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By: The Sorcerer
Date: 12/16/97 11:29:25 PM
# Replies: 94
The Top 15 Ways Christmas Would Be Different
If Hugh Hefner Were Santa
15) Tremendous upsurge in sales of 3-D Christmas cards.
14) Over the fireplace--Fishnet stockings with garters.
13) Wanna sit on Santa's lap? You gotta be 18 and sign a release.
12) New non-androgynous "Elves" required to be at least 5"11" tall and list
turn-ons/turn-offs on application.
11) Santa still looks like a dirty old man, but MRS. Claus--Whoa, Baby!
10) Carols with references to "gay apparel" become suddenly pointless.
9) Hugh's workload increased to one day a year.
8) Those battery-operated toys under the tree ain't for the kiddies.
7) Milk and cookie replaced with silk and nookie.
6) Finally get rid of that tired old red suit for the timeless look of
paisley pajamas.
5) Christmas Eve no longer the only night Santa goes around the world.
4) "Madonna and Child" replaced with--hey, wait a minute . . .
3) Sure, it's the "Nutcracker Suite," but there's not a pecan, walnut or
almond to be found.
2) Vixen in leather muzzle on your rooftop is actually Anna Nicole Smith.
and the Number 1 Ways Christmas Would Be Different If Hugh Hefner Were
Santa . . .
1) Better get a second carrot for Frosty.
Response #1
By: Roxanne
Date: 1/14/98 5:56:15 PM
I'm cleaning my oven!
Response #2
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/14/98 7:17:34 PM
Hmmm....so *that's* what it's called.
Response #3
By: Ralf
Date: 1/15/98 6:24:20 PM
Is it a euphemism for something?
I'm SO behind on my jargon!
Response #4
By: sooz
Date: 1/15/98 6:37:25 PM
I need a jargon update myself, please.
Three times in two days I heard a strange word (we all know the 3-times rule about new words, right?). Please explain to me the meaning of:
JINKY
In context: I wouldn't scratch my lottery ticket that way. Some people call that jinky.
Response #5
By: Da Sissop
Date: 1/16/98 5:11:52 AM
Sorry, a DejaNews search only returned "Jinky" in the context of names or nicknames.
That'll be five dollars, please.
Response #6
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/16/98 7:10:09 AM
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't 'Jinky' a Scooby Doo reference?
Jinkies: Gink'eez interjection An exclamation of enlightenment or surprise. Used to convey a general sense of closure upon finding a clue leading to the solution of a mystery that would have remained one 'had it not been for those meddling kids'.
See Also: Holy Spam, Aha, Yikes, My Foot, What's This
Response #7
By: Da Sissop
Date: 1/16/98 8:28:49 AM
Zoinks!
Response #8
By: Ralf
Date: 1/16/98 4:29:23 PM
One might surmise from the context offered that it has something to do with "jinxing" something.
I.e., to reduce the chances of a desireable event occuring significantly.
Response #9
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/17/98 1:48:00 PM
Yea, we all know what Daphne and Fred were off doing when they were "looking for clues"...but then again, that red neckerchief makes me wonder.
Response #10
By: Ralf
Date: 1/17/98 5:47:16 PM
I think Shaggy and Scooby were having a bestial affair.
Response #11
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/18/98 6:09:13 AM
Well, that look of Shaggy's is a 'bestial affair' all on it's own, so that makes sense...so who had the worse speech impediment...Astro or Shaggy?
Response #12
By: Da Sissop
Date: 1/18/98 8:29:17 AM
And the boy was eating DOG snacks. That just ain't right.
Response #13
By: rorschach
Date: 1/18/98 3:49:10 PM
man my childhood has been trashed to hell now.....
Response #14
By: Roxanne
Date: 1/18/98 4:18:43 PM
Bert and Ernie were a gay couple. I have thought that for a long time and just recently, I hear others speculating as to the ambiguity of their relationship...
Wonder how long before anyone else figures out that Curious George was a Rhesus monkey and the man in the yellow hat was a scientist doing experiments on him? Read "Curious George gets a Medal" and "Curious George goes to the Hospital" if you pooh-pooh the theory...
Response #15
By: Ralf
Date: 1/18/98 5:48:52 PM
Or these two underground classics...
"Curious George Infects a Lab Worker"
"Curious George and the Ebola Breakout"
Response #16
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/19/98 1:38:53 AM
"Curious George Pull The Lever"
"Curious George Gets Cloned"
Response #17
By: Da Sissop
Date: 1/19/98 9:07:49 PM
"Bi-Curious George Makes a New Friend"
Response #18
By: Ralf
Date: 1/21/98 9:50:41 AM
"Curious George Gets His Ass Kicked By A Pimp"
Response #19
By: Da Sissop
Date: 1/21/98 9:57:15 AM
I was always suspicious of that yellow hat.
Response #20
By: sooz
Date: 1/21/98 5:37:14 PM
"Curious George meets his colorful brother, Boy."
Response #21
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 1/24/98 8:06:57 AM
"Curious George Pulls Zane's Finger"
Now that's a classic! Smoooch!
Response #22
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/24/98 1:48:03 PM
"The Man in the Yellow Hat Spanks His Monkey...Curious George Asks for More...Film At Eleven"
Response #23
By: Jay
Date: 1/26/98 9:51:24 AM
Curious George Throws Shit at Vistors to the Monkey Exhibit
Response #24
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/28/98 1:59:23 PM
"Curious George Sees Monkey Do, Does Same."
Response #25
By: sooz
Date: 1/28/98 5:49:55 PM
Curious George wonders if he's related to George of the Jungle.
Response #26
By: Da Sissop
Date: 1/29/98 11:28:13 AM
Curious George Leads the Beatles to India
Response #27
By: Jay
Date: 1/29/98 11:35:22 AM
Curious George Spends Summer in Kennibunkport
Response #28
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/30/98 5:12:24 AM
Curious George Ponders Nuclear Legs Race
Response #29
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 1/31/98 3:52:19 PM
"Curious George Gets Sexual Reassignment Surgery"
Response #30
By: Ralf
Date: 1/31/98 9:54:32 PM
Curious George Learns Enough to Become Bored George
Response #31
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/31/98 10:08:14 PM
Curious George Kills A Cat
Response #32
By: sooz
Date: 2/1/98 2:00:32 PM
Curious George moves to the midwest, kills 16 cats with a baseball bat, and the community says "boys will be boys".
Response #33
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 2/2/98 11:03:43 AM
Curious George kills two people with a pickax, spends 15 years in prison, "finds GOD" and wants his death penalty sentence to be commuted so he can help others in prison.
Response #34
By: rorschach
Date: 2/2/98 3:34:31 PM
KILL THE bastard!(or bitch, whichever!)
Response #35
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/3/98 1:56:10 AM
...which reminds me to plug a MUD I found:
dragonmud.org:4201
Response #36
By: rorschach
Date: 2/3/98 1:36:37 PM
MUD? Municipal Utility District?
Response #37
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/3/98 4:19:43 PM
MUD: Multi-user dungeon. Like a text adventure game, only with lots of people at the same time.
Response #38
By: Mycroft
Date: 2/12/98 5:43:13 PM
Whatever happened to TinyTIM
Response #39
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/12/98 5:51:26 PM
whoa! mycroft! howdy!
I'm logged in to TinyTIM right this minute.
Response #40
By: Da Sissop
Date: 2/12/98 8:37:57 PM
Uhm, I'd *like* your undivided attention, please.
And Homer, are you chewing GUM?
And howdy, Mycroft! Whoever ya are!
Response #41
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 2/12/98 11:38:04 PM
He's Sherlock Holmes' older, even more intelligent brother.
Response #42
By: Ralf
Date: 2/13/98 6:11:43 PM
Also the name of the computer in The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress.
Response #43
By: Cleotis
Date: 2/15/98 8:45:20 PM
Homer, I have a new respect for you.
Anyone who can openly admit that they're log is in Tiny Tim is far more secure in their manhood that I am.
Response #44
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/16/98 9:56:17 PM
Hehe... I log in TO TinyTIM.
Its a thing. You telnet to it. Then you lose your mind (and all your free time).
Response #45
By: rorschach
Date: 2/17/98 4:40:57 PM
esplain please....
Response #46
By: Cleotis
Date: 2/17/98 9:02:42 PM
What is Tiny Tim, and how do I get there? My Telnet client has been collecting dust for awhile now.
Response #47
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/17/98 10:06:15 PM
TinyTIM is a magical place with pink hearts and blue diamonds.
Actually, it is a MUSH, run by a cow. It has a talking clock, a Dweenle, a Coyote, a paratwa, and more in-jokes than you can possibly imagine.
Its social, its trivial, and its the same color. "Its not just a game... its a REALLY BIG GAME."
Response #48
By: Mycroft
Date: 2/17/98 11:55:00 PM
As for me. I am BOTH a desert wax and a floor topping.... Er.. I mean, my name is drawn both from Sherlock's brother AND the cool heinleinian computer.
I think I might have gone by Merlin on here. I can never remember when I joined. *points at Homer* It was his fault originally *points at Grin/Roach/Scarafaggio* It's her fault now.
Response #49
By: jaka
Date: 3/17/98 5:48:22 PM
Mycroft, if you're the much-touted Dessert Wax AND Floor Topping, then why is the ice cream so scratched-up, and the kitchen floor so tasteless?
Hi all. Mycroft told me where you live now. It's his fault. Everything evil is his fault. This has been firmly established.
Everything except me, that is. As far as I can tell, I'm a robotic creation, a joint project by Steve Jobs and Douglas Hofstadter.
Response #50
By: rorschach
Date: 3/17/98 6:10:06 PM
doug hofstadter? isn't he the guy that builds a robot mechanisim, connects it to a neural net then steps back while the poor thing thrashes itself to death while it tries to figure out how it operates?
Response #51
By: rorschach
Date: 3/17/98 6:16:42 PM
steve jobs? isn't he the guy that starts computer companies that build computers that only do greyscale video because he thinks grey is cool, fails to license the os and fails to open the system to outside developers then watches the company flounder?
Response #52
By: Da Sissop
Date: 3/17/98 8:23:38 PM
Heya jaka! Good to seeya agin!
I see you've met rorschach. :)
Response #53
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 3/17/98 10:50:49 PM
Man, how can I be as cool as Mycroft?
He knows Jaka *AND* grin.
I hate him.
Response #54
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 3/18/98 3:00:44 AM
jakajakajakajaka.
How the hell are you? How's Chris?
Response #55
By: Loki
Date: 3/18/98 9:42:46 AM
News for anyone who hasn't heard... Jaka and I got married June 22 this past year.
For Gowan: There is a specific ritualistic procedure that one can theoretically go through to become as 'cool' as Mycroft. It involves an arc-welder, five rolls of teflon tape, a box of side-walk chalk, a beer-stein filled with mercury, three yards of Saranwrap, one superconducting supercollider, and a very surprised goose.
The current success rate is only %0.023, and those tend to be horribly, horribly mutated, but our success is assured eventually. Our agents will be at your door shortly. Thank you for volounteering.
Response #56
By: jaka
Date: 3/18/98 12:17:59 PM
It gets worse... not only does Mycroft know both me and grin, he conspired to introduce us. Muahahahaha!
Me, Loki, married, yes. Whee! And you people thought I would... I would... well, gods only know WHAT you people thought I would do, but I shall continue to gloat as if nothing could be farther from your expectations than this reality is! Ha! It's kinda fun. He rubs my feet.
Hey, Homer. This marriage business is all your fault, you know. If you hadn't introduced us, I'd still be merrily miserabling my life away on jerks. ;)
Hi, Gowan. Hi, Siss. Hullo, Rorschach.
Who watches the Watchman?
Response #57
By: rorschach
Date: 3/19/98 12:12:48 PM
ahch! yet another marriage made at leat partially in cyberspace... mine was as well (through a third party I might add as well). and coincidentally june 22 is my wife's birthday... i dunno if this is a good or bad omen....but good luck anyway....
Response #58
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 3/19/98 3:54:28 PM
I didn't know Loki from the online world. I met him one night at a cafe with some other folks I knew from the cafe, and then in walks Jaka, and I introduce them and BANG they were off in their own world, and before you know it...
...they're married. It was so romantic. Everyone sigh along with me now.
:::sigh:::
Jaka, I thought you two had already handfasted a long time ago.
Response #59
By: Mycroft
Date: 3/20/98 4:26:14 AM
Yes, but they had to get married a year later. (Instead of the year and a day they planned on, which would have been on June 23rd) That way they wouldn't be living in sin according to their respective PDCR.
I was the best humanoid, we _nearly_ had Wes Satterly as maid-of-honor, and I spent 8 hours doing the flowers with my then-actuall-girlfriend.
Response #60
By: Da Sissop
Date: 3/20/98 7:11:34 AM
Just in case any more of you want to get married, I would like to point out that I just received my credentials of ministry from the Universal Life Church in the mail yesterday.
In fact, I'm considering just arbitrarily pairing folks up and pronouncing them man and wife, so WATCH YOUR BACKS.
Response #61
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 3/20/98 4:24:20 PM
now what truely interests me is...
..how come I didn't get invited to the wedding?
:-)
Response #62
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 3/21/98 7:10:02 AM
Hey Jaka...nice to read you again!
Response #63
By: rorschach
Date: 3/23/98 6:32:17 PM
interesting... june 23'rd is MY birthday..... coincidences just keep coming....
so fang, do we have any say in who gets paired or is it just luck of the draw or do you have some sinister plan?
Response #64
By: Da Sissop
Date: 3/23/98 10:02:09 PM
When you least expect it, your elected, you're the groom todaaaay....
Response #65
By: Ralf
Date: 3/24/98 8:31:19 PM
Fang! Marry him to Alan Funt!
Response #66
By: Kathy
Date: 3/28/98 1:10:39 PM
And for only $3, Fang will order you an authentice marriage certificate from the church!
Response #67
By: rorschach
Date: 3/28/98 2:57:31 PM
sounds like a deal.... do you come with?
Response #68
By: Ralf
Date: 3/29/98 8:24:36 PM
Sorry, only one wife to a customer.
(You're already married, big guy!)
Response #69
By: rorschach
Date: 3/31/98 12:47:22 PM
AW SHUCKS!
Response #70
By: Zipperhead
Date: 3/31/98 1:31:05 PM
Watch it rorschach no hitting on sweet little Kathy
Response #71
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 3/31/98 6:58:01 PM
Why not? Didn't you just make a big deal to point out she didn't have a boyfriend? Sounded like you were trying to drum up some interest.
Response #72
By: Zipperhead
Date: 4/1/98 3:28:08 PM
Oh yeah. I forgot Thanks Gowan. Hey maybe if she gets a boyfriend she will quit comming to my house scrounging for food....HIT AWAY!!!!!
Response #73
By: Kathy
Date: 4/1/98 8:52:14 PM
Just when you think it couldn't get any more embarrassing...
I have your car, old man.
Response #74
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 4/2/98 11:55:48 AM
"Hey, baby..."
Response #75
By: rorschach
Date: 4/3/98 12:20:14 PM
GETTING KINDA LONELY UP THERE IN GRUNGEVILLE GOWAN?
Response #76
By: Loki
Date: 4/3/98 12:36:18 PM
Children, behave or I'll sic Mycroft on her. He has an astonishing ability to say "I'll be back later, I'm going over to hit on [targeted person]" AND ACTUALLY END UP GOING HOME WITH THEM. Sucess rate is currently at 72.49%.
Response #77
By: sooz
Date: 4/3/98 2:12:41 PM
That sounds unhealthy.
Response #78
By: Jay
Date: 4/3/98 3:17:22 PM
Hey kids lets go.....
Brazilian Kiddie TV Star Launches Theme Park
SAO PAULO, Brazil (Reuters) - Xuxa Meneghel, Brazil's queen of children's television, will launch a $200 million water theme park next year, a spokesman for the project said Friday.
Xuxa Water Park will be built on 125 acres in the beachfront town of Itanhaem, southwest of Sao Paulo, said Nelson Barros of Embrapark, her partner in the project.
"Xuxa is the grabber. What could be better than having one of the best entertainers in Brazil," he said in an interview.
The 34-year-old Xuxa, pronounced SHOO-shah, has built a small business empire by selling or sponsoring products such as dolls, plastic sandals, diapers and skincare products.
She began her career as a soft porn actress before moving to children's shows. Her personal fortune is estimated at around $30 million.
Her 10-year-old television show is a Brazilian broadcaststaple that is exported to several Latin American countries.
Reuters/Variety ^REUTERS@
Response #79
By: Mycroft
Date: 4/3/98 4:01:15 PM
Eeek. I can just imagine Xuxa's "stormtrooperettes" (the really cute girls who kept things orderly on her show with velvet fist) executing `undesirables' in the park...
Response #80
By: Mycroft
Date: 4/3/98 4:07:02 PM
And what's so scary about me being able to go out and just pick up women like the fallen fruit of the tree of knowledge? That's what being a subgenius is all about. (Have sex with a REAL LIVE GIRL, or just about anything else!) Besides, somone on here has to be SCA-inclined enough to know my father. (Sir Tarl) It's kind of a genetic legacy, that & body hair.
Response #81
By: Cleotis
Date: 4/3/98 8:23:19 PM
To each his own...
Response #82
By: Ralf
Date: 4/4/98 8:53:19 AM
So, what's the cost of living like in Sao Paulo?
Response #83
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 4/4/98 5:29:56 PM
Reeeely cheep.
But inflation is at something like 300%.
Response #84
By: Mycroft
Date: 4/5/98 11:59:31 AM
Which brings us back to Xuxa merchandise...
Response #85
By: jaka
Date: 4/9/98 5:03:26 PM
On on the topic of body hair (is that Xuxa merchandise? And anyway, I'm almost certain it's the fault of YOU people that for so long i confused "Xuxa" and that Somebody's Petals band, and had nightmares about Xuxa's Petals as a children's TV show...)
I seem to be unable to finish my thou
Response #86
By: Ralf
Date: 4/9/98 7:54:45 PM
Jaka, you are da bom. I worship you. Xuxa's Petals indeed...
Response #87
By: sooz
Date: 4/9/98 8:05:04 PM
GowanPaul used to call me Sioux. Does that count?
Response #88
By: Ralf
Date: 4/10/98 5:36:56 PM
Sioux-Sioux's Petals sounds somehow erotic.
Response #89
By: sooz
Date: 4/11/98 12:05:05 PM
Oh, Ralf, you'd think a cold turd on a hot sidewalk was erotic. And that's what I adore about you.
Response #90
By: rorschach
Date: 4/12/98 3:49:53 PM
sooz... don't get him started....
Response #91
By: sooz
Date: 4/12/98 10:49:51 PM
He usually starts himself, I think. Not a lot of encouragement required, ya know.
Response #92
By: Ralf
Date: 4/13/98 8:31:01 PM
With both hands.
Doh! I've GOT to learn restraint...
Response #93
By: rorschach
Date: 4/17/98 12:08:17 PM
or your wife needs to BUY some restraints....
Response #94
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 4/25/98 8:51:07 AM
and what makes you think she hasn't?