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By: Da Sissop
Date: 1/1/98 2:18:39 AM
# Replies: 81
So, I get home, and I'm taking my first dump of the new year, and guess what. It smells like gunpowder.
I'm not sure what I did, but kids, beer and fireworks DO NOT MIX.
Response #1
By: rorschach
Date: 1/1/98 10:42:06 AM
fang, i don't WANT to know where the fireworks went..... are you sure you didn't get the beany weinees mixed up with the M-80's?
Response #2
By: Cleotis
Date: 1/1/98 8:27:05 PM
In my day, we used to call Beanie Weenies M-80's anyway. There COULD have been a mix-up!
Response #3
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 1/2/98 10:57:29 AM
I told you not to smoke THAT one...
Fangmaster.. being the shy wee petite flower I most certainly am.. could you please show me were the ladies room is?
Response #4
By: Da Sissop
Date: 1/2/98 11:29:42 AM
Um, I've only got the one bathroom. But it's been a while now, I assure you the smell has long since cleared out.
Response #5
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 1/3/98 8:35:32 AM
Fang and I were laughing over previous New Year's parties of long ago... Sigh...we recalled Spider Woman in the dining room with the spider web...
I've grown so old now. I don't drink, classical music is my fav..and my hobbies consist of finding scholarship programs for sister of misery # one, and tending my 35 roses and planning nexts years bed...
I couldn't write a smut story now if I was reading it from a book!
How life progresses...
Response #6
By: Da Sissop
Date: 1/3/98 9:35:29 AM
Fabio gazed longingly into Tess's eyes, like a deer gazing into headlights. "I cahn't beleeev eet's Yogurt, and naht bahter."
Response #7
By: Ralf
Date: 1/3/98 5:28:36 PM
To emphasize the point, Fabio flexed his ear-pecs, causing his ears to wiggle in a MOST erotic fashion. Tess felt her pulse thunder.
"Oh, Fabio!", she moaned, "Your ears get me so HOT!"
In response, he twitched his nose fetchingly. "Ahm yoor leetle boony rrrabbit, mah love."
Response #8
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 1/4/98 8:56:33 AM
The scary part about your Fabio chat is...you've been practicing!!
I have to know?! Does it work??
Wow, before reading that the biggest excitement today was deciding how much cow manure for my new bed...But now..NOW I'll have to spray dormant oil on my pruned babies...
If you guys aren't careful with that accent, I'll have the biggest blooms ever this year! SMOOOCH!
Response #9
By: Cleotis
Date: 1/4/98 1:26:56 PM
When I proposed the idea of cow manure in our bed to my wife, she said no way. It did sound kinda kinky!
Response #10
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/8/98 10:52:28 PM
Your first dump smelled like gunpowder?!
...ya know, it'd take me two hours of typing to use up this reference completely, and I just don't have that kind of time.
Must have been that "I've got a shotgun you can't see." coat you were wearing...yea, that's it.
Response #11
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 1/9/98 5:26:53 PM
Your logs smelling like beer & gunpowder... Is this too much information for anyone besides me to have?
Response #12
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/9/98 7:56:48 PM
You can never have *too* much informa...errr..well perhaps that' s not true in a 'global variable' sense, but your own imagination is just as much to blame for any mental discomfort you derive from information like this.
Yes, I am in pain most of the time.
Response #13
By: Cleotis
Date: 1/9/98 8:56:17 PM
Gunpowder Turds would create REAL fun if you were into lighting your farts!
Fang, come here!
BOOM!
Response #14
By: Ralf
Date: 1/10/98 7:05:44 PM
Toilets would be specially constructed to contain & redirect.
Most older proctologists would have only one arm due to hazards of the profession.
Septic tanks would be cleaned out by the Bomb Squad, the contents gingerly hauled away and delivered to the US Gov't, who then jealously guards it at any one of twelve special ammo dumps scattered around the country.
Possession of ExLax would require the equivalent of a concealed weapons permit.
Human babies would spend the first 2 years of their lives in specially constructed underground "Play'n'learn" bunkers.
Response #15
By: Cleotis
Date: 1/11/98 7:55:15 PM
hee hee...
You said "Ammo DUMP".
Response #16
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/11/98 10:44:10 PM
I see a new use for those 'vapor capture' contraptions at my local Diamond Shamrock now...the phrase 'Do Not Top Off Tank' takes on a whole new meaning.
Response #17
By: Da Sissop
Date: 1/12/98 8:47:01 PM
Terrorists would strap turds to their bodies, and we'd just laugh at them, because, well, they had TURDS strapped to their bodies.
Response #18
By: Ralf
Date: 1/12/98 11:09:02 PM
"Look hoo ees laffing now, Great Satan! I haff TURDS strap-ped to mah torso!! The blood will flow greatly in your wide amerikan boolivards!! Ahhaha! HA! HAHAHAHA!! HA---"
Boom.
Response #19
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/13/98 3:52:00 AM
Suddenly, and without warning, 12 police officers begin to double over, violently choking on thier donuts, shooting themselves in non-lethal but equally embarassing body parts...and gasping for air. "It's diabolical! Don't listen to him men..he's using comedy!" the police captain shouts as he quickly stuffs his head into a kevlar helmet equipped with optional 'joke proofing' earphones that play tasteful selections from Yanni's unreleased collection 'Songs To Bash Yourself On the Thumb With A Hammer By'.
Response #20
By: Cleotis
Date: 1/14/98 1:18:28 PM
Or Hammer's "Songs To Bash Yourself On The Thumb With A Yanni By".
Response #21
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/14/98 7:21:24 PM
Laughing maniacally and vibrating with excitment at the same time..."Hammer's got a new album out?" Zane rushes for the door, checkbook waving in his wake like the Jolly Roger on the poop deck of the USS Undiegrunt...well, sort of.
Response #22
By: Cleotis
Date: 1/17/98 8:20:44 AM
You'll dig this, Zane.
Response #23
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/17/98 1:56:50 PM
Zane returns from a foray into the world of the Hammer-man with a large button reading 'Back in the day' pinned between his shoulder blades.."I can't touch this..."
I want a pair of those pants where the crotch is down at your knees...but, to quote one of my favorite lines from Caddyshack.."..huh, but it looks good on you."..I'm afraid I couldn't pull off looking cool when my pants give the impression I just dumped in them. Talent will only take you so far, and I don't have enough suave to make up for it. (sigh)
Response #24
By: sooz
Date: 1/17/98 4:43:37 PM
If I wanna see men's boxer's, I'll go to Sears.
That's my comment on the current fashion trend.
Response #25
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/18/98 6:12:45 AM
So sooz, whadda think..is it a fashion statement, or are they just trying to avoid getting a wedgie?
"I'm going to put on my pants backward, pull them down past my butt, wear swizel sticks in my nose and wear my shoes on my ears...yea, that'll be def.."
Response #26
By: Ralf
Date: 1/18/98 5:57:05 PM
Boxers rule. They don't bind or pinch.
Free the penis!
Response #27
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 1/19/98 12:55:41 AM
Underwear?
How passe...
Response #28
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/19/98 1:39:38 AM
Under *there*.
Response #29
By: sooz
Date: 1/21/98 5:39:54 PM
Underwear is imperative if you want to wear your jeans more than one day in a row. There. I said what everyone else was thinking.
Response #30
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/22/98 12:23:11 AM
Of course, the accompanying corollary to that would be that the jeans are also imperative if you wear the underwear more than one day in a row...well it's either that, or some new, olfactory-challenged friends and co-workers...not that I'm speaking from actual imperical evidence, just a hunch and a dangerously balanced knowledge of mathmatics.
Response #31
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 1/22/98 2:55:00 AM
You'd be surprised.
Or maybe you wouldn't, come to think of it.
Response #32
By: Jay
Date: 1/22/98 10:38:54 AM
WAUKESHA, Wis., Jan. 22 (UPI) -- A suburban Milwaukee prosecutor says he will file disorderly conduct charges against a doctor's wife who mooned anti-abortion protesters from the driveway of her New Berlin home. Attorneys for Brenda Duncan say she reacted reasonably to the protesters, who she felt were harassing her and her children. Duncan was caught on videotape mooning the protesters and making threats. Attorney Dean Strang, however, labeled Duncan's reaction ``comic.'' District Attorney Paul Bucher says he would dismiss the incident were it not for the alleged verbal threats. Strang notes, however, there's no indication Duncan had a weapon. Duncan's husband, Neville, is a gynecologist and performs abortions. Some 50 protesters gathered outside the Duncan home last week to mark the 25th anniversary of the Supreme Court's decision legalizing abortion. Duncan told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel she called the protesters ``asses'' and then ``showed them what they looked like.'' She has denied threatening to shoot anyone but warned the protesters not to set foot on her property. Dr. Duncan said the family had been harassed by abortion protesters and two of their cars had been vandalized.
Response #33
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 1/24/98 9:07:48 AM
Ok, ok..so when a word is highlighted..does that mean there is something else there to read? If so..if I read it, can I make it go away again? I'm confused again..
I am an agent of change! Change is a good thing. It is the only constant in life! Those who refuse to change go the way of the dinosaur..and stop stepping on my tail.
Response #34
By: rorschach
Date: 1/24/98 2:14:15 PM
hell, after the bill collectors are done with me change is all I have LEFT!
Response #35
By: Ralf
Date: 1/24/98 4:27:30 PM
If a word's highlighted, then click it (or double-click depending on your software) to follow the link.
Once you're done reading it, use the back-button to return to the nunnery.
It's as easy as falling off a commode! (Which I have done...)
Response #36
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/28/98 2:01:14 PM
Yea, but did you invent time travel afterward...that's the question.
Response #37
By: Ralf
Date: 1/28/98 7:29:03 PM
Once you've invented time travel, "before" and "after" cease to have meaning.
Response #38
By: Da Sissop
Date: 1/29/98 11:01:04 AM
And, regarding the commode, if you discover there is no toilet paper, you can just go backward or forward to another time when there *is* toilet paper.
Although you'd wanna be careful not to inadvertently rewrite history.
Response #39
By: rorschach
Date: 1/29/98 11:14:31 AM
of course, it would mean having to get UP from the toilet to either climb into the time machine, or if it were portable, odds are it would be sittng on the dining room table and you'd have to get up to go get it. and besides, if you were to travel back in time, would you still need to shit?
Response #40
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/30/98 5:19:05 AM
And once you did arrive in the past, is it polite to barge in on yourself on the toilet and take the last of the paper for the future? And if you did do that, would you have already bought another 12 pack and there would be plenty left for the future once you got back? Also, does the 'squeezably soft' characteristic hold up well during time travel, or would you arrive with the equivilent of a roll of disposable shop towels once you got back? Or perhaps you could just travel to another dimension where they have those little shells instead of toilet paper.
Attention: Zane will now end this message and forgo any 'Sliders' references; just so you all know what you've been spared. You're welcome; Dark Out...
Response #41
By: Ralf
Date: 1/30/98 7:07:30 AM
If we invented a "Time Toilet" that sent the contents of the bowl into the future whenever you flushed, that would eliminate the need for septic systems.
Now, anyway.
Response #42
By: rorschach
Date: 1/30/98 8:25:48 AM
but you'd just have to keep flushing it on into the future....
Response #43
By: Da Sissop
Date: 1/30/98 9:25:17 AM
Nope. It would never happen. Because if *you* were a resident of the future, and unwanted shit kept showing up in your email box-- I mean your toilet, no matter how many times you flushed... eventually you'd get pissed enough to travel back in time and rewrite history.
Might even punch yourself in the face.
On the *other* hand, if you could flush it into the *past*, maybe, like, to the dinosaur era, we might have an unlimited supply of fossil fuels today!
Response #44
By: rorschach
Date: 1/30/98 4:00:36 PM
yes, but you'd have a drilling rig where your toilet is supposed to be....unless you could control WHERE it went as well....
Response #45
By: sooz
Date: 1/30/98 11:12:10 PM
I can think of a few historical figures (Hitler) that I'd like to be the recipients of a good flush.
Response #46
By: Ralf
Date: 1/31/98 9:56:50 PM
Everybody set your Continuum Commodes to Berlin, 3:15 AM December 7th, 1943!
Response #47
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 1/31/98 10:15:11 PM
"Commode set...beginning pre-launch sequence, now..." Zane has actually already begun by eating a rather large bowl of vegitarian chilli that morning, chased with a generous helping of V8 'spicy picante' juice and several peaches for dessert. "Oh yea, Pizza Hut? Yea I'd like a Large Stuffed Crust Veggie lover's pizza and an order of bread sticks...thanks. (click) Countdown will commence in tee minus 6 hours from my mark....now."
Response #48
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/2/98 12:03:29 AM
You're a veggie now, zane?
Response #49
By: Ralf
Date: 2/2/98 10:57:10 PM
Is there ANY food you can eat that isn't the result of something dying?
Response #50
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/3/98 1:57:00 AM
Well, that depends on what you want to define as 'food.'
Response #51
By: sooz
Date: 2/5/98 7:46:00 PM
If I ate my desk, I'd feel bad about the cherry tree that gave its life for me to have a place to park my computer.
That is, if I were the type to eat my desk.
Response #52
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 2/17/98 10:50:42 AM
Homer:
Well, I'm taking a *stab* at being a veggie as part of the new year...it'll probably only result in a lowering of the meat-intake, but even that is better than nothing at all, eh? I mean, in an era where the cryptosporidium in the water alone can kill ya, the only thing that seems safe is an IV drip, rice cakes, or yogurt suppositories....all of which are only better than airline food. Just.
Response #53
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/17/98 10:09:47 PM
hey, I like rice cakes. they can't go stale.
Reminds me of a trip I took once, where all I had to eat for two days was rice cakes, peanut butter, honey, and raisins. I had a few profoundly weird shits there...
Which reminds me (again)... I found a 'zine called 'We Like Poo.' Its this woman's poo journal, with pictures. Poo facts, letters about readers' poo, poo humor... a wonderful find!
Response #54
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 2/18/98 5:07:54 AM
A day without poo is like a day without sunshine...even if it ain't supposed to down there.
As for rice cakes going stale...I just think you can't tell, that's all. It's like trying to pick out the bad yogurt without lab equipment. I, of course, mean the 'marginally bad' yogurt...the hairy yogurt is a dead giveaway.
"Mom,is this yogurt pistachio?"
"No hun, it's strawberry/bananna.."
"Oh, uh...ok. Do we have any Sunny Delight?"
Response #55
By: Da Sissop
Date: 2/19/98 9:45:10 PM
Strangely enough, I'm eating a bunch of TOFU and veggie food lately, for no other reason than I *like* it.
The Happy Panda restaurant, on 59 at Kirkwood, has an awesome buffet. The less adventurous folks find the standard Chinese buffet fare under the hot lamps, but I (renegade that I am) have discovered the COLD buffet table. Lotsa bizarre cold marinated veggies and seasoned tofu sticks.
Mmmmm... marinated seaweed!
I highly recommend it. But keep some Immodium handy.
Response #56
By: Katt
Date: 2/19/98 11:32:50 PM
tofu. . .
thought you were suppost to use that to patch plaster. . .
hmmm. . .
Response #57
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 2/20/98 7:11:25 AM
...or spackle. With a special trowel, of course...
Response #58
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/22/98 12:58:09 AM
tofu is soybeans.
fang, give Wonderful Vegitarian a try. Westheimer and Voss, near Doneraki. Say hi to Sammy, the taoist cook who will probably want you to come to a purification ritual in the suburbs near Sugarland.
Response #59
By: Da Sissop
Date: 2/22/98 1:15:56 AM
Cool! I can get purified on my way to work!
Response #60
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/22/98 5:58:49 AM
I always wanted to go, but I never got up the nerve.
The buffet at Wonderful Veggie is really good, and its pretty cheep, and there's lots of tofu.
Response #61
By: Cleotis
Date: 2/22/98 11:34:29 AM
Maybe I can get rich with this idea:
"Tofu Colonics"!
Any takers?
Or, more importantly, Any GIVERS? 'Cause I sure as hell ain't shovin' tofu down there on someone I don't know on a first-name basis!
Response #62
By: Da Sissop
Date: 2/22/98 12:09:55 PM
Yah, I wouldn't either, Mike.
Response #63
By: sooz
Date: 2/22/98 4:21:37 PM
Cleo, I'm sensing a trend. You have a disturbing fascination with bodily functions that involve the rectum.
Then again, so does my 11-year-old.
Maybe it's just a boy thing.
Response #64
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/23/98 8:32:46 AM
a tofu enema wouldn't be so bad, but I don't know about the colonic. unless you just did it with soy milk instead of tofu...
Response #65
By: Cleotis
Date: 2/23/98 4:26:01 PM
My friend's wife and her sister get coffee enemas on a regular basis.
Somehow, this would cause me to think the phrase "Wake up and smell the coffee" has taken on a whole new meaning with these people.
Response #66
By: sooz
Date: 2/23/98 4:35:12 PM
I keep thinking of "Nutty Professor", when they're at the dinner table discussing "colon cleansing."
Response #67
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/23/98 6:10:05 PM
ground coffee? or whole beans?
Response #68
By: Ralf
Date: 2/23/98 6:13:07 PM
SCALDING hot coffee?
Response #69
By: Da Sissop
Date: 2/23/98 7:29:40 PM
So *that's* why McDonald's started posting that warning by the drive-up window....
Response #70
By: Zipperhead
Date: 2/24/98 10:18:51 AM
Dont really care about th Op taking one. But Tess, sure would like to spank your bottom.
Response #71
By: Ralf
Date: 2/25/98 6:37:36 PM
She doesn't like spanking so much as gentle stroking.
Sometimes you will be rewarded with a belch.
Response #72
By: Zipperhead
Date: 2/26/98 7:55:37 AM
Actually Da, I ran across a new book that might help you with your fasination with crap. We have all heard of The Art Of The Deal by The Donald. Well I found The Art Of The Dump By Shirley Shitsalot, and it comes with a coupon for a free roll of Charmine!
Response #73
By: Cleotis
Date: 2/26/98 9:36:11 PM
I have a children's book, translated from Japanese, called "The Gas We Pass - A Book About Farts". It's my kid's favorite book (the boy, of course). LOTS of fun!
Response #74
By: Ralf
Date: 2/27/98 11:08:45 AM
Is it a scratch'n'sniff?
Popup?
Response #75
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 2/28/98 9:10:13 AM
Thank you Ralf...
Zipperhead...hmmm..is this what the Neurosurgeon named you or just a description of what you frequently do to yourself?
Response #76
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 2/28/98 3:00:23 PM
There are actually three books in that series, Cleo.
I get a catalog from Brainstorm (they sell novelties and the like) and it lists all three. I think one has to do with boogers and snot and the other with bodily waste.
Next time I get a catalogue, I'll post the info.
Response #77
By: sooz
Date: 2/28/98 8:14:39 PM
And share it with the whole class, Gowan. There's 2 males in this household who would think that's just the grooviest.
Response #78
By: Zipperhead
Date: 3/1/98 5:51:09 PM
Actually Tess its for easy replacement of dead brain cells..I kill Billions of them each day.
Response #79
By: Hijinx
Date: 3/4/98 4:12:05 PM
I went to Raleigh, NC for Christmas with my wife's mom's side of the family, and we went to a kids store called "Zany Brainy." They had the book with the kid on the toilet called something like "Everybody Poops" or something like that, but, get this, they had the doll to go with it...Commode and all...although I did not quite get to see if it came with poop.
Response #80
By: Cleotis
Date: 3/4/98 9:32:33 PM
They could do a commercial for that book on TV, and use the REM song "Everybody Hurts". Now THAT would sell some dead trees!
Response #81
By: jaka
Date: 3/18/98 1:07:13 PM
Nah... use the Leonard Cohen song "Everybody Knows"...
Gak.
Magnetic, at that.