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By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/20/02 1:15:47 PM
# Replies: 105
I guess I am answering that now...unless you all say NO, farg off you wanker...
Hi...I came here to stalk, but goodheartedly. I'm a pretty lame stalker.
Response #1
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 3/20/02 3:39:27 PM
We'd love to hear all about you.
Pictures would be lovely, too.
No, seriously.
Response #2
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/20/02 4:07:09 PM
who are you? i agree with gowan.
Response #3
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/20/02 5:26:04 PM
I'm Witchy's stalker...from xanga (is that a bad word here?). I suppose they have to be MY pictures... actually I don't know how or where to post pics here. I'm in wa state with three (insert adjective here) kids, and a lot of time on my hands because I'm never doing what I should be. I like all sorts of jazz, chocolate, and sex. I like to sing and write, but I haven't figured out what my mission in life is. I'm probably just killing time till the countdown chip in my head hits zero and...
Oh, and I shaved my legs today.
Response #4
By: Da Sissop
Date: 3/20/02 7:57:51 PM
Leg pix! Leg pix! Leg pix!
Response #5
By: sooz
Date: 3/20/02 9:07:00 PM
As long as your nipples were out of the way.
Response #6
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/20/02 11:29:12 PM
Oooooooooo...heard about your nipple (R.I.P.)...Electric razor baybay!
How pix? How pix?!
Response #7
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/21/02 12:56:02 AM
Lara, of course you know your mission in life. It's to stalk me! You're doing a fine job (but I need a little more enthusiasm when breathing heavy into the phone).
Alright, that's it. Next time I see you, I'm bringing the digicam. (This woman never has pics to share.) Trust me, she's a looker. That's ALL you need to know. Oh, and she has all her nipples intact!
Response #8
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/21/02 1:12:00 AM
Yeah, you saw at least one that I know of...
Response #9
By: Roxanne
Date: 3/21/02 7:10:11 AM
Lara: *I* was the one who nicked a nipple, not sooz.
And for the last time...my nipple was just injured not removed!
What am I gonna have to do? Post pictures to prove that my nips are intact?
Response #10
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/21/02 7:36:06 AM
lord god, you're trying to incite bob again, are you roxy?
lara, plased to meet you. im in the other wa, so we're like buddies already. and if witch says your a hooker, then you must really be something, because the pics she has on her site with her little whip...
Response #11
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/21/02 8:42:40 AM
A hooker or a looker...not that I'm quibling over minor distinctions... and SEVEN...SHHHHHHHHHHHHHh...I'm working this as a classier way to go about it than yelling SHOW ME YOUR TITS out a school bus window...
Response #12
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/21/02 8:44:46 AM
http://us.f1.yahoofs.com/users/dd0c174f/bc/Yahoo!+Photo+Album/lmrsmax.jpg?pf8Lhm8Aaz1PqHKw
Did that work?
Response #13
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 3/21/02 9:59:25 AM
The judges say "no".
Response #14
By: rorschach
Date: 3/21/02 10:44:15 AM
Error 404....
but hey, if witchy says you are looker and have both tits intact, that's good enough for me. planning on visiting Houston anytime soon?
and rox, if you feel the need to post pictures, by all means get em out in the open! (the librarian look always did it for me anyway...)
Response #15
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/21/02 11:47:12 AM
no luck. lara, what's your xanga handle?
Response #16
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/21/02 12:50:50 PM
larston.
hmm...my profiles at yahoo have pics: LaraCigara and superstar3567
Response #17
By: Roxanne
Date: 3/21/02 2:59:41 PM
ror: You know, now that the subject is out there, I just realized I have no photos of my nips...but surely there's some out there on the web somewhere....
Response #18
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/21/02 4:21:14 PM
Roxy, I want to see your nipples in a photo.
As for LaraCigara... Here she is, folks.
Response #19
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/21/02 8:31:13 PM
Yep...she's a smartass. You can tell from that smile. Welcome to the club Lara...Fang and I will have your membership card in the mail in but a few days. And like a true smartass, you're thinking 'I don't need a card from you wankers.' and you're right, that's what we love about you already. And like true smartass wankers, we're sending you one anyway...as soon as Fang finds the laminating machine. We were breaking into quickie marts and using it on the scratch-off lottery tickets earlier this week so there's no telling WHERE it is. Hope we didn't leave it in the rental van...
Response #20
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/21/02 10:42:20 PM
HUGE smartarse.
Zane, why does her membership card need to be laminated? So she can take a bath with it?
Response #21
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/21/02 11:33:50 PM
I need it as an ice scraper for my car.
Response #22
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/22/02 5:15:15 AM
Witch, this isn't some treehouse club we're talking about! A professional nunCard*TM will get you discounts at your favourite monestaries and sororities of jesuit and fransiscan persuasion.* The nunCard*TM also serves as a "get out of confession free" card, which, when punched by a participating bishop, is worth one round about the rosary, or one venial sin, whichever is worth less. So get your nunCard*TM today!
*Do not attempt to use card at protestant, lutheran, anglican, or buddhist facilities, and you are liable to be branded as a papist and mocked, or you are liable to be converted to an untrue faith, at which point you will be excommunicated by the true church and burned at the stake.
Response #23
By: sooz
Date: 3/22/02 5:25:38 AM
You and Fang, Zane? Since when did you get promoted to assistant Sissop?
Lara: Fang = Sissop. He used to use the name Beinfang... "Fang" for short. And who's baby did you steal in the picture?
Response #24
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/22/02 6:15:56 AM
Well damn! I can use that card in The Church of Sissop! Make ME one while you're at it.
Response #25
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/22/02 7:14:26 AM
Sooz:
Assistant Sissop?! Fang don't need no steeenking assistant sissop; and even if he did, it's doubtful he'd entrust ME with that honor in the first place. The nunnery would end up with the entire InZane Industries Inc. product line for sale along with popup windows on how to make your own DSS descrambler with used pinball machine parts and how to make money in your spare time collecting naval lint...or is that navel lint...I always get that mixed up.
Zane The Assistant Un-Sissop
-President, CEO, and bartender of I-Cubed (tm)
Response #26
By: bob
Date: 3/22/02 11:02:50 AM
ah laminating machine, reminds me of how i almost had to use one on someones hand who owed me money.....fortunately he paid though, i am sure that would have smelled pretty bad.
Response #27
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/22/02 2:59:28 PM
I'll love to buy something using a laminated $20 bill.
Response #28
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/23/02 10:26:18 AM
Heck, you almost HAVE to have one laminated to spend it at work. Feeding singles in one at a time hoping the machine will approve, it's like a credit check.."Yay, I've been approved for soda!" -Raymond
Response #29
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/23/02 6:06:09 PM
Hehehe. True. I once tried five different $1 bills in the machine. NADA. Then, someone came right after me and put in a $1 and the damn thing WORKED.
Response #30
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/24/02 1:56:24 PM
Do streetlights turn off when you walk by? They do with me...weird
Response #31
By: WitchHazel
Date: 3/25/02 4:40:38 AM
No, but every time I walk by our (loaded) washing machine, the load becomes unbalanced and starts screaming at me.
(Ahhh. Housework. Ya gotta love it.)
Response #32
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/25/02 5:15:46 AM
Now that's annoying, an attention-hound washing machine. Does your dryer ever get depressed and only get things 'damp'?
Response #33
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/25/02 9:34:23 AM
I gots the cadillac of washing machines...I think it runs off the power generated by the raisins, rocks, hot wheels and tissues found in pockets. It uses a tablespoon of water and is a front loader so it never goes off balance. You can't hear it run...and I have my suspicions about how well it is actually cleaning the clothes. Maybe I should have bought a hot tub and washed my clothes with me every night in the jacuzzi. sigh.
Response #34
By: bob
Date: 3/25/02 10:15:39 AM
lara: i once read an artical about people turning off street lights and how to tell if it was you or a fluke. but, i do notice them going off a lot as i walk or drive by.
Response #35
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/25/02 11:08:14 AM
Lara:
I LIKE it! Washing clothes in the katuzzi...making sure of course to use the 'low-sudz' formula.
It's difficult to say, but perhaps your washer is so advanced:
A) It just teleports in new clothes from another dimension and doesn't really wash anything.
B) It teleports the clothes, but not the dirt/grime, to the land of unmatched socks and extra coathangers, washes itself very quietly, then sends them back. Of course, the process can sometimes foul up, leaving you with a pinkish sock you never saw in your life, or you get an old one back but it looks like it was worn for a couple of days by Andre the Giant and all the elastic is stretched out of it.
C) No teleportation is involved (that's a bit far fetched), it uses Keebler Elfin Magic (tm).
D) It's saving all the really horrendous sounds for the day you put that $75 top and those new $215 slacks in on delicate, then it sounds like a chipper/shredder and you get back a 'Jane of Greystoke' outfit.
E) It licks them clean, and soon a hairball the size of Vermont will be majestically poised in the middle of the laundry room.
Response #36
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/25/02 6:17:12 PM
Bob...people like you and I have such a magnificent aura that we set off the light sensors...I'm sure of it.
Z...are you David Sedaris in real life (I normally subscribe to the composting theory of laundry, but sometimes there's just not time)?
Response #37
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/25/02 9:29:54 PM
Hmmm...does he sell Amway?
Response #38
By: rorschach
Date: 3/26/02 10:18:42 AM
Yep, she'll do....
and the front loader is inherently unbalanced by it's very design. thats why they put a big block of concrete in them... to damp out the vibrations and keep them from dancing around the house. (ever tried to move one? hernia city!)but they are still hell on the support bearings for the tub. expect expensive repairs.
course if you lived in a warmer climate you wouldn't need to use your SmartAss Card as a ice scraper either.....
Response #39
By: bob
Date: 3/26/02 1:19:25 PM
lara: i always thought the lights went out because i was so ugly, not even the streetlights want to look at me.
Response #40
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/26/02 3:37:21 PM
NO! We have a light that shines from within!
Response #41
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 3/27/02 7:29:55 AM
Hmm. Zane as David Sedaris.
David Sedaris is this geeky tiny gay man from New York who lives in Paris who has a wacky sense of humor and a thin nasal voice. Want to hear him?
Response #42
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/27/02 8:39:36 AM
Well, nobody's gonna 'mistake' me for him in person, that's for sure. And in case any of you who *don't* know care what I DO look like, if John Candy and Fred Flintstone had a son...tada!
Response #43
By: rorschach
Date: 3/27/02 10:35:29 AM
there was a mexican guy that had a 120w light within, but surgeons removed it... he was drunk and couldn't remember how it got there to begin with.....
Response #44
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/27/02 6:40:19 PM
zane, you're looking mighty sharp these days.
Response #45
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/27/02 8:37:43 PM
[slips 7o7 a benji]
Ahem...why thank you sir!
Response #46
By: bob
Date: 3/28/02 12:24:56 PM
sos is bribed by little rat dogs? good to know
Response #47
By: sooz
Date: 3/28/02 12:30:02 PM
Those stories happen about once a week in most any ER, Ror*... to WHITE people even!
Response #48
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/28/02 2:00:23 PM
You mean the ER takes payment in pets?! How healthy do they have to be?
Response #49
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 3/29/02 11:28:57 PM
Hey, what happened to LaraCigara? Did we scare off another one?
Response #50
By: LaraCigara
Date: 3/30/02 7:58:38 AM
Zane's a cutie-pie...
Ms. Cigara backed off so as not to crowd someone else, who's primary home is here.
I think you're all a hoot.
beeeeeeg smooches.
Response #51
By: sooz
Date: 3/30/02 10:41:52 AM
Hell. If Zane's not worried about crowding, you sure as hell shouldn't be. C'mon, girlfriend.
And tell Witchy I miss her.
Response #52
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/30/02 11:08:02 AM
Crowding, eh. What does my shoulder width have to do with this...hey wait a second..is this a "weight" joke? Because I try to avoid 4-syllable words whenever I can and balance heavy conversation with, well...two more pictures of cats..:
Response #53
By: rorschach
Date: 3/30/02 5:10:02 PM
my statement was not intended to be racist, merely recalling a humorous article in the newspaper....
Response #54
By: sooz
Date: 3/30/02 6:20:29 PM
Zane, I LOVE the cat in the sack.
About Man's Best Friend: Jimmy's amazingly dumb cat LOVES anything that smells like his feet, armpits or crotch. I think she needs therapy.
Ror*: I guess I never figured out how his race was relevant. (shrug)
Response #55
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 3/30/02 9:42:11 PM
Well, I have a 'Man's best freind' cat myself...who will also bury his head in leather shoes. I think it's a trait...I don't know what it means...but it must be genetic.
Response #56
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 3/31/02 1:31:41 PM
It means the cat is dumb.
Response #57
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 4/3/02 5:51:49 AM
...or knows which side HIS bread is buttered on.
Response #58
By: LaraCigara
Date: 4/3/02 11:45:20 AM
...or he butters his bread with toe jam.
Response #59
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 4/4/02 6:45:47 AM
Hmmm, if you use jam...are you still 'buttering' something. Or are you jamming it? And if you're jamming it...where are you jamming it; and if you're not jamming it then what the hell ARE you doing with it? These are the things I begin to think about while I'm on the toilet waiting for my legs to fall asleep.
Response #60
By: LaraCigara
Date: 4/4/02 3:21:39 PM
Zane, you're the Red Queen, aren't you.
Response #61
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 4/4/02 10:49:05 PM
The name, my dear, is *Emperor* Fabulous.
Response #62
By: rorschach
Date: 4/5/02 10:45:18 AM
Zane a Queen? thats an image I could do without......
and Sooz, mexican as in it happened in mexico, that's all I meant....
Response #63
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 4/7/02 3:28:45 AM
I know ROR, the jokes were coming in too fast so I opted for the alternate name before my eustation tubes exploded..
Response #64
By: stressmagnet
Date: 4/8/02 12:34:55 AM
Farg off you wanker....
Response #65
By: LaraCigara
Date: 4/8/02 12:35:28 AM
why thank you veddy much...bows.
YOU TART!
Response #66
By: stressmagnet
Date: 4/8/02 3:42:54 PM
I guess this exchange is rapidly becoming my intro... I am a sad sad woman.
Response #67
By: LaraCigara
Date: 4/8/02 5:22:33 PM
AND she cooks!
Response #68
By: stressmagnet
Date: 4/8/02 8:46:41 PM
Not lately. I am on strike.
Response #69
By: LaraCigara
Date: 4/9/02 12:23:43 AM
aw...but you still make loogie sammiches, right?
Don't eat at Stressie's if she's mad atcha!
Response #70
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 4/10/02 5:06:11 AM
Ah yes, good advice no matter WHERE you are...piss off the women and wind up with cat litter in the salad dressing and pubes in the mashed taters...whether they're doin' the cookin' or not. Although the women that hang around this place are more likely, in my opinion, to take it a few steps further if pushed, like tabasco in the nasal spray or finely-ground green peppercorns in the Gold Bond medicated powder...[cringe] "My but you ARE moving fast this morning, honey-britches."
Response #71
By: sooz
Date: 4/10/02 8:45:26 PM
Geezus, Zane, what ARE you talking about?
Response #72
By: stressmagnet
Date: 4/10/02 10:05:05 PM
Man - I gots lots to learn. I am buying Yahoo's spycam and moving next door to Zane.
Response #73
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 4/11/02 8:57:23 AM
Ain't sooz just adorable when she's playing innocent? Only thing missing is her twirling her hair around an index finger w/ her head tilted in one of those finely-crafted questioning looks that only trusted pet can pull off naturally...
I'm not talking about anything sooz, just plug your ears and mutter 'lah, lah's' until Uncle Zane is done.
Oh, and stress...don't front on me; I doubt I could teach you anything, except perhaps how to rhyme the word orange.
Response #74
By: sooz
Date: 4/11/02 11:16:31 AM
Oh, that's right, Zane. You were off on one of your "all women are like this and all men are like this other thing" rants that have no connection to any reality I've ever lived in. No wonder you sounded nuts.
Response #75
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 4/11/02 12:23:30 PM
Wow, where'd all this anger come from?
C'mon, people, release the tension and flow.
Oh, lord, I'm starting to sound like Homer.
Response #76
By: sooz
Date: 4/11/02 12:37:15 PM
Oh, you know me... a silly bimbo that gets tired of being lumped into one of two categories based on my genitals. Silly, silly me.
Response #77
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 4/11/02 4:28:52 PM
oh i understand. i really hate getting lumps on my genitals too.
Response #78
By: sooz
Date: 4/11/02 8:01:31 PM
And if you have a skin tag on your special purpose, mark my words... IT'S NOT NORMAL.
Response #79
By: Roxanne
Date: 4/12/02 7:58:38 AM
I don't really mind being lumped into a category based on my genitals...just so long as it's the *correct* category!
Then again, I do own a pair of Lee Press-On Balls (*TM)
Response #80
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 4/12/02 11:54:27 AM
"I gave my love two coconuts
She told me 'these are ok, but...
Although you want to be nice to me,
What good are the nuts, without the tree?'"
--the Jolly Boys
Response #81
By: Da Sissop
Date: 4/13/02 4:19:08 PM
(grabbing and shaking genitals frantically)
IS THIS ALL I AM TO YOU PEOPLE??! IS THIS ALL YOU SEE OF ME??!!1! I HAVE A MIND YOU KNOW!! I HAVE FEELINGS, AND... and... hey this feels kinda good...
be back in a bit
Response #82
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 4/14/02 1:57:53 AM
Pointing out trends in behavior that happen to be gender-based is far from catagorizing or lumping anyone anywhere. I read your post as you feining mock ignorance about how someone who was going to get back at someone, would, in fact, do something really horrid..kind of like you actually *had* done something like that once, but weren't going to admit it. I ain't got no cause to go round willy-nilly lumpin' people places; hell I can't even organize my M:TG cards for peetsake! And they have like, books and free websites to help you do that...
sooz is right SOS...I think that's caused by friction. Well, not ALL genital lumping..just the skin tag part.
Response #83
By: Da Sissop
Date: 4/14/02 6:55:10 AM
I may regret asking this, but, umm, what's a "skin tag"?
Response #84
By: sooz
Date: 4/14/02 10:21:35 AM
http://www.focusonskin.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=7234&rd=1
Or, for some real fun, type "skin tag" into the google image search engine. Mmmm.
Response #85
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 4/14/02 1:20:18 PM
No, I think she was really baffled by what you were saying.
Not that it should be anything new for either of ya.
Response #86
By: LaraCigara
Date: 4/14/02 4:17:59 PM
I don't know why but this discussion reminded me of the thing I just read about the deep water diver who used sea water pumped through a hose to warm his suit...something about sucking a jellyfish into his buttcrack and whatnot. I keep trying to figure out how to use that one in real life. This has consumed many of my waking hours.
My best ones come from divine inspiration, however. I'll never top the cooked vermicelli.
Response #87
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 4/14/02 9:29:44 PM
[putting chin on fist]
So...and you set this up you know...tell us about the cooked vermicelli.
Response #88
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 4/15/02 6:46:47 AM
yes, i'd like to know too.
sooz: thanks for the skin tag info. we actually learned about papiloma in massage therapy class and what to do about it (don't touch it).
Response #89
By: rorschach
Date: 4/15/02 10:31:50 AM
why? is it evil? (thinking of the line from "Time Bandits".....doncha know...)
Response #90
By: sooz
Date: 4/15/02 10:55:17 AM
(Getting back to Sissop's crotch-waving...)
Has anyone else seen the t-shirt or bumper sticker that says "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."? Please, think of the kittens!
Response #91
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 4/15/02 2:12:28 PM
sooz, you're ruining it for me :(
Response #92
By: LaraCigara
Date: 4/15/02 4:05:39 PM
I like those things chasing the kitten...
vermicelli...pots and pots of it, cooked, poured over a boy's car in the wee hours of the morning. It takes the paint off in really cool patterns. The boy rigged a long dead duck to swing in my front door. Unfortunately it had been dead for so long that it swung in, the neck disintegrated, and the duck hit me in the face.
I honestly can't remember which came first...probably the vermicelli. There were minor precursors with dead fish and spray paint.
Remember how if a boy likes you, he hits you in the arm? If he REALLY likes you, he assaults you with rotting waterfowl. Bleh.
Response #93
By: Da Sissop
Date: 4/15/02 5:38:39 PM
"Somewhere between infatuation and obsession.... Duck. By Calvin Klein."
Response #94
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 4/16/02 5:07:41 AM
"Hello Sue...I've got legs. Do you like...bread? I have a french loaf! [bonks girl on head with loaf of bread] Goodbye...I love you!"
-Eddie Izzard
Response #95
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 4/16/02 12:17:03 PM
Eddie rulez. He was on Politically Incorrect last night, being the only smart one there. In fact, they should take the show away from Bill Maher and give it to Eddie.
Response #96
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 4/16/02 3:51:38 PM
Ahhh, Homer...ya know, I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking about that it'd be so cool...hmmm, perhaps if he had brought a flag, hmmm?
Response #97
By: sooz
Date: 4/17/02 4:46:53 AM
I'm in favor of taking that show away from Maher and giving it to durn near anyone. Homer, YOU take it. That'd be fun.
Response #98
By: rorschach
Date: 4/18/02 10:03:35 AM
Hell, I'd take it, I'm about as politically incorrect as they come.....
(BTW, I always new there was a reason why I disliked cats......)
Response #99
By: LaraCigara
Date: 4/18/02 10:09:10 AM
Sometimes I type in a reply and am about to hit submit when I realize that it sounds a little too close to something Ralph Wiggum said on the Simpsons...and I am afraid.
Response #100
By: rorschach
Date: 4/19/02 10:01:20 AM
I've always seen the button as telling me that I must submit. but given my personality, I have a hard time submitting to anyone.....
Response #101
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 4/19/02 6:05:18 PM
"Heehee! Death tickles!" --Ralph Wiggums
Response #102
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 4/20/02 12:43:39 AM
Don't second guess yourself Lara, just treat it as an exercise in 'What Would Wiggums Do?' and hit submit.
Response #103
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 4/20/02 2:56:45 PM
We'll only mock you mercilessly for a short period of time if at all.
Response #104
By: LaraCigara
Date: 4/22/02 8:48:31 AM
my cat smells funny.
Response #105
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 4/23/02 1:14:39 AM
[nodding in recognition]
my hovercraft is full of eels.
[passes Lara a note then speeds off on scooter the size of Hot Wheels car]
