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By: Da Sissop
Date: 10/30/99 9:42:56 PM
# Replies: 46
As we close the 20th century, the average human lifespan is now approximately 73 years. When we began, it was approximately 16 years.
No doubt about it, probably the one invention that has contributed most to extending the human lifespan is the Protecto.
Invented by Thomas Alva Protecto in 1902, the "Protecto" was made from a revolutionary new fabric called "toilet paper". It had a little flap that descended into the toilet water, and when the patron flushed, the swirling current of the toilet water pulled the Protecto by the flap into the water where it disintegrated and was flushed away, carrying with it all the germs and parasites that may have been on the patron's thighs.
In the 1800s, toilet seat covers were made from animal pelts, and they certainly could not be flushed away. Because it was so labor-intensive to hunt, kill, skin, and tan the hides, after a user flushed he would usually have to pull the hide out of the toilet water (that darned flap, ya know), wring it out, and stuff it right back into the wall-mounted dispenser for the next patron.
Response #1
By: rorschach
Date: 10/31/99 10:14:38 AM
the ac polyphase electric motor, transformer, and alternator.
invented in 1901 by Nikolai Tesla.
Response #2
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 11/1/99 7:39:07 AM
To quote from the movie, The Graduate, 'One word. Plastics.'
Response #3
By: Ralf
Date: 11/1/99 7:57:31 AM
The Mr.Coffee machine.
Without it the Information Revolution wouldn't have happened; we'd all be exchanging tips on the best way to reink typewriter ribbons.
Response #4
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 11/2/99 1:30:51 PM
The most profound invention of the 20th century has been postmodernism. It's the thing that has confused us enough to believe that our existences are meaningless, and therefore we can be led around by the nose. Without postmodernism, there would be no such concept as 'consumer.'
The best invention of the 20th century (and almost as profound as postmodernism), though, is the latex condom.
Response #5
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 11/3/99 11:41:22 PM
Football Team:
The Houston Humidity
The Houston Billboards
-or-
The Houston Trailer Kings
..hmm, or better yet..
The Houston DoubleWides
Response #6
By: Gowan McGland
Date: 11/3/99 11:43:53 PM
They're aiming for Houston Texans last I heard.
It doesn't suck.
MUCH.
Response #7
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 11/3/99 11:52:53 PM
As long as it's not The Houston Asteroids or The Houston Skylabs...
Response #8
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 11/4/99 4:04:18 AM
Hmm. Either Zane thinks the best invention of the 20th century is a football team, or else the Nuns have burped.
And the Houston Texans will never work, because what happens when they get sold to Chattanooga, TN?
Response #9
By: Da Sissop
Date: 11/4/99 7:00:27 AM
Hmmm... Zane? Do you think that the greatest invention of the 20th century was the football team?
Response #10
By: Ralf
Date: 11/4/99 7:26:46 AM
Is the cross-posting randomizer working yet?
Response #11
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 11/5/99 12:14:07 AM
No, I think the greatest invention of the 20th century was this bulletin board, and don't you ever forget it!
...of course, there was the VertiBird, Hot Wheels, Glow-in-the-dark Slime, FreshenUp Gum, Disco Music, big combs, Velcro, ribbed contraceptives, Tang, The Dukes of Hazzard, Match Game, Douglas Adams, Micronauts....oh hell, let the world end, I'm just tickled to be around to see the fireworks and know that a million phone trees are suddenly going dead all over the world.
Response #12
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 11/5/99 2:34:21 AM
Oh, Zane, that is a beautiful image... the image of a million phone trees going dead all over the world.
Response #13
By: Ralf
Date: 11/5/99 6:32:17 AM
VertiBird. Sigh. I *loved* that li'l copter.
I once put a book on the controls and played jump-rope with mine.
Response #14
By: Da Sissop
Date: 11/7/99 8:58:58 AM
I got my first bad haircut from an out-of-control VertiBird.
Response #15
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 11/7/99 10:34:49 AM
I'd be surprised if that was the only toy that did or just almost hurt you. Man, most of the toys we had available were able to cut, scratch, burn or maime you right out of the box. My dad was so cool when I was kid, he'd just buy me stuff he thought was cool, like this lead soldier casting set. SOOOO dangerous by today's standards, and I don't even remember reading any instructions that even said 'Molten lead is hot, handle with care.', much less the 3 page diatribe you get now, free with every order, about do not eat, do not use while masterbating, do not put in ear, remove baby from folding crib before folding, do not use hair dryer while sleeping, this list goes one, we've all seen them. None were with most of the toys we played with..there was no warning not to eat the play-DOH burger you just made, and if you did, you durn sure didn't swallow, much less do it again afterward...oh sure, you might tell little brother it was yummy just to see the expression on his face later. I got sidtracked didn't I..oh yea, the casting set came with two molds, a casting ladle, and a hot plate..that was it! You put the fishing sinkers in the ladle, fire up the hot plate, play with yer legos until the lead melted, then pour it into the molds. Now don't get me wrong, dad wouldn't let me do it alone, but manufacturer still gave the parent the benifit of the doubt when it came to thier intelligence and took it for granted that they wouldn't leave thier kid alone in the garage or bedroom with a ladle of hot, molten lead.
Response #16
By: Ralf
Date: 11/7/99 1:17:54 PM
Soon, all toys will be simple, edible foam cubes that cost $49.95 from eToys.
("Collect the set!")
Response #17
By: sooz
Date: 11/7/99 7:36:33 PM
The manufacture also assumed dad wouldn't sue their butts into oblivion when Junior ate the molten lead.
Response #18
By: Ralf
Date: 11/8/99 7:11:11 AM
When I was three, I pulled all the wheels off my Corgi Car and stuffed them up my nose. One emergency-room visit later, nobody even CONSIDERED suing the manufacturer for making "unsafe" toys.
They just thought I was a stupid little kid.
Response #19
By: sooz
Date: 11/8/99 8:19:18 AM
My brother had a habit of swallowing quarters. Maybe we shoulda sued the Federal mint.
Doc's sage advice: "He swallowed a quarter? If it comes out two dimes and a nickel, call me."
Response #20
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 11/8/99 8:36:58 PM
"yay! the poop fairy left me a quarter!"
Response #21
By: Ralf
Date: 11/9/99 6:22:38 AM
Paper money's MUCH easier to swallow.
Response #22
By: Da Sissop
Date: 11/9/99 9:16:59 AM
AND, in a pinch, you can use it to wipe with.
Response #23
By: Roxanne
Date: 11/10/99 3:37:52 PM
If you pass paper money, wouldn't it automatically wipe?
Greatest invention of the 20th century?
Ask me before 2001 since 2000 is the last year of the century and they just might come up with some nifty new gadget then.
And btw, is Volkswagen calling their car the "Millennium Bug" or are they waiting for the 2001 model to name it that?
Response #24
By: Da Sissop
Date: 11/10/99 6:01:57 PM
The millennium *does* start in 2000 it DOES IT DOES IT DOES!
It *DOES*, I say! It DOES!
(sidenote: ya ever notice how sometimes if you type the word "does" too many times in a row you stop hearing it as "duz" and start hearing it as "doughs", like bread doughs? And I suppose "doughs" would eventually start to sound like "duffs" or "dows" too... I'll have to try that some time... but I digress...)
Response #25
By: Da Sissop
Date: 11/10/99 6:08:34 PM
But, back to my point. It DOES.
I contend that the first millennium was technically short a year (assuming you're only counting positive years here), and we certainly shouldn't be held responsible for their screwup.
Response #26
By: Ralf
Date: 11/11/99 5:22:06 AM
I would also further contend that time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future, and that our years now are longer than in the year 1.
Or maybe 2000 is a leap century.
Response #27
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 11/11/99 9:46:51 AM
Sorry Fangster. The word "millennium" means "a period of 1000 years" so you can conclude that the period from 1 A.D. through 1000 A.D. (including both years) was one millennium, the first millennium of the Common Era. So the second millennium began with 1001 A.D. And the third millennium begins on 1st January 2001 A.D.
But I wouldn't let that stop you from any Millennium festivities. It just means you'll get to do it all over again on December 31, 2000. Party like it was 1999...er...so to speak. :)
Sorc'(Rev)
Response #28
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 11/11/99 10:09:47 AM
Ralf:
{Ed MacMahon Voice} YES! You are correct sir! {/Ed MacMahon Voice}
2000 is a leap century.
Any year evenly divisible by 4 = Leap Year (+1 day)
Any year evenly divisible by 100 = Century Year (-1 day)
Any year evenly divisible by 400 = Leap Century (+1 day)
So for 2000 we +1 day for Leap Year, -1 day for Century Year and +1 day for the Leap Century. Net results +1 day.
At least that the way I *THINK* I remember it works.
Sorc'(Rev)
Response #29
By: sooz
Date: 11/11/99 11:36:58 AM
But who REALLY cares? I mean, it's gonna feel weird to write the date, and it's a good excuse for the party. It's just a bigger deal than the switch from 2000 to 2001. So if people wanna call it the mellinium, why do other people feel it necessary to correct that?
I once read that we spend way too much of our lives trying to make everyone agree with us. That really gave me a reason to reevaluate a lot of what I say and do, and to try to just take people for what/who they are.
Response #30
By: Da Sissop
Date: 11/11/99 11:44:55 AM
Well that's just flat-out wrong, sooz.
Response #31
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 11/11/99 12:44:40 PM
Sooz:
================
I once read that we spend way too much of our lives trying to make everyone agree with us. That really gave me a reason to
reevaluate a lot of what I say and do, and to try to just take people for what/who they are.
=================
That's very true Sooz. Don't listen to Fang, he's just wrong WRONG WRONG!
:)
So...does my little post about the millennium bug you? Or will you just take me for what/who I am? :)
Sorc'(Rev)
Response #32
By: Da Sissop
Date: 11/11/99 1:32:20 PM
No, I am more determined than ever now to SHOW YOU THE LIGHT. :)
Our calendars are completely arbitrary. Since we really don't know when time began, somebody arbitrarily decided to start counting from some historical milestone. It's not *my* fault they jumped from -1 to +1, completely bypassing a perfectly good integer. Even more confounding, if this calendar is supposed to be built around the birth of Christ as its milestone, why the heck do we celebrate Christmas on December 25? He would've had to have been born in the year 1 BC, but December 26th technically isn't BC any more. Man this calendar is hosed! I want a refund!
It makes more logical sense to refer to a millennium as ranging from a 0 to a 999 value, and if necessary, I'm willing to concede that the so-called "first" millennium actually began at the year -1.
Response #33
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 11/11/99 4:42:58 PM
[insert generic arguement about xmas being moved to winter solstice in order to 'convert' pagans here]
Response #34
By: The Sorcerer
Date: 11/11/99 6:58:30 PM
Blame Pope Gregory and blame Dionysius Exiguus who wrote the thing! But good luck getting a refund out of the Catholic Church. They still owe us the 11 days they dropped when they switched from the Julian calendar.
Yes, all calendars are totally arbitrary. If your Orthodox Christian, Dec 25th isn't the birthday of Christ. As a matter of fact, many scholars place the most probably time for the birth of Christ as being few years before 1 AD, maybe as far back as 6 BC on the Gregorian calendar. So it doesn't even pass that test.
But ya' know what, it doesn't matter. And why is that you ask? Because when you make the calendar you make the rules. As long as you keep it synchronized close to the orbital cycle of the earth, and get enough people to buy into it, it's a done deal.
The Gregorian Calendar is the basis for the International Standard Date and Time Notation (ISO 8601). It has no year 0 A.D., so a millennium (a.k.a. "a period of 1000 years") is 1-1000 inclusive or 1001-2000 inclusive. Thus the next millennium will begin Jan 1, 2001 cuz da' guy who made the thing and da' ISO committee sez so. And if you're gonna start screwin' with the rules, I WANT MY DAMN 11 DAYS BACK!
So Bing Bang Wango-Tango, there you have it.
Of course, being totally arbitrary, you can always start your own calendar and make your own rules. It could be the year 31 A.F. (Anno Fangarus "in the year of Fang"), or 10 N.E. (Nunnery Era).
I'm waiting for A.M (After Microsoft) myself. :)
Sorc'(Rev)
Response #35
By: Ralf
Date: 11/12/99 5:13:00 AM
I just wanted to let everyone know that we are in the year 37 AR (Anno Ralfus) and henceforth you may write that on your checks instead of 1999.
The months will be renamed as follows:
January = Unary
February = Dosary
March = Trinarch
April = Quadril
May = Pentium
June = Sixium
July = Septium
August = Octium
September = BackToSchool
October = December
November = Elevenium
December = Holidaus
Response #36
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 11/12/99 8:27:17 AM
Ah, finally a day to wash my pants. All praise to Saint Ralf!
Response #37
By: sooz
Date: 11/12/99 10:35:53 AM
[insert generic rebuttal about xmas being moved to winter solstice because why should the pagans have all the winter fun?]
And all hail the King Of Pants.
Response #38
By: Roxanne
Date: 11/12/99 6:23:47 PM
I always wondered just who the patron saint of pants was...
I guess the Monster Truck race announcers will have to change their spiel to "This PANTSDAY at the Astrohall...Monsteeeerrr Truuuucks! That's PANTSDAY PANTSDAY PANTSDAY!!!"
Response #39
By: rorschach
Date: 11/12/99 8:38:03 PM
BUT BUT BUT... if you never WEAR pants why would you need to wash them?
Response #40
By: Ralf
Date: 11/13/99 8:35:08 AM
Ah.... ritual?
Response #41
By: Ralf
Date: 11/15/99 9:28:30 AM
We need more ritual around here.
Response #42
By: Ralf
Date: 11/16/99 12:23:24 PM
And less talk.
Response #43
By: Homer The Brave
Date: 11/16/99 5:52:53 PM
Shhh... we're all ritualizing.
Response #44
By: Shadow Sprite
Date: 11/17/99 7:50:16 AM
Okay, my pants are clean - I can start talking again.
Response #45
By: Ralf
Date: 11/17/99 11:20:58 AM
Eeew.
Response #46
By: Zane T. Dark
Date: 11/18/99 12:45:37 AM
Homer:
There's a poop fairy?
{dejected look} I've been gyped! I wonder if I can sue...
Rocks:
Millenium Bug...I'd hope so! But one has to wonder if it ever breaks down, will you actually be able to fix it without an overpaid consultant?
Homer:
Ooops, I forgot to ritualize..my mistake..I'll end this now.