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By: Da Sissop
Date: 5/14/98 10:49:41 AM
# Replies: 46
It's finally happened. I'm finally old enough to have colon troubles.
I woke up Monday morning with a really nasty gas pain. I didn’t think much about it, since historically, whether it’s due to my fondness for spicy foods, or it’s simply the easiest escape route for pent-up stress, my bowels frequently fall short of perfection. I tried for a couple of days to fart my troubles away, but to no avail. Yesterday I went to see a doctor.
He felt around my abdomen. "Anything here?" he asked, tapping and occasionally squeezing handfuls of my gut.
"Nope."
"Here?"
"Nope."
"How about… HERE?" He plunged a hand into my stomach, reached up, grabbed my heart, pulled it out, and showed it to me, still beating.
"Nope."
"Hmmm." He scowled. "But you say it does hurt… here." He pressed in on a part of my lower abdomen.
"GAAAAAH!" I replied, nodding enthusiastically.
He stood still for a moment. "You’re absolutely certain it hurts right here?" He pressed again.
"GAAAAAH!" I repeated.
He hung his head and sighed. "Damn," he said. "Damn damn damn."
"What is it, Doc?"
"Oh, I’m going to have to stick my finger up your butt," he mumbled.
"GAAAAAH!" I replied.
"Hey, I don’t like it any more than you do," he said, holding up a swollen and gnarled finger that reminded me of a knotted branch on a really old tree, "I’ve had these bones snapped into pieces more times than I care to think about."
Response #1
By: Da Sissop
Date: 5/14/98 10:51:42 AM
Oh, it's probably just an infection. I've got drugs. But if the pain doesn't go away in a week or so, they'll wanna send a camera crew in to take a look around.
Response #2
By: Jay
Date: 5/14/98 11:24:16 AM
luckily you have insurance...if you didn't they'd have to send one of those Mexican bush fire fighting brigades with the brooms and bandeleros up there
Response #3
By: Da Sissop
Date: 5/14/98 11:51:17 AM
"Oh mi dios! Es lleno de gerbils!"
Response #4
By: Ralf
Date: 5/17/98 10:14:15 PM
GIF! GIF!
Response #5
By: Jay
Date: 5/18/98 10:14:31 AM
This disease has affected our valient Sysop in one of the worst ways imaginable...maybe its the drugs...maybe its the bacteria talking...but he actually drank a non-alcoholic beer...and enyjoyed it...I cant bare to see him like this...where's that pillow and water cooler?
Response #6
By: Da Sissop
Date: 5/18/98 11:02:34 AM
Eeeww, I *hate* wet pillows.
Response #7
By: Ralf
Date: 5/18/98 6:44:18 PM
It's not the wetness so much as HOW they became wet...
Response #8
By: Panther Modern
Date: 6/9/98 9:39:52 AM
Well for the simple fact that if he's gotta stick a finger in yer ass, at least make him jerk you off at the same time (he DOES have a free hand) ... and ask him to talk dirty to you.. makes it much more ... personal.
Response #9
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/9/98 5:02:35 PM
Uhh, Fang, does your Dr. wear a raincoat, and did you ACTUALLY see his diploma?
Response #10
By: Da Sissop
Date: 6/9/98 9:07:02 PM
Well, I'm long since cured now, but I suppose it's nice to know that if I ever get *really* lonely....
Response #11
By: Jay
Date: 6/9/98 9:34:30 PM
if it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all
Response #12
By: XeonoeX
Date: 6/13/98 9:24:09 PM
And there was much rejoicing!!
Response #13
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/13/98 11:11:49 PM
I just hope that next time someone tells Jim to stick it up his ass, he doesn't get reminicent.
Memories!
Response #14
By: Panther Modern
Date: 6/16/98 1:31:46 PM
Hey now... I pay good money to have people stick things in my ass.. lamps, poodles, cordless phones, taco bell stores.. etc...
Response #15
By: Mycroft
Date: 6/16/98 9:42:55 PM
Yoquiero Colostomy bag!
Response #16
By: Zipperhead
Date: 6/17/98 10:55:18 AM
Can I have some money?
Response #17
By: rorschach
Date: 6/18/98 8:45:32 PM
don't TOUCH it! YOU DONT KNOW WHERE IT'S BEEN!
Response #18
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 6/20/98 2:13:21 AM
Zipper...
No
Response #19
By: Emil Lang Esq.
Date: 7/1/98 1:19:12 PM
MOM! DAD! It's Evil!
Response #20
By: Ralf
Date: 7/1/98 5:42:35 PM
But oh, so tasty.
Response #21
By: rorschach
Date: 7/1/98 11:41:57 PM
GAWD i love that line from time bandits.... 'bout the only part of the movie with any redeeming quality at all....
Response #22
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 7/6/98 1:28:20 AM
Are you kidding? Time Bandits was great! And I highly recommend going and seeing Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
Response #23
By: sooz
Date: 7/8/98 3:40:19 PM
Is this the movie discussion thread? I mean, it started with Fang's sphincter, but what the heck...
I saw Armageddon last night. I was at once thrilled with that actor, ol' what's his name who plays a great genius/lunatic (he was in Con Air, too); and disgusted with the cheezy unrealness. I kept having Independence Day flashbacks. Thankfully, I haven't seen Deep Impact yet. I hear it's all the same.
And Bruce Willis' flashbacks at the end, including him looking Christ-like, were a little much. Yeah, he was saving the world and all, but please.
Response #24
By: rorschach
Date: 7/8/98 9:07:11 PM
actually of the two... deep impact was better from a believable effects standpoint... buckhiemer always wants to twist the tail of the effects guys a little too hard....
Response #25
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 7/8/98 11:36:55 PM
Well, Sudden Impact SUCKED HARD ROCKS in my not so humble opinion. So if I didn't like that, would I like Armegeddon? I'm kind of doubting.
However, I saw Con Air, just becasue I like Nick Cage, John Malkovich and Steve Buscemi. But I really didn't like that movie either.
Response #26
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 7/9/98 12:48:03 AM
Deep Impact isn't so much about the meteor coming for earth. It's more about how a couple of families come to grips and deal with the fact that most of the planet is gonna be destroyed.
Armageddon is about THE ROCK. This thing is gonna come screaming in at us and that's it. Game over. No hiding from it. The effects are pretty spectacular. I thought, after buying in to the premise and giving the big action movie its "this-is-awfully-convenient" room, that it was very good. At least until they actually get to the comet. Once they land on the comet, the whole thing goes to hell.
"American component. Russian component. What is difference? All made in Taiwan!"
Response #27
By: Zipperhead
Date: 7/9/98 8:00:34 AM
A movie thread. I saw X-Files and was somewhat disappointed. Some questions were answered but in the long run it was just a way to set up the new season on TV. Plus Scully as usual didnt show any skin! Oh well...
I also saw Con Air...Was just OK...If Cage wasnt in it, I think it would have been even worse!!!
Response #28
By: Cleotis
Date: 7/10/98 9:33:36 PM
How about The Truman Show.
So far, I seem to be the only one who wishes they would have let the movie run another half hour to tell us what happened when Truman goes outside.
That's one reaosn I liked Contact so much. They could have left you hanging, wondering whether she was crazy or not, but iunstead, they FINISHED the movie. I like things to be spelled out for me like that, ya know?
Response #29
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 7/15/98 1:20:27 AM
Gee, Cleo, thanks for telling us how The Truman Show ends... I want to see it because it has a big Philip K. Dick factor. I'll leave it to your imagination what that might mean.
Response #30
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 7/17/98 2:43:55 AM
Well, I saw it last night.
Few movies are as perfect as The Truman Show is.
Response #31
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 7/18/98 6:27:45 AM
Oh come on, it wasn't THAT good!
Soemthing About Mary however, was probably the best movie I've seen this year.
Response #32
By: Ralf
Date: 7/18/98 10:34:28 AM
That movie sucks! I haven't seen it, but I can tell from the ads.
:-)
Homer -- was it the PKDickian experience you'd hoped for, hmmmm?
Response #33
By: Cleotis
Date: 7/18/98 11:06:27 PM
Aah, I didn't give anything away. Any moron who's seen the trailer for the movie knows what happens!
I am unremorseful.
Response #34
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 7/19/98 2:14:13 AM
It was the PKDexperience I had hoped for. I wish it had been a little more self-referencial, and the font of postmodernist cynicism *I* would have written, but it was still pretty damn perfect.
Response #35
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 7/19/98 8:30:41 AM
I want to see the Horse Whisperer and Zorro for a purly lustful veiwing experience.
Response #36
By: Da Sissop
Date: 7/19/98 9:38:44 AM
The trailers for Zorro do look interesting. I don't like horse movies, though.
Response #37
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 7/19/98 10:54:06 AM
Zorro gets four flippers up.
Fights scenes are really well executed. I cared more about the feud that Anthony Hopkins had than the one that Antonio Banderas had.
Of course, my date drooled uncontrollably through the whole thing.
I gotta meter that rohypnol dosage better.
Response #38
By: sooz
Date: 7/19/98 12:06:57 PM
Letterman had Antonio Banderas on one night, and Anthony Hopkins (who looks like Kenny Rogers now) the next night. It were groovy.
Response #39
By: Da Sissop
Date: 7/20/98 10:14:53 PM
Sooz: I remember many years ago when you were lamenting the fact that Bob Seger had transformed into Kenny Rogers.
Whaddaya think, is it a conspiracy?
Response #40
By: Cleotis
Date: 7/21/98 9:34:06 PM
I doubt there's anyone here that cares, but on the slight chance that there might be others here that are MASSIVE fans of the "Phantasm" movie series, "Phantasm 4: Oblivion" will show next week at a horror film festival in Montreal.
I've waited YEARS for this film!
The Tall Man will go DOWN in this one! Go Reg! Go!
Response #41
By: Zipperhead
Date: 7/22/98 8:22:00 AM
Dont count the Tall Man out quite yet.
Response #42
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 7/22/98 11:29:35 AM
That ball thing was SOOOOO cool.
Response #43
By: sooz
Date: 7/23/98 8:32:58 AM
You People That Never Forget are amazing.
I kinda don't mind Kenny Rogers. He ain't a bad lookin' old dude, ya know? I wonder why I compare people with him? Hmm.
Response #44
By: Ralf
Date: 7/23/98 5:42:48 PM
Secret lustful infatuation.
Response #45
By: Da Sissop
Date: 7/23/98 6:54:51 PM
He's only 26 years old.
Response #46
By: sooz
Date: 7/24/98 1:55:35 PM
I'm gonna change the nature of this post, cuz I'm too lazy to go start another thread.
I noticed that some bands offer free stickers if ya send a SASE. Now, *I* would never go to the trouble of addressing a SASE, stampping it, then addressing an envelope to the band, stamping it, and sticking the whole operation in the mail, in the hope of getting a free sticker of a band I never heard of. But the amazing thing is, some people will.
So, I put up a little section on our page that says we'll do the SASE for a sticker thing. I submitted this info to a few of those "FREE THINGS ON THE WEB" sites.
Suddenly, the page is getting between 100 and 150 hits a day, and SASEs are showing up in the P.O. box. People are very strange. But I AM sending them stickers.