|  |
|
| |
By: Da Sissop
Date: 2/16/00 6:30:15 PM
# Replies: 32
...but it does suck pretty bad. Cathartic spewage alert! Hit your spacebar now to avoid bummer news!!
*****
My sister is dying. Some of you old-timers may remember the elusive Linda Fang who logged into the ol' dialup BBS a coupla few times. Some of you have even met her in the flesh. She's been battling breast and ovarian cancer since 1984, and she's been up and down over the years... well, she's been down for a good while now, and her doctors pulled the obligatory "6 months" number out of their butts in December. Although now it looks like it could happen any day.
She asked me to give her eulogy. Aaaiieeee!!!!1!!!
See, a few years ago I considered myself to have some talent with words. I still hadn't firmly settled on a career path, and I held onto the slim hope that maybe... *maybe someday* I could write the great American novel. When our mother died, I went home that night and typed up a sort of cathartic spewage document... what would I say about her if *I* were delivering her eulogy? No one was ever supposed to read it, mind you... we already had a family friend slated to speak at her funeral.
The next day we learned that the family friend actually wasn't going to be available, and we found ourselves in a bit of a predicament. We were going to have to do the service ourselves. But hey! What luck! I already had a eulogy ready!
Well we made it through the service, and my sister was so proud of me, and she thought it was one of the most beautiful services in the history of funerals.
And when the time came for her to begin contemplating her own arrangements, she asked me if I would "Jim Porterize" her at her funeral.
Aaaaaiiiieeeeee!!!!1!!!
If our mother had asked me to deliver her eulogy, I would've said "No FUCKING WAY, Mom. FUCK no! I can't do it! Jesus FUCKING Christ! FUCK that shit!" Or something to that effect.
But I was able to do it. So maybe I can do okay for my sister. I don't feel I have the same talent with words as I did a few years ago, but my shrink says it's probably fine just to get up and tell everyone how wonderful she is, and I think I can do that.
Anyway, that's where I've been lately, and that's where I'm likely to be for the near future... I'm doing fine, and I have been and will continue to be spying in on things here, so please continue to talk amongst yourselves. :)
Hug your siblings. AND each other.
Response #1
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/17/00 2:46:53 AM
Jim, you rock. No matter what you do, you'll do fine.
And you and your sister get The Big Prayers.
Response #2
By: sooz
Date: 2/17/00 8:50:21 AM
I second what HomerFriend said.
This morning, as I looked wistfully at your beer.com t-shirt, Jim, I thought of you. "Jim hasn't been posting much," I thought. "I wonder what's happening with him."
I've heard that when you get this kind of feeling about someone, you're supposed to pray for them. Or think positive thoughts. Or send good karma their way, or whatever it is you do. So that's what I'm doing, old pal. You're in our hearts and thoughts.
Response #3
By: Ralf
Date: 2/17/00 9:52:40 AM
Your sister thinks the world of you and will not be disappointed no matter what you say, but I think you'll find the words. Or rather, the right words will find you in your time of need. You have a gift.
On the other hand, I kind of like the "FUCK no! I can't do it! Jesus FUCKING Christ! FUCK that shit!" approach. It will certainly echo the sentiment of all who hear.
Dammit, I'm calling you.
Response #4
By: Roxanne
Date: 2/17/00 1:23:50 PM
My thoughts and prayers are with you, too, Jim.
Hugs for everyone. Our time on this planet is so short and fleeting. All we can do is try to positively impact those around us while we can.
I love y'all!
Response #5
By: Da Sissop
Date: 2/18/00 3:15:37 AM
Thankyas.
Response #6
By: Da Sissop
Date: 2/20/00 8:22:59 PM
When my sister asked me to deliver her eulogy, my first reaction was fear... would I be in any mental state to do it?... and even if I was, my inclination was to stand at the podium, raise a clenched fist to the sky and shout "Why? Why, God? Why her? What kind of cruel, uncaring bastard are you to put any god-loving person through all that she's been through?" And then the Lord would smite me and the funeral would be ruined.
But you know what? This "God" person and the concept of "heaven" is helping her to cope with things, and I'll be damned if she doesn't realize she's had tremendous blessings in her life. She's more or less okay with the fact that she won't be alive any more. For her the hardest part is saying goodbye. This is waaay bigger than, say, moving to Dallas.
Our aunt, uncle, and all our cousins all came into town this weekend. Friday was my sister's 40th birthday. I wasn't sure what to get her. I mean, I guess I could have gotten her a Sony Playstation or something, and just kept the receipt, but I opted for a simple card. "Happy Birthday" seemed kind of lame, all things considered, so instead I got her a "Thank You" card, and filled it with a message telling her how amazing and wonderful she is, and thanking her for all the wonderful parts of herself she has given me.
This was a heavy weekend.
I have it relatively easy. I'm here for the long haul. I know it was agony for my out-of-state relatives and my sister to cope with the realization that when they said goodbye today, they likely saw each other alive for the very last time. If I had been in their shoes, I doubt if I could have even stomached the trip here at all. I have some amazingly wonderful relatives, and I consider myself blessed, be it by God or Darwin or whoever.
This weekend has been wonderful and agonizing, full of laughter, joy, remembrances, and tears. It's something my sister has been looking forward to for a long time, and it's the kind of thing that may turn out to have been the sort of milestone that dying people stay alive for just to reach. My sister has been blessed with great family, both by blood and by marriage. Those of us whose lives she has touched have been blessed by the warmth and love she gave to us, and inspired by her courage, optimism and dignity through 16 years of hardship.
Response #7
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/21/00 1:39:33 AM
That's a pretty good set of words right there, Jim. Eulogies are for the living, not the dead.
I was telling a friend of mine that I know this guy who wants his death to make the papers, but more in the 'news of the weird' style than 'JIM PORTER DIES!' Same kind of thing... the person who passed doesn't care so much, but the people still stuck in the world of the living get something from what is said about it.
Response #8
By: Ralf
Date: 2/21/00 8:34:47 AM
Amen to that. I think you just wrote your piece.
Response #9
By: Da Sissop
Date: 2/21/00 11:10:09 PM
Yaaaah, I'm just getting warmed up... :)
Cathartic spewage helps to clear my mind and makes me feel a little more comfortable with the concept of actually having to write, and, egads, speak this sorta thing.
Response #10
By: Ralf
Date: 2/22/00 8:27:50 AM
You COULD hire a stand-in to read it for you.
Maybe Jeremy Irons is available?
Response #11
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 2/22/00 8:35:27 AM
Jeremy Irons? Where the hell have you been? The only possible choice has got to be Robbie Benson, of course.
Response #12
By: Roxanne
Date: 2/22/00 10:08:46 PM
No, I think John Cusack would be better...
Response #13
By: Da Sissop
Date: 2/22/00 11:22:19 PM
Gah. The cousins had a photo of me from one of my trips to Phoenix about 12 years ago. I swear to God, if I hadn't recognized the shirt as one I used to own, I woulda SWORN it was Robby Benson.
These last few months... no, these last few years.... No, okay, this last decade has been an emotional rollercoaster. My father died in 1990, my mother in 1995, and my sister is on schedule to die in 2000. It's been a lot of horrible experiences in a relatively short span of time.
Other people, friends, co-workers, respond with amazement when they hear my family history. "You've been through all that, and you're still a relatively well-adjusted, functional member of society?" they ask, incredulously.
And I must admit, sometimes it actually feels kind of nice, in a sick sort of way, to feel like you've effectively trumped everybody else in the misery department.
But truth be told, I didn't really go through all this stuff as a shining beacon of how the ideal human should conduct himself. When my father was given his 6 months, I was just 6 months out of the family household, on my own and independent for the first time in my life after living a comparatively long time under the protective wing. I struggled with trying to hold onto my independence while trying to help out with my father, and in retrospect, I gave more weight to my independence.
When my mother got her 6 months, I was still carrying guilt from the previous experience, and I was hardly ready to go through this stuff again. I dumped an inordinate amount of responsibility on my older brother. And sometimes today I still feel like my relationship with him has been strained because of it.
And when my sister got her 6 months, my first inclination was to run away. Deny, deny deny!
I'm no superhuman. I'm no pillar of strength. I'm just another shlub trying to make it through the tough times that life can throw at a person.
It's way too easy for me to become self-absorbed, and to feel that I'm the only one having a tough time. My apologies now to everyone who has been subjected to my spewage. And my apologies to those of you who I know have been having your own tough times... Sorc', Roxy, my sympathies to you and my prayers for your mommas.
What say we all plow on through, and the first one to make sense of it all, promise to share it with everyone else.
Response #14
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 2/22/00 11:53:24 PM
People die, people live, people grieve. That's all the sense I can make of it. Sorry.
Response #15
By: rorschach
Date: 2/23/00 11:39:02 AM
Man fang, I'm sorry i am kinda coming in on the end of this thread, but shit man I am really sorry to hear about your sis. I know what you are saying about it all but you are a lot stronger than you know, you'll come through this. I'm just real sorry it has to end this way, linda fought so damned hard for so long....
Response #16
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 2/24/00 1:45:33 PM
hi, my thoughts too. your sister sounds terrific, if she's insightful enough to see that you'll write a great euology for her.
Response #17
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 2/24/00 8:03:27 PM
Sorry to hear about your sis Fang, I had hoped for sure that she had beat the cancer last time. My thoughts are with you.
Thanks for your thoughts as well. It was touch and go for a bit and we came close to losing her a couple of times, but they finally let my monther come home from the hospital a few weeks ago. Then my father, who is been taking care of her, trips over her oxygen hose and breaks his leg in two places. *sigh*
Bad shit comes in bunches it seems.
Sorc'(Rev)
Response #18
By: Roxanne
Date: 2/26/00 8:40:03 PM
Sorcy: Glad to hear that your mother is home now. Sad to hear your father is now on the mend as well. I do agree that bad shit comes in bunches. Last summer, my dad's retina detached and he had to have *3* surgeries on it to finally get it fixed right. Then, within weeks was my mother's car wreck. I'm telling ya, parents are just time bombs waiting to make our lives stressful as payback for all the trips to the emergency room we cost them when we were young!
Stick around, Sorcy, we've missed ya!
Response #19
By: Da Sissop
Date: 3/4/00 8:01:28 PM
Thanks again, everyone, for your thoughts and prayers and support.
My sister died this morning at 1:55 am. She was comfortable, and her husband was with her, and they shared a good last couple of hours of heart-to-heart conversation... well, okay, *he* was doing most of the talking, but he's pretty sure she understood.
I *am* in a bit of a funk, and I will be for a while, I'm sure, but I'll be fine. Ya know, she really made it easy on me. I've been through the deaths of both my parents, and for me those were both long, drawn-out, painfully anguishing ordeals. I was literally dreading the thought of having to watch my sister go through something like that. But no, she made it easy for me. Her death was actually a thing of class and dignity and beauty.
Friends, I have seen the almighty power of love. It does exist, and may we all someday feel even a fraction of the love my sister felt and resonated.
Response #20
By: sooz
Date: 3/4/00 9:25:44 PM
Amen to that, Jim. Our thoughts and prayers continue.
Response #21
By: Roxanne
Date: 3/6/00 11:03:20 AM
Peace and blessings to you and your family, Jim.
Response #22
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 3/6/00 12:26:47 PM
Jim, there are no adequate words to say what I want to say. The best I can do is say that my thoughts and condolences to you and your family.
Sorc'(Rev)
Response #23
By: Seventh of Seven
Date: 3/6/00 5:23:30 PM
strange to say, but I'm happy for you, jim.
Response #24
By: Da Sissop
Date: 3/8/00 8:32:51 AM
Thankyas, everyone, for your support. It has been a tremendous help for me.
Well the service was yesterday, and it was nice. I didn't ever actually manage to *write* a eulogy... I struggled with it for a few days and then just gave up. I figured my sister wouldn't want me stressing over it all that much. So I just got up and spoke, and even though it wasn't all that neatly structured, I think I covered most of what I wanted to say. And I know she would've been proud.
For me, there's a big sense of relief now. All the funeralities are behind us, and I can release a deep breath and relax. I've come through this with a lot of bonuses. I feel closer to my families than I have ever felt. I feel better about life, and all of its possibilities, than I have ever felt. And I feel closer to all of humanity than I have ever felt.
So now, as I take my first few steps into my post-sister life... Hmmm, I guess I oughta do laundry first.
Response #25
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 3/9/00 7:41:30 PM
Yay, Jim!
Response #26
By: Tess Trueheart
Date: 4/15/00 6:41:05 AM
Jim...big hugs to you.
Some people touch our lives without any effort. You have been a blessing in mine. Even when you didn't understand my whoremoan, crazy infested years, you remained a true friend, and I thank you for that. Take care of you, remember you have a friend here when you need it, and enjoy life. You truly deserve the best...always. Tess
Response #27
By: Da Sissop
Date: 4/18/00 5:25:58 PM
Thankya, my friend. Soon we must consume mass quantities of beer.
Response #28
By: Da Sissop
Date: 5/4/00 8:07:47 PM
Or scotch.
Response #29
By: Ralf
Date: 5/5/00 4:09:49 AM
You drinking scotch now? What kind?
Response #30
By: Da Sissop
Date: 5/5/00 4:39:03 AM
What was it, Claymore or Clydesdale or Claymation or somesuch....
Response #31
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 5/5/00 9:55:57 AM
Whatever it was...it was 16 years old.
Sorc'(Rev)
Response #32
By: Ralf
Date: 5/5/00 10:22:36 AM
Try Balvenie... the bestest scotch ever.