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By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 10/12/00 9:45:49 AM
# Replies: 24
Warnings issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to all visiting Yankees:
1) Don't order steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.
2) Don't laugh at southern people's names.(Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Darla Beth, Inez, Hubba, Billy Joe Bob, Sissy, etc.)
These people have been known to kick a man's ass for less.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to an ass kicking. Down south it's called Coke. It don't make a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.Pepper, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke.
4) Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the Big 12, SEC or ACC or we'll kick your ass (Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Tennessee, Alabama, Ole Mississippi, Georgia, etc.). All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming. We'll kick their ass, too.
5) Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our
heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx, Turner broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Gore, Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb, because we will kick your ass.
6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
7) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended and don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home, because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home before we kick it.
10) We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score; because we don't give a damn; and we'll kick your ass.
11) We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to, and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go home, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Last, but not least, DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to BBQ. This will get your ass shot off (after it is kicked).
You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our BBQ, and go home in a pine box minus your ass.
Response #1
By: Ralf
Date: 10/12/00 1:13:53 PM
Isn't it "BAR-B-Q"?
Oh shit! My ass! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Response #2
By: Roxanne
Date: 10/12/00 3:19:03 PM
Poor Ralf. At least he died with his pants off.
Response #3
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 10/12/00 5:51:05 PM
So I go to this great breakfast place called Mae's (on Phinney Ridge) with Christie, one of my housemates, who happens to be from Texas, as well. I order huevos rancheros and I have a choice between hash browns and grits. I have the following conversation with the waiter:
Waiter: "So, hash browns or grits?"
Me: "Well, I'd like some grits, but I think I'll get hash browns."
Waiter: "Why's that?"
Christie: "He's from the south. This is a good place, but he doubts your grits will be as good as his mom's."
Waiter: "Oh. I understand."
I smile largely.
Response #4
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 10/12/00 11:11:51 PM
Damn, that's a heap load of ass kickin'
But hey, leave hocky alone.
You got to love a sport where a fights breaks out every 3 minutes.
Almost like when I use to get drug to prayer meetings.
Response #5
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 10/15/00 10:48:03 PM
You got drugs at prayer meetings?
Response #6
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 10/16/00 5:31:49 AM
Well, when you got to RIGHT church...
But usually, I just took my own.
Response #7
By: Ralf
Date: 10/16/00 5:48:00 AM
Is it still legal to use Marijuana for legitimate worship?
Response #8
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 10/16/00 5:02:37 PM
Alaska is trying to legalize marijuana for ANY use.
Right NOW.
http://www.adn.com/nation/story/0,2360,203982,00.html
Response #9
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 10/16/00 10:04:34 PM
I don't think so, They slapped the Indians hands over using peyote, so since they lump ALL drygs together, I would doubt any distinction would be made for that reason.
Response #10
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 10/17/00 1:20:07 AM
Indians can use peyote, if they're part of the American Indian Church.
Response #11
By: Ralf
Date: 10/17/00 5:48:01 AM
How do I join?
"All the palefaces gobble up the peyote, then lay around moaning about William Hurt and a giant lizard. We must raise our entrance fees."
Response #12
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 10/17/00 7:52:48 AM
I thought that decision was reversed?
Response #13
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 10/17/00 7:54:10 AM
Damn, I hate when I submit too soon!
So Ralf, I wonder if we can start our own church?
"Welcome to the Church of Chuck. Come on in and grab a beer, hit the bong, and top her off with a peyote button. Later, we will all join in worship, as bring up Chuck."
The First Church of Chuck. Other religions may TALK about their god, but we bring up Chuck every Saturday night. (Times may vary, due to when you start getting off.)
Response #14
By: Ralf
Date: 10/17/00 2:18:11 PM
Will pants be required?
Response #15
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 10/17/00 5:41:03 PM
The AIC has a really interesting history. They pray to Jesus because of the missionary influence.
Response #16
By: Capt. Spastic
Date: 10/18/00 5:46:30 AM
No Pants required.
Shirts are also optional for the ladies too.
:)
Response #17
By: Ralf
Date: 10/18/00 8:54:22 AM
Tangental aside for any aspiring Jesuits: to whom does Jesus pray? Himself? If so, can he answer his own prayers? If not, then does he shrug and say "I work in mysterious ways"?
Response #18
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 10/18/00 9:56:09 PM
He prays to God, His Father, like most sons.
Response #19
By: Ralf
Date: 10/19/00 6:32:05 AM
I'm not sure I ever prayed to my dad, except for that one time I *really* wanted to go to a KISS concert and he wouldn't let me.
Bastard.
Response #20
By: sooz
Date: 10/19/00 6:58:37 AM
The answer to your question and a coupla others is found in that weird Christian manual, the Bible.
Jesus prays to God... or at least he did when he was in his human stage. You know, he originated that whole "Our Father, who art in heaven" deal. (Ok, he wasn't actually praying then, but rather answering the question of "how are we to pray?" and he said "DO something like this... Our father..." and now they do it at 12 step meetings... alas, I ramble.)
Jesus also prayed in the Garden of Gesthemane. He prayed on the cross. Etc. etc. etc.
Response #21
By: Ralf
Date: 10/19/00 12:04:09 PM
But now? What about now?
Wouldn't that be the modern equivalent of picking up the phone to call a cube-mate?
Response #22
By: sooz
Date: 10/19/00 12:56:09 PM
He's sitting on God's right hand now, so they just chit-chat, see.
Response #23
By: Ralf
Date: 10/20/00 3:59:26 AM
[GOD and JESUS are talking. JESUS is sitting in GOD's palm, swinging his legs over a tremendous abyss with a misty Earth far below.]
God: I can squash you like a bug, you know.
Jesus: Not funny, pop.
God: No seriously, watch!
Jesus: Aieeeeee!!!!
SFX: (Squishing, crunching)
[GOD snaps fingers and GLORIOUS LIGHT fills his other palm for a full second while the HEAVENLY HOST belts out something John-Williamsish.]
God: Arise, my son.
Jesus: Aieeee--- hmph! NOT funny. Don't do that again.
God: What's that? Do it again you say? Heh.
Jesus: No! No! NoooOOOOooooOOoooo...!
Response #24
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 10/20/00 3:03:40 PM
"God is great
God is good
Let us thank him
For not squashing us like a bug."