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By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/18/02 5:24:15 PM
# Replies: 45
I see we have all had our share of humour from the bathroom, and now that we have relieved ourselves it's time to clean it all up. so now let us partake of charming 18th century poetry:
A poor torn heart, a tattered heart,
That sat it down to rest.
Nor noticed that the ebbing day
Flowed silver to the west,
Nor noticed night did soft descend,
Nor constellation burn,
Intent upon the visions
Of Latitudes unknown.
The angels, happening that way
This dusty heart espied
Tenderly took it up from toil
And carried it to God.
There -- sandals for the barefoot.
There -- gathered from the gales
do the blue havens by the hand
Lead the wandering sails.
--Emily Dickinson (1755)
I feel better. Don't you?
Response #1
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/18/02 10:59:20 PM
Yes. Peachy.
Response #2
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/19/02 5:56:14 AM
I feel better, and a little warm and squidgy.
Response #3
By: Roxanne
Date: 3/19/02 9:06:07 AM
I didn't know Emily Dickinson wrote fart poetry. Cool!
Oh, sorry, we are trying to be all cultured now, aren't we? Dammit, you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but the trash never completely washes off!
Response #4
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/19/02 9:07:58 AM
my dear librarian, if ever there was one to appreciate literature over bathroom reading, i would have thought it to be you.
to continue:
Ode On the Death of a Favourite Cat, Drowned in a Tub of Gold Fishes
by Thomas Gray
'Twas on a lofty vase's side,
Where China's gayest art had dyed
The azure flowers that blow,
Demurest of the tabby kind,
The pensive Selima, reclined,
Gazed on the lake below.
Her conscious tail her joy declared;
The fair round face, the snowy beard,
The velvet of her paws,
Her coat, that with the tortoise vies,
Her ears of jet, and emerald eyes,
She saw; and purred applause.
Still had she gazed; but 'midst the tide
Two angel forms were seen to glide,
The genii of the stream:
Their scaly armour's Tyrian hue
Through richest purple to the view
Betrayed a golden gleam.
The hapless nymph with wonder saw:
A whisker first, and then a claw,
With many an ardent wish,
She stretched, in vain, to reach the prize. What female heart can gold despise?
What cat's averse to fish?
Presumptuous maid! with looks intent
Again she stretched, again she bent,
Nor knew the gulf between:
(Malignant Fate sat by, and smiled)
The slippery verge her feet beguiled,
She tumbled headlong in.
Eight times emerging from the flood
She mewed to ev'ry wat'ry god
Some speedy aid to send.
No dolphin came, no nereid stirred;
Nor cruel Tom, nor Susan heard.
A fav'rite has no friend!
From hence, ye beauties undeceived,
Know, one false step is ne'er retrieved,
And be with caution bold.
Not all that tempts your wand'ring eyes
And heedless hearts is lawful prize;
Nor all that glisters, gold.
Response #5
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/19/02 9:10:54 AM
dammit roxanne! now when i look at the poem and see "the ebbing day flowing silver to the west", all i can think of is farts :(
Response #6
By: rorschach
Date: 3/19/02 11:08:54 AM
And now we return to our regularly scheduled potty humor.....
Response #7
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/19/02 2:25:14 PM
before we get on teh subject of potty humour,
you may have wondered where i wandered off to. (particularly witchhazel, who was kind enough to make a fuss last time i left, more than my own mother ever would)). i'm still in dc, but i decided to get a license in massage therapy! i won't rattle through the reasons right now, but anyways it's getting me all stressed out, because classes run 4 days a week, 5 hours a day. in addition, i have fallen terribly behind in work and am now scraping my way out of the hole. in 4 months this will be all over and i will be back to normal. now back to your regularly scheduled poetry humour...
Response #8
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/19/02 6:24:40 PM
"Relax ma'am..it's ok...I'm a licensed massage therapist."
Response #9
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/19/02 6:45:21 PM
I like poetry, it gets me out of uncomfortable questions.
"So, did you remember my mother's birthday?"
"..err..Who's so late by the garden gate, Emily, Kate, and John.."
Response #10
By: sooz
Date: 3/19/02 9:39:54 PM
Ok, Zane, I gotta know... why do you post after yourself?
Susan The Confused
Response #11
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/20/02 12:50:24 AM
SoS... that's GREAT! My husband is a licensed massage therapist. He LOVES his job! (Of course, it doesn't hurt to be TOUCHING naked bodies all day long...) Hehehehe. Good luck to ya.
And yeah Zane... What up with the dual posts? Well, that certainly makes you UNIQUE, so don't change!
Response #12
By: Roxanne
Date: 3/20/02 9:16:48 AM
Zane's identical twin sister "Dingo" is actually posting the second posts.
Response #13
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/20/02 11:48:23 AM
Now wait a second...*I* didn't see any rules that say I can only post once. And for your information Sooz, I posted BEFORE myself...so there!
Response #14
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/20/02 11:53:14 AM
My evil twin will answer that in his next post...
Response #15
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/20/02 4:04:52 PM
witch - touching naked bodies is nice, though i admit a nice perk of the class is that you get to be the naked body half the time. i went a week without going to class and i suffered.
"oh jane, i rub my back for me please. i haven't gotten a massage since monday!"
"ron, you're not getting any sympathy from me..."
Response #16
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/20/02 4:09:08 PM
zane - it's like getting slapped on the head twice, reading one post from you, and then trying to read another before recovering from the first.
Response #17
By: Da Sissop
Date: 3/20/02 7:49:11 PM
Ode To the Baby
by B. Nelson Fang, age 17
O'er hill and dale
There is none so frail
As a baby.
O'er hill and dale
You can hear the wail
Of the baby.
But what is this?
This yonder miracle
That crawls hither
and yon?
Joy dost abound
When that baby is around.
Abundantly.
Redundantly.
Oooh baby I love your way.
When parents and child are together
Two hearts beat as one
According to a recent study
Done
with
chimps.
(hey, it's the only poem I remember)
Response #18
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 3/20/02 10:54:57 PM
I have a theory that massages are actually habit-forming and addictive. The only people I know who say, "Man, I really need a massage" are people who've had them more than once.
Personally, I've never had one and I don't feel any great desire or need to have one. I *need* my tension.
Response #19
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/20/02 11:27:53 PM
I've had three, and I think about it often. That's it. I'm making an appointment for friday.
Response #20
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/21/02 12:51:45 AM
Hmmm, I think I'm free that day. Hehehe.
Gowan's right. Once, and you're an addict. In fact, I am such a massage slut that I've had a massage-a-trois before. Yessiree! My hubby on the feet/legs, and his partner Shannin on the back/neck. One full hour of BLISS. Now tell me you don't want that, GOWAN!?!?!? Come on... just a little taste...
Response #21
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/21/02 7:30:13 AM
yes i've had that before too witch, in class. i don't think i'll ever get the experience again once class is finished...
Response #22
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/21/02 8:40:44 AM
How did I miss the brilliant poem at #17? Can I just say that my beloved baby just ate my best lipstick last night? And it was Lancome too, dammit. Those things don't just grow on trees~ you've got to kill a whale and shit, dammit.
Response #23
By: rorschach
Date: 3/21/02 10:41:27 AM
I'm glad to hear you are so enviromentally concious...
Response #24
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/21/02 4:19:43 PM
Only the best whale blubber for my dear Lara's lips. Makes me wanna lick it right off!
Response #25
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/21/02 8:18:04 PM
Cool it Haze..you’re starting to sound like a crack peddl…nevermind, I’m stopping here. I know myself well enough to feel the puns rising inside me…wait I didn’t mean…oh fergittit, I’m just hitting submit. I’ll try again later.
Response #26
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/21/02 10:41:49 PM
No CENSORSHIP, please.
Response #27
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/22/02 7:13:11 AM
I wasn't censoring..I was still letting Fang's poem soak in and was unable to concentrate.
Response #28
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/22/02 7:56:31 AM
How Many Windows
By Zane T. Dark (3/22/2002)
Research on the net,
Wanna make a bet,
That every single site I hit assumes me in their debt.
Window after window,
Popping here and there,
Whittling my patience, graying all my hair.
Make your penis longer,
Make your breasts real large,
Clear up your complexion for a minor credit charge.
New, improved, and xtra,
Natural and safe,
Better than the one before that made your knuckles chafe.
Become a multi-billioniare,
Sell Real Estate and Books,
We got rich the same way, it’s as easy as it looks.
How many windows must I close,
And through the refuse wade,
To find a decent recipe that gets these brownies made?
Response #29
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/22/02 2:29:40 PM
i'm not sure how the tone of the conversation here degraded to such a filthy level, but it's clear that we all need to clear our minds.
TREES
by Joyce Kilmer
I THINK that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.
Response #30
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/22/02 2:58:07 PM
Um... you guys gettin' all SOFT on me?
Response #31
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/22/02 4:10:26 PM
As a guy, it's one of MY faves...
Response #32
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/22/02 5:08:54 PM
heh heh heh...he said BREAST.
Response #33
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/22/02 5:55:41 PM
i hate to remind you witch, but you were the one who pulled out the stick...
Response #34
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/23/02 6:05:44 PM
Well, in that case, here. Lemme shove it back IN.
Response #35
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/23/02 11:56:31 PM
Watch, she'll try to charge for that...or more rightly, given the right customer base, she could.
Response #36
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/25/02 4:38:43 AM
Lucky for you, there is actually a discount for using my stick-pulling services more than once in a 30-day period.
Response #37
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/25/02 6:12:49 AM
um, where did i put my towel?
Response #38
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/25/02 6:36:38 AM
Ya know SOS, hitchiker ettiquite says you can forget to brush, wash your clothes, wipe...you can even forget to specify 'cooked' when ordering the Bugblatter Fillet on Spangor V, but you must ALWAYS know where your towel is...here, borrow mine..but tuck that equipment back out of the way would you? Thanks man.
Response #39
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 3/25/02 8:24:51 AM
Fudge Brownies
(a/k/a Marcia's Brownie Recipe)
1/2 c. margarine or butter
1 pkg (12 oz) semisweet chocolate chips
1 2/3 c sugar
1 1/4 c all purpose flour
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
3 eggs
1 c chopped nuts (if desired)
Heat oven to 350F. Heat margarine and chocolate ships in 3 qt saucepan
stirring constantly, until melted. Beat in remaining ingredients until
smooth; stir in nuts. Spread in greased rectangular pan 13"x9"x2".
Bake until center is set, about 30 minutes; cool completely. Cut into bars.
36 brownies.
Response #40
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/25/02 8:49:27 AM
Homey, there are times when you are SO utilitarian, I begin to tear up. Thanks d00d!
Response #41
By: rorschach
Date: 3/26/02 10:16:11 AM
soft? that is not the word I'd use....
Response #42
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/26/02 10:29:16 AM
Hey, Homer... When do I put the green stuff into the brownies? You missed a step!
Response #43
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/26/02 11:13:10 AM
Replace 'stir in nuts.' with 'stir in nuts and weed.'.
Response #44
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 3/27/02 7:22:07 AM
Melt the butter, add however much herbal remedy you have on hand and wish to add. I recommend at least 5-6 tablespoons, but, as with many things, Too Much Is Better Than Not Enough.
Turn off heat and allow butter mixture to cool a little. Heat it back up, add the chocolate, continue with recipie as given.
Just adding the weed means all its magic happiness gets killed by the cooking process, whereas if you help the magic happiness make its way into suspension in milkfat, it does much better.
Another fun thing to do is melt some butter, simmer in some herbal remedy, strain, and cool. Use like normal butter, unless you plan to operate heavy machinery.
Not that anyone would ever do these things, mind you.
Response #45
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/27/02 8:31:35 AM
Hmmm, so my edit would have screwed it all up, eh? Thanks for the save Homes..