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By: Jerichos Burlap
Date: 7/29/99 2:04:39 AM
# Replies: 58
Lately, I have begun to wonder about some of life' s imponderables. For example:
I have known lots of guys who could tell you virtually anything about almost any model of car for years and years back - engine specs for an 82 Camero; or inundate you with amazing detail from the most obscure sports team - "Oh, the Wagtail Beavers? Yeah, their right guard was Moose Kolawski from Blightsville, Iowa. He had an average of ...". BUT, you ask them when their wife or kid's birthday is, they get this sudden crazed, trapped look on their face. "Uh, before NASCAR starts, but not before, uh..." - Not a clue.
The raw amazement I have felt watching Ms LateToWork transform herself into Ms HeartAttack in the rear-view mirror of her car, while flying down the road at 55+, one hand on the wheel, negotiating lane changes, merges, braking... My gawd, the multi-tasking power. Eat your heart out Intel and Motorola.
All I can hope is: "You will understand with time, grashopper." Sigh.
Response #1
By: Ralf
Date: 7/29/99 7:53:12 AM
Memory's a funny thing. I have trouble with remembering my cel phone number, or relatives' birthdays. But to set a Commodore PET into lowercase you POKE 59468,14.
Now where'd *THAT* come from?
Response #2
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 7/29/99 10:06:26 PM
POKE ralf.brain.memory,ralf.parent(birthday)
Response #3
By: Ralf
Date: 7/30/99 9:30:17 AM
Hay! Kwit pokin mah brane.
Response #4
By: Jerichos Burlap
Date: 7/30/99 9:58:03 PM
A current irrational imponderable - Y2K:
I was talking to some people at work about plums - specifically plum jam. They had never had any. I said I would pick up a jar for them at my next trip to the store.
Walmart, 4:20am, 4 jars of plum jam on the checkout belt. The checkout girl looked at the jam, looked at me. I couldn't resist the impulse. I looked to the left and right, then said in a quiet voice, "Y2K". The effect was virtually instantaneous. She looked like she had been trapped with a godless communist pervert, went into warp drive, scanned-bagged-put in basket about 15 items in 30 seconds flat. It was glorious. Hail the Y2k demon!
Response #5
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 7/31/99 1:02:08 AM
I think it's more important that it was 4:20, rather than the Y2K factor. I think we all know why.
Response #6
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 7/31/99 7:26:11 AM
You could have told her,"it's good for the pores."
Response #7
By: Jerichos Burlap
Date: 7/31/99 6:44:29 PM
Perhaps its just life in the Ozarks. The saga continues:
I slowly pull past the car while queued in line for a stop sign. The driver is spread-eagled against the car, hands flat on the roof, while two stern-looking state troopers go thru the drill. His two bumper stickers say: "Honk if you hate pigs." and "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon."
Nothing wrong with this picture. I just wag my head in wonder.
Response #8
By: Ralf
Date: 8/1/99 8:59:09 PM
I always wondered how ossifers treat a driver with one of them "Bad Cop; No Donut" bumper stickers.
Response #9
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 8/2/99 3:32:36 AM
It depends on the offense.
If you were speeding, then you for sure get a ticket. If you just shot a cop, you get taken to a back lot where you will die, rather than to any kind of jail whatsoever.
However, I can just hear the guy's excuse: "No, like, PIGS... Not cops... REAL PIGS! I hate REAL PIGS!"
Response #10
By: Ralf
Date: 8/2/99 8:23:18 PM
"I'm allergic to pork."
Response #11
By: Jerichos Burlap
Date: 8/3/99 4:56:07 AM
My concideration of imponderables just hit warp drive. I happened to find the site - http://www.darwinawards.com/main.html - an example below:
In the spirit of Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives. Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances of long-term survival.
(3 February 1999, Washington) A man tried to commit a robbery in Renton, WA. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices, as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
Response #12
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 8/7/99 1:11:57 AM
Renton. Figures.
Response #13
By: Jerichos Burlap
Date: 8/7/99 10:38:53 PM
Almost. Renton minus one, actually.
Response #14
By: Jerichos Burlap
Date: 8/7/99 10:50:21 PM
I'm overwhelmed by imponderables. Have decided to switch back to ponderables for a while.
----( The Lies )--------------( and the additional Reality )-----
Of course you're important to us ! ( Just not very )
I'm from the government, and I'm here to help ( Myself )
The check is in the mail ! ( Not outgoing )
The computer just went down ! ( I turned it off )
I'll get right back to you ! ( Right after Elvis )
Of course I'll respect you in the morning ! ( Who Are you ? )
This won't hurt a bit ! ( Just a lot )
Trust me ! ( Someone should )
This hurts me more than it hurts you ! ( Academically )
Sure, I've done this lots of times ! ( In my dreams )
They won't mind if we do this. ( Bang; bleeding )
This always works ! ( For winners )
It will be ready any time now ! ( Once I start it )
But this will be fun ! ( To see you fail )
Response #15
By: Jerichos Burlap
Date: 8/7/99 10:54:00 PM
Whoops. But, I did try to format it real pretty. Sorry guys [Head hung, shuffling foot, abashed look].
Haha! Thanks to Fang's "Edit" thingy, it now IS formatted real pretty; AND you can disregard the above.
Response #16
By: Da Sissop
Date: 8/8/99 8:06:46 AM
Cool. Hay sooz, ya hear that? The edit thingy worked for him.
Response #17
By: Ralf
Date: 8/8/99 12:05:56 PM
As a potential point of interest, I lived in Renton for four years. Attended Kentridge high school, and worked in downtown Renton.
It's an normal little town just stuffed with white people.
Never once felt afeared for my life from crime.
Response #18
By: sooz
Date: 8/8/99 6:42:05 PM
Saw a bumper sticker: "I brake for lynching", with a picture of a confederate flag and a noose. This was pretty imponderable to me.
Re: Editing - sniff, I know, Ralf. Seems a lot of things I click on in cyberspace don't open. I'll figger it out one day.
Response #19
By: Roxanne
Date: 8/8/99 7:46:13 PM
Imponderable:
Why does the Chik-Fil-A "Eat Mor Chikin" campaign feature *dairy* cattle?
Response #20
By: Jerichos Burlap
Date: 8/8/99 9:58:40 PM
I almost forgot to remind everyone. This Friday (13 Aug) has something for almost everyone:
After the Solar Eclipse on the 11th, and you get the compresses removed, you can celebrate Skinny Dipping Day, Blame Someone Else Day and St. Hyppolytus' Day (patron saint of horses and prison guards). I think I'm going to invite a local prison guard and his horse to go skinny dipping, then blame him for missing work. Enjoy.
re: http://www.dailyglobe.com/aug.html
Response #21
By: Da Sissop
Date: 8/10/99 1:37:25 PM
I've given this a lot of thought, and I'm pretty sure this qualifies as an imponderable....
So some time last week I rented a video from Blockbuster, and because I returned it in a timely manner I got a free package of Blockbuster(tm) Microwave Popcorn. As I was munching away on the stuff this afternoon, something compelled me to take a look at the nutrition information on the package.
This information is in a little table, and for each line item (e.g., "Sodium", "Total Fat", et al, ibid) I noticed that there were *two* columns of numbers. My eyes drifted upward, ever upward, until I reached the top of the table, where the column headers reside, and then my jaw dropped in amazement.
The columns are "Popped" and "Unpopped".
Response #22
By: Jerichos Burlap
Date: 8/10/99 2:10:23 PM
Yip! I checked my Pop Weaver - its there, too. This haze is beginnig to envelope me...
Response #23
By: Roxanne
Date: 8/10/99 5:39:55 PM
Popped?
You eat it popped? Eeeuuww!
Response #24
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 8/10/99 8:21:22 PM
Imponderable: Human beings shot a space probe loaded with plutonium in a trajectory which would bring it right back to Earth.
We can all enjoy that right after Blame Someone Else Day.
Response #25
By: Da Sissop
Date: 8/10/99 8:35:04 PM
I never liked Pluto. Waay out there on the fringes. Damn those Plutonians.
Response #26
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 8/11/99 3:54:54 AM
Wait a sec....
Pop WEAVER?? Like, there's some guy out there weaving popcorn into fabric, to surprise the wearer on hot days?
Response #27
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 8/11/99 7:21:26 PM
Nono, Pop Weaver, you know, the less-than-Little League football.
Pop Weaver Football.
(k0f)
Response #28
By: Ralf
Date: 8/12/99 7:53:12 AM
THAT was pretty imponderable.
Response #29
By: Roxanne
Date: 8/12/99 8:47:39 AM
Talk about...POP WEAVER...talk about...POP WEAVER...
New York, London, Paris, Cleaver, Everybody's talkin' 'bout, MM..POP WEAVER!
Oops...sorry...
Response #30
By: sooz
Date: 8/12/99 11:49:35 PM
Pop WARNER. They're a set of brothers, and own the WB, on which you see Pink and the Brain and other delights.
Response #31
By: sooz
Date: 8/13/99 9:24:39 AM
Damn. Make that PINKY and the Brain. I still can't edit. But I can't open most links anywhere, not just here. I've tried everything... clicking, double clicking, opening in the same window, opening in another window... bleh.
Response #32
By: Da Sissop
Date: 8/13/99 9:56:30 PM
Those dirty links. You've tried clicking, double-clicking, opening in the same window, opening in a new window... but nothing seems to work.
You've got Links Around the Cursor.
Response #33
By: Jerichos Burlap
Date: 8/14/99 1:20:53 AM
Thanks for clarifying that about Pink And Pinky. I was ready to rush off to the WB website to buy some pink.
Response #34
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 8/17/99 4:32:53 AM
Yeah, I had started up a small company where I collect money from investors to buy our way towards Warner Pink. I sure am glad there was some kind of clarification and stuff.
Response #35
By: Jerichos Burlap
Date: 8/19/99 2:03:44 AM
This is an imponderable sorta drug over from the thread about Walmart selling Chinese goods.
I bought a little analog volt-ohm meter for diddling with the vehicles. It cost $13.00, plus tax. I started thinking about the path it took to my garage in relationship to what it cost:
Made in China. Raw materials to make wire-wound shunt coil, chips, plastic case, wire leads, ... Assembly. Shipping to port warehouse. Shipping across the Pacific ocean. Transport from port to Missouri (perhaps several stops). Stocking at Walmart and general overhead to sell it.
Now, even assuming that They made/shipped/sold a kazillion of the suckers, and a standard retail markup of 100%, HOW DOES WALMART EVER MAKE ANY MONEY AT ALL ON THIS ITEM?? I just cannot make any sense of it.
Response #36
By: Da Sissop
Date: 8/19/99 7:38:29 AM
"Made in China." Heh.
None of that stuff is actually made in China. It's all based on technology obtained from the aliens after the Roswell crash. "Made in China" is Wal-Mart's equivalent of the Coneheads' "France... we come from France."
Response #37
By: Ralf
Date: 8/19/99 9:14:49 AM
If you factor in that WalMart's actual cost of the product is $0.00, then the markup is quite reasonable.
Response #38
By: Jerichos Burlap
Date: 8/20/99 1:48:55 AM
My gawd, my imponderable has mutated into an inscrutible. And with latent conspiratorial markings, as well.
I think I should believe it was good American management. Yes, that's it - good management. I'm going out now to put up the flag.
Response #39
By: Jerichos Burlap
Date: 8/20/99 2:28:26 AM
Oh, by the way: Sunday 29 Aug 99, computers will all become self-aware and link to each other, creating Sky.net. Don't worry, tho. We still have a little time. I'm moving to Mexico to work for a Chinaman who raises German shepherds.
Response #40
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 8/20/99 7:47:34 AM
Cool. Maybe Sky.net can fix the fact that it's nearing the end of 1999 and we aren't even close to developing Cherry 2000 robots!
Response #41
By: Jerichos Burlap
Date: 8/20/99 12:13:55 PM
Now that would be a beta-test I'd get into. [I just love dangling innuendos.]
Response #42
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 9/12/99 10:04:01 AM
On the Rox: "Why does the Chik-Fil-A "Eat Mor Chikin" campaign feature *dairy* cattle?"
The cows are trying to get people to eat mor chikin to save their numbers. And we all know the we DO indeed more cows, esp. with their spelling ability, and over all higher intellect.
Response #43
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 9/12/99 11:50:14 AM
Don't forget how cow farts affect the ozone.
Response #44
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 9/13/99 12:11:23 AM
Spaz sez:
The cows are trying to get people to eat mor chikin to save their numbers. And we all know the we DO indeed more cows, esp. with their spelling ability, and over all higher intellect. --------------
The point Roxy was trying to make was that we don't eat dairy cattle, so the fact that the ads use them is kinda dumb. If they were beef cattle, it'd make more sense. Of course, most people don't know there's a difference.
Response #45
By: sooz
Date: 9/13/99 10:47:21 AM
Didya know Chik-Fil-A is run by a bunch of far-right-wing Christians?
Response #46
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 9/13/99 1:39:46 PM
Far right-wing (and left wing, and drumstick) Christians with bad spelling skills, yes.
Response #47
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 9/13/99 2:57:37 PM
Sooz:
"Didya know Chik-Fil-A is run by a bunch of far-right-wing Christians?"
That's why they are closed on Sundays
Response #48
By: Ralf
Date: 9/13/99 5:33:54 PM
Why couldn't the dairy cows be campaigning on the behalf of their beefy bretheren? As far as they know, as soon as we polish off all the steers, we're coming for THEM.
Response #49
By: sooz
Date: 9/13/99 8:23:42 PM
Psst.. the misspellings are on PURPOSE.
I never did get that whole shut-em-down-on-Sunday thing. Jesus ran about makin' everyone mad by doing miracles on the Sabbath... so why do we think we're better than that?
Response #50
By: Ralf
Date: 9/14/99 1:20:13 PM
"...and then, Jesus said unto the crowd, 'take this, My specially seasoned chicken sandwich with pickles, and with it share of my flesh. Take this, My 20-oz Diet Coca-Cola, and share of my blood. And know ye the Kingdom of Heaven with one bite of My waffle fries.'"
--Fila 28:10
Response #51
By: sooz
Date: 9/14/99 9:58:02 PM
Speakng of sacriledge, where's Cleo?
Response #52
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 9/15/99 2:24:18 AM
sooz, I hate to be the one to tell you, but Chik-Fil-A is far from miraculous. They don't make the chik'n materialize out of thin air, like the loaves and fishes thing.
Response #53
By: sooz
Date: 9/15/99 1:43:51 PM
That does it. Homer's blown my very last dissilusionment. I'm gonna... I'm gonna... eat at Arby's for lunch.
No, wait. I already did. Love that horsey sauce.
Response #54
By: Ralf
Date: 9/15/99 4:34:15 PM
"...but woe, did not the people listen, and instead partook of the sauce of horses. Jesus was not afraid: 'My friends, devoureth not the Arbeque sauce, for it is rich in artificial colorings. Devoureth not the honey-mustard sauce, for it hath an abundance of sugar. Partake instead of the creamy horsey sauce, of which I shall dip My fries.' And it was good."
--Arby 14:11
Response #55
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 9/16/99 2:11:56 AM
"..take ye these syringes, for though the wine art my blood, this insulin art my blood sugar..."
Response #56
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 9/18/99 12:06:54 AM
The Gospel According to Ralf: Fast Food Parables
Response #57
By: Ralf
Date: 9/19/99 9:58:35 AM
I'd post something from Regurgitations but it's kinda scary.
Response #58
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 9/19/99 7:25:05 PM
Ooo, but you know, it's alwasy betetr the second time around!!! :)__