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By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/16/00 9:37:38 PM
# Replies: 39
I ran across these postings from teachers, and I durn near wet myself:
> THE JOYS OF BEING A TEACHER
> Actual answers and spelling on a 6th grade history test
>
> 1. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
> biscuits, and threw the java.
>
> 2. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
> Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he
> was
> going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
>
> 3. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by
> Bernard Shaw.
>
> 4. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
> success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
> shouted "hurrah."
>
> 5. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
> Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another
> important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter
> Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes
> and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake Circumsized the world
> with a 100-foot clipper.
=========and yet another==========
> 6TH GRADE HISTORY -- Part 3
> THE JOYS OF BEING A TEACHER
> Actual answers and spelling on a 6th grade history test
>
> 1. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
> Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John
> Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he
> wrote Paradise Regained.
>
> 2. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
> Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
> two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
> discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and
> declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
> Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
>
> 3. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
> Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin
> which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the
> slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of
> April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his
> seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe
> the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
> This ruined Booth's career.
>
> 4. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had
> a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
> spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
> the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and
> so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half
> English. He was very large.
>
> 5. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
> deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even
> when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
> later died for this.
>
> 6. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts
> and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
> reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
> network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
> McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis
> Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
> naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
> discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
...I have a theory that at least some of these come from kids not being taught how to check what they write and letting the computer spell words for them..then picking the first one the computer comes up with. Anyone with me on this?
Response #1
By: Ralf
Date: 7/17/00 12:00:09 PM
Ayup, except that even the dumbest grammar checker would uninstall itself in horror at that tripe.
Kids, if you're gonna use Microsoft Word, then use the HELL out of it. You think snappy Powerpoint presentations grow on trees? You'll be flipping burgers for life if you don't get with the program!
In any case this just proves english needs more optimization before it's safe for computer use. Homonyms should be eliminated entirely, all words spelled phonetically, and all punctuation replaced with HTML meta tags. Or maybe replace everything with streaming audio.
Response #2
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/18/00 11:04:20 AM
Sir Fransis Drake Circumsizing the world with a 100 ft. clipper made me wet my armour.
Response #3
By: Da Sissop
Date: 7/18/00 11:12:02 AM
Yeah, but some of those are almost too good to be true. I know this may sound like blasphemy, but you can't always believe everything you read on the internet.
Except here, I mean.
Response #4
By: sooz
Date: 7/18/00 12:06:31 PM
There's a local Christian (sorry, that term keeps coming up) Arts/Entertainment mag called "True Believer" - their subtitle is "Now you really CAN believe everything you read!"
I scoffed, spit and sneered at that, and made the subtitle to my newsletter "PLEASE don't believe everything you read!" HA!
Then we got a free hat over the weekend from The Valley Christian News - subtitle "Now You Know."
People are just a smidgen arrogant, ya know?
Other than Jim, I mean.
Response #5
By: Ralf
Date: 7/18/00 4:57:01 PM
"And now you know..."
"...the rest of the mutherfuckin story."
--Paul Harvey, drunk on arrogance
Response #6
By: Da Sissop
Date: 7/19/00 5:05:37 PM
"Ma! Grandpa's messing with the transmitter again!"
Response #7
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/29/00 2:34:03 AM
All arrogance requires is the inability to accept the magnitude of your own ignorance. -Zane
Response #8
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 9:06:42 PM
Ignorance is the mother of fear...the father ran off with pride years ago and hasn't been seen since; prejudice is funny that way. -Zane
Response #9
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 9:14:15 PM
The intellectually lazy almost exclusively rely on prejudice in order to avoid being caught in a conversation without an opinion. - Zane
Response #10
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 9:16:44 PM
Never underestimate the purchasing power of stupidity; buying a clue at Nieman Marcus prices is today's most popular way to avoid taking responsibilty for one's own actions. - Zane
Response #11
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 9:20:51 PM
If it sounds too good to be true, chances are it's very late, you're watching cable, and the guy's got an English accent. -Zane
Response #12
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 9:23:46 PM
(sorry, I'm in fortune cookie mode..bear with me)
To legislate personal safety is to clog the cosmic gene pool skimmer. -Zane
Response #13
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 9:31:01 PM
A smart man learns from his mistakes; a truely wise man learns from the mistakes of others. Women on the other hand will actually ask for directions. -Zane
Response #14
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 9:34:33 PM
The real purpose of product warning tags is to keep around enough people so the rest of us will have time to dive for cover when the shooter in the clock tower opens fire. -Zane
Response #15
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 9:37:43 PM
Don't take candy from strangers...hold out for cash. -Zane
Response #16
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 9:40:33 PM
The subjects of politics and religion should be avoided in polite conversation; but only if your next subject choice *isn't* irratable bowel syndrome. -Zane
Response #17
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 9:44:25 PM
Remember, riding off into the sunset gives the appearance of a police target sillouette.- Zane
Response #18
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 9:52:55 PM
When taking prescription medication remember; you're being *treated*, not cured. -Zane
Response #19
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 9:55:58 PM
Giving the benefit of the doubt is like playing the slots; the house always wins if you don't know when to cash out. -Zane
Response #20
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 9:59:05 PM
When in Rome, do as the Romans do...but when visiting the planet Perv, use your own best judgement. -Zane
Response #21
By: Ralf
Date: 7/30/00 10:06:43 PM
What, do you save these up or just free associate?
In any case, please don't stop!
Response #22
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 10:10:48 PM
Nope, this is free association...scarey ain't it?
Response #23
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 10:13:06 PM
Giving of yourself to benefit others is the 'Yellow and Blue Make Green' freshness seal that every soul should be given a chance to enjoy. -Zane
Response #24
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 10:16:52 PM
That which does not kill us makes us stronger...that which does makes us invincible. -Zane
Response #25
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 10:19:17 PM
Disagreement with another does not equate to disrespect; it only means you've both bought into different lines of bullshit over the years, that's all. -Zane
Response #26
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 10:22:40 PM
Doubt and belief are sides of the same coin: self-preservation -Zane
Response #27
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 10:30:19 PM
Always temper advice with restraint; remember, you didn't get a how-to manual for this life either. -Zane
Response #28
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/30/00 10:36:22 PM
When is a door not a door...when it's ajar. This much is true; but when is a house not a house? When it's aloft... -Dorothy
Response #29
By: Da Sissop
Date: 7/31/00 7:09:27 AM
Wow... gimme enough of these and I'll put together a "Zane's Fortune Of The Day" feature for the BBS...
Response #30
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 7/31/00 3:43:40 PM
Well then I'll have to make more of an effort at it then...can you tell I was trying to get to sleep; it ended up being alot like counting sheep. Cept slower, o' course.
Response #31
By: Roxanne
Date: 7/31/00 8:08:03 PM
Great idea! Can you do a kewl flasher movie of a fortune cookie opening and then slip of paper scrolling out of it?
Response #32
By: Da Sissop
Date: 7/31/00 9:08:48 PM
Well, this would be more like a text-based adventure game.
Response #33
By: Ralf
Date: 8/1/00 3:32:09 AM
EAT COOKIE
Response #34
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 8/1/00 11:24:20 AM
I CAN'T DO THAT TO THE COOKIE.
Response #35
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 8/1/00 6:04:18 PM
>KILL THE GRUE
You do not see "THE GRUE" here.
Response #36
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 8/4/00 3:42:14 PM
Beauty is only skin deep, and fat is only deep skin; but if you really wanna know what someone is made of, look through the video collection. -Zane
Response #37
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 8/4/00 3:44:24 PM
Infidelity is spawned by the myth that someone who is already attached is picking you for all the *right* reasons. -Zane
Response #38
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 8/4/00 3:47:47 PM
Dog is man's best friend, but the pizza guy is a dog's best friend. -Zane
Response #39
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 8/5/00 10:42:51 AM
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." - G. Marx