean.
But are they cost effective? How long do they last? Aside from the obvious benefit of not smoking up your lungs or the environment, are there health risks?
Can you accidently overdose? Cigars & pipes are self-limiting in this respect -- you'd pass out from oxyegen depravation before you'd get an instantly lethal dose of nicotene.
Opinions? Anecdotes? Advice?
Response #52
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 5/31/98 3:09:04 PM
I always knew you were a pipe-smoker, ralf.
Ahem.
Seriously, though, yes, you can overdose on nicotine patches. I'm not sure about the cost-effectiveness of them, although I'd hazard to say that since you're getting a constant, measured dosage of nicotine through the patch, they'll give you a more constant buzz, so you won't use them as much.
Supposedly, you're supposed to ween yourself with the patch because the patch IS a more regulated nicotine fix. Also, as you no doubt know from those annoying commercials, they come in different strengths so you can go from one to a lesser to a lesser and then quit.
I'm more curious about this new inhaler thing they've got that for all intents and purposes seems to be a reusable smokeless cigarette.
Response #53
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 5/31/98 5:28:35 PM
Ok more seriousness (yech! this is a nasty feeling)
Boy they sure can. Actually had a friend that died from that. She was trying to quit smoking, and was using those patches. Wouldn't take them off when she wanted to smoke a cigaarette either. She died of a nicotine overdose.
I know you return you to more of the flagrant stupidity and frivolity.
And Ralf, don't know about in Houston these days, but cigar smoking is VERY big up here in Austin. Damn near any decent bar you go to has at least a humidor, some have walkins
Response #54
By: sooz
Date: 6/2/98 2:15:07 PM
Martinis and cigars, another fad. Yawn, yawn.
Response #55
By: Ralf
Date: 6/4/98 6:11:51 PM
Exactly. *I* was smoking cigars back when it was tres uncool to do so. Now that it IS cool, I'm miffed that people think I'm bleating along with all the other sheep when I light up.
Feh.
Crack? Is smoking crack cool or not nowadays? I can never remember...
Response #56
By: Loki
Date: 6/4/98 8:03:30 PM
Hmmm.. I think it's a little uncool right now, but I'm sure you could start a trend, if you smoked enough in public places.
Response #57
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 6/5/98 2:26:13 AM
WIRED TIRED ----------------------------- Frontal Crack lobotomies
Response #58
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 6/5/98 5:08:50 AM
Whoa! Coooool!
I forgot to close the preformatted tag, and the rest of the page is all wonky!
I HAVE SUCH POWER!
Response #59
By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/5/98 8:08:38 AM
Wonkiness eliminated.
See, you've got the special "don't restrict my html" access bit set because you're *supposed* to voluntarily close your own wonky tags.
Response #60
By: sooz
Date: 6/5/98 10:26:49 AM
I like the word "wonky." I'm going to work that into my vocabulary.
Re: Trends. I saw a guy with nail polish on a year or two ago. Someone was fraking, and I said yeah yeah, not so long ago it was wacky for men to have earrings, and now it's normal. Therefore, nail polish on guys will be mainstream soon.
The poor fella said "I hope not! Then I"ll have to find something else to do!"
They're the un-fashion snobs. As soon as something becomes hip, they gotta change it. Lotsa people in "underground" scenes of many types are that way.
Response #61
By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/5/98 10:05:58 PM
Hey. I was "country" when "country" wasn't cool.
Response #62
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/6/98 1:04:48 PM
I was never cool. I missed that one.
Response #63
By: Ralf
Date: 6/7/98 10:00:40 AM
According to the memo, you were cool for 20 minutes on August 17th, 1997. You mean you missed it?
Response #64
By: Rifa
Date: 6/8/98 7:54:14 PM
i couldn't leave her. like my tongue stuck on a pole in deep mid-winter.
Response #65
By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/9/98 8:52:03 AM
Hearty hello there!
Welcome to the Nunnery.
I like that image.
Response #66
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/9/98 5:00:38 PM
How about this one:
...like my balls stuck to floor with carpet tacks.
Response #67
By: sooz
Date: 6/10/98 9:09:09 PM
5 syllables
7 syllables
5 syllables
Not so hard.
Response #68
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/13/98 11:04:58 PM
Check this out...
Just came back from Tower Records, and they had this cool bin of moveis 3 for $20. I got Evil Dead 2, Life of Brian, and The Killer Meteors. All 3 for $20!!!!!
I LOVE that place!!!!
Actually. I didn't just get back, it was last night, and I tried to get on last night to post this, but contrary to what Fang says, I honetsly believe that the WEBgrunion has it in for me, becasue when I tried to log on last night, the login kept giveing me an error, and since the webgrunion carefully left that part out of the log file. He thinks I'm nuts, and just maligning his site. All lies I tell you, lies!
Response #69
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 6/14/98 3:37:22 AM
CORPORATE RECORD STORES SUK!
CORPORATE BOOKSTORES SUK!
PUNK ROCK!
Response #70
By: Loki
Date: 6/14/98 4:21:31 AM
Excuse me Homer, but shouldn't that be:
Scorn Tower Records.
CORPORATE RECORD STORES SUK!
PUNK ROCK FOREVER!
Let's keep with the theme here.
Response #71
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 6/15/98 9:24:45 AM
Computer Error Messages in Haiku:- - - - - - - - - - - - A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. - - - - - - - - - - - - The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist - - - - - - - - - - - - Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. - - - - - - - - - - - - ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask far too much. - - - - - - - - - - - - First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. - - - - - - - - - - - - With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. - - - - - - - - - - - - The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. - - - - - - - - - - - - Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. - - - - - - - - - - - - Stay the patient course, Of little worth is your ire, The network is down. - - - - - - - - - - - - A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. - - - - - - - - - - - - Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. - - - - - - - - - - - - Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. - - - - - - - - - - - - You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. - - - - - - - - - - - - Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. - - - - - - - - - - - - Having been erased, The document you're seeking, Must now be retyped. - - - - - - - - - - - - Rather than a beep, Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found." - - - - - - - - - - - - Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Response #72
By: Loki
Date: 6/16/98 1:18:33 AM
Threads of thought return
Like salmon to their home streams
To haiku bloodbath.
Response #73
By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/16/98 8:17:19 AM
Salmon swim upstream
Shit floats downstream twice as fast
Talk about shitfaced....
Response #74
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 6/16/98 7:06:40 PM
I sit here nekkid, A wonderful breeze cools me, Where is the remote?
Response #75
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/17/98 5:59:21 PM
You at least have to admit that Tower ISN'T Ballbuster!
The Tower here is really pretty cool
Response #76
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 6/24/98 7:35:07 AM
I caught a turtle, and painted 'Kick Me' on it. Later, it read 'Me'.
Response #77
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 6/25/98 9:35:24 PM
Next time try writing 'Kick' on the top part of the shell, it's less likely to get wet and rub against the ground and all. Not to mention, more people will read it and understand the full context. I thought that turtle just had an ego problem or something!
Response #78
By: Loki
Date: 6/26/98 1:04:06 AM
My lunar death ray
threatens the nations of Earth.
Mock my theories now!
Response #79
By: Ralf
Date: 6/26/98 12:34:21 PM
Mock, mock, mock, mock, mock.
Mock, mock, mockety mock, mock.
Consider them mocked.
Response #80
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/14/98 1:57:59 AM
Under my green couch
The dust bunnies multiply
They sure were quiet....
Response #81
By: Cleotis
Date: 7/14/98 3:38:46 PM
Dust bunnies mating?
Wow! Can they have "the big O"?
It makes me wonder!
Response #82
By: yodare
Date: 7/16/98 12:40:50 AM
Tell me more about
This HAIKU COMPETITION
Is it easy to make?
Response #83
By: Ralf
Date: 7/16/98 6:45:31 PM
And another thing...
This HAIKU COMPETITION
Has anyone won?
Response #84
By: yodare
Date: 7/16/98 8:04:11 PM
I don't know, but I think this will last forever Please! Make him stop! Please!
Response #85
By: sooz
Date: 7/17/98 1:20:09 PM
Roses are red
Response #86
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 7/19/98 3:56:19 PM
Violets are NOT blue! Otherwise they'd be called Blues!
Response #87
By: yodare
Date: 7/20/98 4:06:42 AM
That's not a Haiku. Try again, and don't forget, the rules of Haiku.
Response #88
By: Zipperhead
Date: 7/20/98 8:28:47 AM
My mother and your mother. Were out hanging clothes. My mother punched your mother. In the nose.
Shit! Close enough
Response #89
By: Da Sissop
Date: 7/20/98 10:13:13 PM
It's got a beat. I can dance to it.
Response #90
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 8/1/98 11:32:19 PM
Dead leaves fall from trees,
They catch tears from the dark sky,
In death, holding life.
Response #91
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 8/2/98 9:46:42 AM
I feel as if I'm falling everytime I close my eyes.. And flowing through my body is a river of surprise.. Feelings are awakening I hardly recognize.. as mine.
Oooopps.. that was suppose to go under what I'm listening to right now thingy..so just place it there in your head. Thank you.
Response #92
By: rorschach
Date: 8/2/98 11:42:22 AM
sounds like a really bad inner ear infection to me....
Response #93
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 10/13/98 10:14:42 PM
my body fluids were much happier last night resting, warm, inside.